New here... Been depressed since before high school (currently 27). I have had social anxiety since as long as I can remember. Majorly. Have had migraines since senior year of HS. They are unbearable. I have had suicidal thoughts for the past 5 years. Two attempts. Both times I told someone xxx because of the guilt I felt. Guilt for hurting others. It's weird, as soon as it is over the guilt will be gone...but I just can't do it to them. Sometimes I wish they just wouldn't care so much. I feel stuck. Forced to suffer just so others won't. I recently got fired. Fired by someone who was verbally abusing me for 3 years. I was so mad I went home and xxx A concerned coworker had been texting me. She asked what about my cats. I said my mom would take them. That made her call the police. I remember letting the police in, getting on the stretcher. I was unconscious within 10 minutes of xxx. I woke up the next day on a ventilator. No long term damage. Went to the psych ward AKA hell for 5 days. One of my worst experiences ever. My doctor and my mom decided I needed to move back home. Away from my friends. 1500 miles away. Back with my family. Everything I tried so hard to get away from. My former boss then lied to the unemployment office, told them I gave verbal notice to quit. Had her assistant give the same statement. She even convinced all my coworkers that I was a liar. I won the unemployment but lost my pride. I can't stand that they all think I am a liar! It isn't fair! But that is a topic for another day. It has been a year since that day and I am still home with my mom, still unemployed. I just filed for bankruptcy this week. A little under 30K. Sure it will be a relief but it doesn't change how I feel. I want to die and it will happen. I've failed twice now. I am being relieved of all that debt. The next time will be the last time. It is not a threat, just a fact. I don't want to find another job. I don't want to start over. I will NOT work in customer service again. I am 27 and I have never had a boyfriend. A couple of dates sure but really nothing. I have never even been kissed. I have some really good friends...but it isn't enough. I can't stand anyone in my family. I don't have close relationships with any of them. So I try to sleep as much as possible. I watch endless amounts of tv, netflix. I play video games. I play everquest. I play sims. I do word searches. I read. I listen to music. Sometimes I just sit here and stare. I have few friends left in this state. And they all have lives. Jobs and such. I feel out of place with them. I don't like to go out drinking. I don't like to do church things. I don't like parties. I don't have money to do things. From this post it sort of sounds like my last job is the only thing plaguing me but it is not. I can only put so much in one post... I wanted to try posting here because I feel like my friends need a break from my constant negativity.