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Songs reminding me of them oh gosh oh shiz

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#1
I told Alexa to play anime songs and it played this song:

OH GOD MY HEART.

It hurts (not physically.)

That's how I feel about my internet Sensei - and that one person I mentioned that I messaged on Steam for the first time in 5 years saying "=^-^=" and they blocked me without saying anything to me, and all my other old friends that I imagine in my future comic book series that's about my past internet life.

I just wanted to be accepted by [the person that on Tumblr in year 2015 told me "If I met you today, then I would totally be your Sensei..!!" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what that means at all, and they told me "it means that you're officially my Kohai from now on! ^_^" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what the word Kohai means in even the slightest what the heck does that word mean at all, and they responded by saying "It means that I'm officially your Sensei, now.." AKA the person that posted screenshots of my private messages to them on their public Twitter in year 2016 while calling me a creepy stalker dude and poking fun of me in the very same month they told me on Tumblr "I don't think I said anywhere that I dislike you...? In fact, I greatly appreciate recieving messages from you!"]

I always imagine people when I get close to them, that them or me is the internet Sensei person and the other is me. And then I back off cuz I realize I just want to be accepted by the internet Sensei person more than anything.

I really love them...

Also literally seriously Alexa just switched to this song now:

GOSH.

Everything reminds me of this Sensei person.

Even the online game that I play on Friday and Saturday nights, people play songs in that game and I get triggered and leave the game because the songs remind me of the Sensei person; even the pictures they spray on the walls in that game remind me of the Sensei person, such as this spray:


this is kinda off-topic compared to what I wrote before this, but I also (Wow Alexa got to that point where it just plays a ton of audio ads now =/ *tells alexa to stop, now..*) feel bad that they call me a stalker. Although I'm sure it's partly because of when they talked to my toxic ex-best-friend who made them even more anxious about me.

And the haters, whenever they write about me, they said that I stalk this Sensei person "to this very day." That is not true at all. If I stalked the Sensei person, I would still be visiting their Twitter etc. but I don't. And I have not contacted them at all since Easter, I would not want to bother them during this pandemic situation, that would just be plain rude of me. (And yet the haters have the nerve to keep writing bad stuff about and towards me...)

The main reason I feel bad about the haters ruining my reputation is because I don't want to look bad to the internet Sensei person. They were like a little sister to me. Now they're kinda like a "celebirty crush" to me kinda. I don't mean that in a way of like.. I mean I'm not jealous of their girlfriend (although the Sensei has always been a pipe-dream um love-interest which I know would never, ever happen which is ok) I just mean I seriously really admire and look up to this person, they are actually pretty badass and cool and awesome and sweet and talented.

Gosh I feel really, really bad that last year they told my alt account "My friend had Nightmares about him." Why!?!?!? I have never intended to hurt the Sensei person. But actually when I started using alcohol my dad gave me every week to try to be less nervous/anxious around them, and I eventually got clingy cuz they started to not respond to me so often, I did go out of control and acted wacky in bad ways and I remember I was just outside my own body/brain being angry at myself for losing control during that time. I really regret that.. I keep feeling bad to this day that the Sensei person told me on my alt account last year that their friend had Nightmares about me, and they even capitlized the N in the word nightmares. I feel so very bad.. I never meant to be such a bother to them.

Do any songs remind you of people you knew or anything like that?
 
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ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#2
oh gosh, I didn't even play the online game I love to play on Friday nights tonight, I got close to someone and it really made me think of the Sensei person and how I wish I was close with the Sensei person instead and how I wish I was accepted by them as a casual friend >~<

also oops I guess I posted this in an "no advice wanted" sub-forum but advice is actually ok I wouldn't mind advice

I really miss feeling accepted by the Sensei person for the short time that I was friends with them on Tumblr.. I was so happy..
 

Sunspots

★☆ Braced for impact ☆★
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
I hope that there's still hope for me and this internet Sensei person to someday be friends again. =(
I hate to say it ShyGuy but I really don't think there's any chance of that. These people are hideous, they are hounding you for fun and treat you like crap.

You have GOT to stay away from them online. Stop interacting with them totally. Stop watching them, stop talking to them, stop trying to defend yourself to them, stop arguing with them. Don't even go onto those sites. Ever again.

These people are NOT your friends and never will be. Until you realise that and and stop all contact they are going to carry on tormenting you.

I'm sorry, I know this is in the "no advice wanted" section but I can't read any more about what they do to you without saying something. They're not going to stop so give it up and remove yourself from them. Nothing else will ever work with these people.
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#7
(its ok to give advice)

U--Uuu--uuuuuUuuuhmmm... UuuuUuuuhhhmmm.. b-but that's... so depressing.... I only want to live, if I can be friends with the Sensei person eventually.. or at least have their respect..

they're so important to me....
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#8
Sometimes you've got to move on from people you wish you never had to. Would a true friend treat you like that? There are amazing people out there who will be just as important to you in time - it sounds ridiculous to believe, but it's true. I made that choice a long time ago, to move on from someone who just didn't see me the way I saw them, and it took a couple of years, but I finally found someone who was just as amazing - and someone who gave back what I gave, too.

Don't let this person manipulate you into staying by making you crave approval or love from them. Find someone who wants to give it to you.

