Somewhere to vent..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by musiclovr7, Sep 8, 2011.

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  1. musiclovr7

    musiclovr7 New Member

    New here...

    Been depressed since before high school (currently 27).
    I have had social anxiety since as long as I can remember. Majorly.
    Have had migraines since senior year of HS. They are unbearable.
    I have had suicidal thoughts for the past 5 years. Two attempts. Both times I told someone xxx because of the guilt I felt. Guilt for hurting others. It's weird, as soon as it is over the guilt will be gone...but I just can't do it to them. Sometimes I wish they just wouldn't care so much. I feel stuck. Forced to suffer just so others won't.

    I recently got fired. Fired by someone who was verbally abusing me for 3 years. I was so mad I went home and xxx A concerned coworker had been texting me. She asked what about my cats. I said my mom would take them. That made her call the police. I remember letting the police in, getting on the stretcher. I was unconscious within 10 minutes of xxx. I woke up the next day on a ventilator. No long term damage. Went to the psych ward AKA hell for 5 days. One of my worst experiences ever.

    My doctor and my mom decided I needed to move back home. Away from my friends. 1500 miles away. Back with my family. Everything I tried so hard to get away from.

    My former boss then lied to the unemployment office, told them I gave verbal notice to quit. Had her assistant give the same statement. She even convinced all my coworkers that I was a liar. I won the unemployment but lost my pride. I can't stand that they all think I am a liar! It isn't fair! But that is a topic for another day.

    It has been a year since that day and I am still home with my mom, still unemployed. I just filed for bankruptcy this week. A little under 30K. Sure it will be a relief but it doesn't change how I feel. I want to die and it will happen. I've failed twice now. I am being relieved of all that debt. The next time will be the last time. It is not a threat, just a fact.

    I don't want to find another job. I don't want to start over. I will NOT work in customer service again.
    I am 27 and I have never had a boyfriend. A couple of dates sure but really nothing. I have never even been kissed.
    I have some really good friends...but it isn't enough.
    I can't stand anyone in my family. I don't have close relationships with any of them.

    So I try to sleep as much as possible. I watch endless amounts of tv, netflix. I play video games. I play everquest. I play sims. I do word searches. I read. I listen to music. Sometimes I just sit here and stare. I have few friends left in this state. And they all have lives. Jobs and such. I feel out of place with them. I don't like to go out drinking. I don't like to do church things. I don't like parties. I don't have money to do things.

    From this post it sort of sounds like my last job is the only thing plaguing me but it is not. I can only put so much in one post...

    I wanted to try posting here because I feel like my friends need a break from my constant negativity.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well done for sharing, and well done for having friends, its not easy with SA, I have no real-life friends at the moment other than my ex.

    For your SA have you read Gillian Butler's book 'Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness'? It is very good, reading it and doing some CBT/cognitive restructuring sheets can really help.
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome! Thanks for sharing. ~ Kind regards, Alex ~
     
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey there musiclovr7

    Sorry to see you so down with this heavy load.

    Well - all put together it does sound bad! I mean for you - it looks like some mountain to climb - but in reality we all see our own problems this way at times. Its only when others point things out that we can maybe see that all we have is a load of little problems - most of which don't really matter but we ruminate on them regardless because depression does that for you!

    As for not having a boyfriend - its a positive in some ways. You could have gone the other way - and been reckless with hearty salutations to every man that passes! The latter is more damaging - so thank God you've not got that hanging over. Many women will wish they had waited will a later age to choose a man. When young - its too easy to fall for an idiot. All too easy.

    As for never having had a kiss - you could kiss a thousand people and not find the right one. Don't worry about it - the next woman I kiss will likely make me as nervous as you feel - if she is nice. Bear in mind many men will be nervous wrecks when it comes to this also! Everyone is kind of nervous before a first kiss - and I mean if your kissing someone new it might as well be the first kiss. So chill out there - relax a little - its not a big deal.

    Sex is like a competition - we feel pressure for not having it - but ignore that social pressure - its just the idiots at the top trying to dope us up with sex, religion and TV! Let them bedhop and catch STDs - concentrate on getting well and finding one man - not like a thousand - just because the media are practically selling us sex as if its religion. Its actually a process designed for reproduction.

    Your a young woman and have plenty to time to actually find someone nice - and there are nice men out there who will not have an issue with how you feel and who you are. But - if I was to tell you to doll yourself up and go out hunting for a man - it would epically stupid advice for ANY women who is struggling with depression.

