song for a girl ~ triggering~

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TJ, Oct 25, 2011.

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  1. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    Song for a girl
    This is a song for a 6th grade girl who after trying to kill herself once a month for 6 months has failed. The marks, burns, cuts are beginning to fade as they do after 3 weeks’ time. She still wears long sleeves; she still wears her hair long over her neck. her body is trying to forget , the scar tissue is forming her liver is trying to rid itself of the aspirin she breathed in like air in hopes of making herself stop breathing.
    This is a song for a girl who like me has failed. We carry the failure with us everywhere we go like an organ donor card. Our thoughts are consumed by this failure it haunts us unfinished and twisted. At night the corpse of this urge struggles to stand tires to convince us squirms through the cracks in our heads. It kicks our walls and in the morning we find bruises we don’t remember getting or giving.
    This is a song for that pattern that began long ago that ate us alive until we finally got the hang of it, learned how to cut our skin, learned how to hate ourselves like so many others but we finally figure it out and we knew our pain was our best friend. It was our lover it was the only thing we trust. We became dependant, couldn’t make it through a day without pain. When we tried to stop cutting ourselves our skin ached. It demanded our attention and pain was the only attention we knew how to give.
    This is a song of recognition we have learnt to recognize the urge as a part of us it has grown with us through the years it has changed and grown on its own as well it is my body no less than my soul . it is ancient burning thought my body and I have learned to find a peace in it , a home.
    This is a song because we cry without explanation because we are beings too, because we shift in our desires and moods like the winds.
    This is a song for uncertainty for the way we wake up each morning hoping that we wouldn’t lose control, that day and end up walking through our days only out of respect for habits hoping we will learn to let out the yelling fighting screaming crying hating howling that’s caught in our heads so our insides can match the images we project.
    This is a song for that fight, a perpetual struggle between honesty and composure between realness and masks a perpetual struggle to ring our spirit, lives back into one.
    This is a song and I’m trying to sing it, I’m hoping that this song will help me loosen the grips of these patterns.
    This is a song and I want to give it to the 6th grade girl who’s failed time and time again as I have , I want this song to convince us both that our failure to die might be Okay, I want this song to be a shield between now and next time the urge takes over. I want this song to save the girl I don’t know. I want this song to save myself.

    Author Unknown
     
  2. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    I really like this. :hug:
     
  3. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    Wow! This is marvelous. You should have put this one the Creative Writing thread.
     
  4. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    i thought about that , but i thought it would serve its purpose better in this forum .

    it is amazing and i would love to know the author of it.

    i found it on TWLOHA website a few years ago (to write love on her arms)
    but it also said author unknown there.

    who ever wrote it has served the purpose well i read it often as it reminds me of the cycle self harm starts in my life , although im strangling with that cycle now it just helps me realize that tho its taboo to talk about , not so much these days , but still to some extent im not alone in my struggles.
     
  5. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    Oh, I thought you wrote it yourself. Anyway, I would love to know the author too. Thanks for sharing this. I can perfectly relate to it as well.
     
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