Sending hugs
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#9
I’ve been in a somewhat similar, or analogous situation as you before. More than once, I’m afraid to admit — but I know what it is like to physically ache from the inside out, and almost become borderline catatonic over the matter. The grief & guilt will consume you if you don’t put a stop to it... I eventually got there, but it did take a while—& looking back on it; quite a lot longer than it should/have. . . Basically after a certain point I was able to look back at the disintegration of the relationship, and realize that it was not all my fault. Though I shouldered the bulk of the blame (why else would they leave: say, “goodbye!” & so on. ? .) / but once I discovered that they had been in much more closely, or “equal parts,” to blame (for the end) - then it began to get a whole lot easier... because I was able to breathe again, and exhale & it was like a giant sigh of relief! Every relationship is a two way street. And anyway, if you can get to where you’re forgiving yourself for some of these perceived ills, you’ll begin to move through different phases then. Like anger! That’s right; getting angry at what they’ve done ✅ & how just maybe it’s not so right, in so far as them being completely innocent 😇 and without fault of blame in the matter. Once you bypass that state - you get to, or reach a “state of grace,” that I like to call Apathy! You will no l on ger give a care- (And let me tell you... that is the best feeling of all!!!) so I hope you can begin this journey soon: as they say, it starts with step one - or one step. : )
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#10
Thank you!!

But now I am hearing people loudly play music with loud bass at literally ever since 6:30am!

Arrrgh, and now I heard a loud noise upstairs!!!

It makes me want to complain to that person...

They're my online mom.. I know because back when they kept blocking me, back when I kept messaging them on alt accounts everyday to ask them why they were suddenly blocking me, I asked "Are you my mom????" and rather than answer me, they just blocked me. Maybe they blocked me to say "of course I'm your online mom and I love you more than anything, so it's insulting to even ask that, so I'm blocking you!" I don't know...

I seriously keep hearing people be SUPER loud upstairs and people are loudly playing music with very loud bass downstairs or next door and it bothers my sensitive ears ARGH and the people upstairs are being so loud

I need to complain to someone!! I need to complain to my online mommy, my internet Sensei..

The last time I told them that the noises here bother me and that it feels like it's God's way of punishing me for how terrible I acted to them though, they told me that it's "good that I feel bad" and that they hope that I'll continue to feel bad.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#11
they told me that it's "good that I feel bad" and that they hope that I'll continue to feel bad
That's not how a true friend talks to you - they should support you no matter what.

Would you block someone because you like them? Would you treat anyone like the way this person has treated you?

You've got such a strong attachment to this person because they were your world. They were the only thing you had to rely on. But they've ABUSED that power, and you need to step back from that. You need to move away from them, the meanness they treat you with, and give yourself the time to find someone who truly cares about you. As harsh as it may be, they don't.

Stick with us here, and let us be here until you find that person. Because the longer you stay trapped by that online sense, the harder it'll be to move away.

Edit- I don't think the noises are god punishing you, I think they're just people being dummies.

Sending hugs
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#12
huff.. puff.. huff.. puff... but they're......... My favorite friend...

Aaahh now I'm eating Skittles

My mouth hurts from eating way too many skittles

It really makes me think of that old friend, the Sensei person!! They once wrote on Twitter that they were eating a whole bag of Skittles..

And on Twitter they once said they put lots of toppings on their food.. I put lots of toppings (salt) on my food (french fries) as well!! We are sooo similar...
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#13
gah.....

I'm playing Pokémon Go by myself again..

I was hoping I'd be able to someday be able to talk to my Sensei about it and be friends with them on it...

the bunny Pokémon and stuff reminds me of [the person that on Tumblr in year 2015 told me "If I met you today, then I would totally be your Sensei..!!" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what that means at all, and they told me "it means that you're officially my Kohai from now on! ^_^" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what the word Kohai means in even the slightest what the heck does that word mean at all, and they responded by saying "It means that I'm officially your Sensei, now.." AKA the person that posted screenshots of my private messages to them on their public Twitter in year 2016 while calling me a creepy stalker dude and poking fun of me in the very same month they told me on Tumblr "I don't think I said anywhere that I dislike you...? In fact, I greatly appreciate recieving messages from you!"]

I really like them, they're so cool....

It feels so lonely playing Pokémon Go by myself.. with no one to talk to about my Pokémon Go experiences with... =(
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#14
I'm soooooo tired...

Life is meaningless without them....

I was able to hang out at my brother's house while he's away, but I just keep sleeping again... Nothing matters without internet Sensei to talk to about it..
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#15
I don't go on here enough.

Uugh

And my brother still keeps calling my Nephew "brother."

I'm very um concerned cuz I can't shake my incredible love and admiration for the internet Sensei friend..
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#16
I'm so sad =(

I blocked a friend yesterday.

I have a low number of friends =(

I keep thinking about the internet Sensei stuff, I wish I could clear everything up to them..

I'm lonely =(
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#17
I was watching Pokémon and kept thinking about my old friends a whole lot.

And now I am watching the latest episode, and it shows a character that has a singlular fang in their mouth. The lady with a fang make me think of my old friend.

I'm so scared and sad and lonely....

and I'm on my last beer =( my dad gets me a 12 pack of beer every week.. I don't know what to do when I run out of this last beer. It's almost gone. I'm too depressed.. I can't play Super Mario 3D All-Stars collection cuz I have no friends to talk to about it and my Nephew is back at my brother's house and I'm so lonely and depressed... my heart hurts =( I'm so lonely.. I don't know how to go on when I have no friends.. and its still super lonely playing Pokemon Go every day when I have no friends to play it with or talk to about it..
 

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