    But we all could do with someone to love - and not pointing that out would be silly also. You got time though - and things to do before that. Mostly you just need a little confidence about yourself - hard I know but it can be done and I've had depression for 30 years and know that it can be dealt with.

    So - first things first - your job. I know its not the main issue - but you got treated appalling and bullied for 3 years. I wish I had met this bully - any man who verbally bullies a women is a piece of trash - and he needs to get that sorted out.

    But I've dealt with this problem before. Bullying in workplaces. A former boss of mine called me a bully once - he was almost sobbing -and I was so happy I almost hugged him and welcomed him to the place he bought others to. He begged me to leave him alone - I agreed with the proviso that he left the young workers alone.

    So if you have ever been bullied - take heed that these people who bully you will find men like me all over. We are just 'there' - could be anywhere - and we might not say much - or might be like me and say a lot. I talk about bullies - loudly. So if they want me - if they are man enough to bring it on - I'll run out the pub - and run and run - till we get to the only spot not covered by CCTV. lol. Alone at last.

    Have you thought of suing? Might be something there - especially if you have proof of ill health.

    You been depressed since high school - and had social anxiety also. Well I used to have this - I felt really shy - awkward and did not know what to say. I never had it for long though - maybe crept up around puberty - hung on till I was 17. Its a tiny background noise now - I don't even care about crowds anymore - and could happily stand on a chair and introduce myself and extend hearty salutations to strangers and wayfarers - pilgrims on the paths I travel upon.

    By 17 I was speaking in public - even appeared on TV! But alas - it was some cop tumbling me to the floor! Glad no mates taped or I'd be up on youtube - dressed all in black - and a long black coat. I got to say - I looked great! Better than the cop!

    What cured me was simple. It was the same when I learnt swimming. I jumped into the deep end. However - in social terms not everyone wants to do this - so we do it in stages. My advice to you would be to do some voluntary work - with elderly people or kids. Start off gentle. The aim is overcome this shyness - a super shyness perhaps.

    Also - a lot of this will be dependent on how you were raised. You say you are not close to the family - well - I'm not pushing you there but I guess that I'd be dumb not to want to know more. Your privacy is respected - I know we can have pasts with family that we do not like. In fact - even one word off your mum or dad - one demeaning careless word - can make you insecure for years to come. It can hurt us when parents do not love us or if they perhaps do not tell us that they love us. Mine always did - thankfully. All I can say to those who have not had that love - is that one day I hope you have children and end that cycle.

    Or - help children in some way if you have none. Its good for the soul.

    And as for not being negative with friends - it is wise to come here an vent - because lets face it - few people can deal with depression. This is a shame because if you turned up with a broken leg people would know what to do - how to treat you. But - rest assured that many people are very sympathetic regards depression - most families deal with it at some point somewhere.

    Sleeping all the time is a classic sign of depression but it may be linked to medical problems so keep on top of that - see your doc if sleep patterns are disturbed.

    Most of all try to stick around here and get to know how others deal with depression and how people get it badly - attempt suicide, survive and become successes. Happens all the time - but sure - few people will be telling you!

    You think everyone has a life except you - but its not true. You do not know what is going on with all those 'perfect couples' you know - trust me - 50% (in the UK) are heading for divorce no question! Your not! So be thankful you never married young perhaps and made an epic mistake.

    Thing to concentrate on is you. Take a rest for now - maybe get some benefits for being ill or something - might be a wise move.

    Its very important to speak out on this issue - everyone here likely came on and asked for help - me also - so don't think its a case of me being more together than you - I've just been here longer on this forum and learnt so much that it makes me want to give something back.

    So - look ahead a little.

    Things always change - but its not a good idea sitting still and waiting for changes we cannot control. Control what we can - in our lives. Step by step its your duty to try - because you do matter - you are someone - and we accept you here no matter what flaws you think you have.

    So welcome and hope you find your way around alright and can talk to people who are in a similar situation maybe.

    Whatever path has led us to depression - we are in the same place.

    So when you think there is nobody as alone in the world as you - trust me - in a world of 7 billion or so souls - there must be almost a billion of us carrying the darkness!

    We could rule the world.

    But - hmmm, I think we should just get better and maybe sleep less before we do that?

    Deal?

    Cheers!

    Hope things work out sooner than later musiclovr7

    I bet they will.

    Good luck to you and anyone else who has just joined and - anyone really - passing through - long timers, the quiet ones who just read and have yet to really own up!!

    Confess!!!

    Let that **** out!
     
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