I told Alexa to play anime songs and it played this song:
OH GOD MY HEART.
It hurts (not physically.)
That's how I feel about my internet Sensei - and that one person I mentioned that I messaged on Steam for the first time in 5 years saying "=^-^=" and they blocked me without saying anything to me, and all my other old friends that I imagine in my future comic book series that's about my past internet life.
I just wanted to be accepted by [the person that on Tumblr in year 2015 told me "If I met you today, then I would totally be your Sensei..!!" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what that means at all, and they told me "it means that you're officially my Kohai from now on! ^_^" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what the word Kohai means in even the slightest what the heck does that word mean at all, and they responded by saying "It means that I'm officially your Sensei, now.." AKA the person that posted screenshots of my private messages to them on their public Twitter in year 2016 while calling me a creepy stalker dude and poking fun of me in the very same month they told me on Tumblr "I don't think I said anywhere that I dislike you...? In fact, I greatly appreciate recieving messages from you!"]
I always imagine people when I get close to them, that them or me is the internet Sensei person and the other is me. And then I back off cuz I realize I just want to be accepted by the internet Sensei person more than anything.
I really love them...
Also literally seriously Alexa just switched to this song now:
GOSH.
Everything reminds me of this Sensei person.
Even the online game that I play on Friday and Saturday nights, people play songs in that game and I get triggered and leave the game because the songs remind me of the Sensei person; even the pictures they spray on the walls in that game remind me of the Sensei person, such as this spray:
this is kinda off-topic compared to what I wrote before this, but I also (Wow Alexa got to that point where it just plays a ton of audio ads now =/ *tells alexa to stop, now..*) feel bad that they call me a stalker. Although I'm sure it's partly because of when they talked to my toxic ex-best-friend who made them even more anxious about me.
And the haters, whenever they write about me, they said that I stalk this Sensei person "to this very day." That is not true at all. If I stalked the Sensei person, I would still be visiting their Twitter etc. but I don't. And I have not contacted them at all since Easter, I would not want to bother them during this pandemic situation, that would just be plain rude of me. (And yet the haters have the nerve to keep writing bad stuff about and towards me...)
The main reason I feel bad about the haters ruining my reputation is because I don't want to look bad to the internet Sensei person. They were like a little sister to me. Now they're kinda like a "celebirty crush" to me kinda. I don't mean that in a way of like.. I mean I'm not jealous of their girlfriend (although the Sensei has always been a pipe-dream um love-interest which I know would never, ever happen which is ok) I just mean I seriously really admire and look up to this person, they are actually pretty badass and cool and awesome and sweet and talented.
Gosh I feel really, really bad that last year they told my alt account "My friend had Nightmares about him." Why!?!?!? I have never intended to hurt the Sensei person. But actually when I started using alcohol my dad gave me every week to try to be less nervous/anxious around them, and I eventually got clingy cuz they started to not respond to me so often, I did go out of control and acted wacky in bad ways and I remember I was just outside my own body/brain being angry at myself for losing control during that time. I really regret that.. I keep feeling bad to this day that the Sensei person told me on my alt account last year that their friend had Nightmares about me, and they even capitlized the N in the word nightmares. I feel so very bad.. I never meant to be such a bother to them.
Do any songs remind you of people you knew or anything like that?
OH GOD MY HEART.
It hurts (not physically.)
That's how I feel about my internet Sensei - and that one person I mentioned that I messaged on Steam for the first time in 5 years saying "=^-^=" and they blocked me without saying anything to me, and all my other old friends that I imagine in my future comic book series that's about my past internet life.
I just wanted to be accepted by [the person that on Tumblr in year 2015 told me "If I met you today, then I would totally be your Sensei..!!" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what that means at all, and they told me "it means that you're officially my Kohai from now on! ^_^" and I told them I have absolutely no idea what the word Kohai means in even the slightest what the heck does that word mean at all, and they responded by saying "It means that I'm officially your Sensei, now.." AKA the person that posted screenshots of my private messages to them on their public Twitter in year 2016 while calling me a creepy stalker dude and poking fun of me in the very same month they told me on Tumblr "I don't think I said anywhere that I dislike you...? In fact, I greatly appreciate recieving messages from you!"]
I always imagine people when I get close to them, that them or me is the internet Sensei person and the other is me. And then I back off cuz I realize I just want to be accepted by the internet Sensei person more than anything.
I really love them...
Also literally seriously Alexa just switched to this song now:
GOSH.
Everything reminds me of this Sensei person.
Even the online game that I play on Friday and Saturday nights, people play songs in that game and I get triggered and leave the game because the songs remind me of the Sensei person; even the pictures they spray on the walls in that game remind me of the Sensei person, such as this spray:

this is kinda off-topic compared to what I wrote before this, but I also (Wow Alexa got to that point where it just plays a ton of audio ads now =/ *tells alexa to stop, now..*) feel bad that they call me a stalker. Although I'm sure it's partly because of when they talked to my toxic ex-best-friend who made them even more anxious about me.
And the haters, whenever they write about me, they said that I stalk this Sensei person "to this very day." That is not true at all. If I stalked the Sensei person, I would still be visiting their Twitter etc. but I don't. And I have not contacted them at all since Easter, I would not want to bother them during this pandemic situation, that would just be plain rude of me. (And yet the haters have the nerve to keep writing bad stuff about and towards me...)
The main reason I feel bad about the haters ruining my reputation is because I don't want to look bad to the internet Sensei person. They were like a little sister to me. Now they're kinda like a "celebirty crush" to me kinda. I don't mean that in a way of like.. I mean I'm not jealous of their girlfriend (although the Sensei has always been a pipe-dream um love-interest which I know would never, ever happen which is ok) I just mean I seriously really admire and look up to this person, they are actually pretty badass and cool and awesome and sweet and talented.
Gosh I feel really, really bad that last year they told my alt account "My friend had Nightmares about him." Why!?!?!? I have never intended to hurt the Sensei person. But actually when I started using alcohol my dad gave me every week to try to be less nervous/anxious around them, and I eventually got clingy cuz they started to not respond to me so often, I did go out of control and acted wacky in bad ways and I remember I was just outside my own body/brain being angry at myself for losing control during that time. I really regret that.. I keep feeling bad to this day that the Sensei person told me on my alt account last year that their friend had Nightmares about me, and they even capitlized the N in the word nightmares. I feel so very bad.. I never meant to be such a bother to them.
Do any songs remind you of people you knew or anything like that?
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