Sonix speaks

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sonix, Jan 2, 2010.

  1. Sonix

    Sonix New Member

    Hi there, dear readers

    I am almost 20 years old student from Europe, deeply sad and anxious.
    I am unhappy all my life, god knows I was fighting and trying.
    Since i was kid i was lonely and introverted, didnt have friends worth mentioning, grown without father and only child, no one could teach me about life, so i always behaved reserved, standard problems, heeh..
    But i was sharp minded and even as a kid liked serious stuff like politics. As i come from low class family my mother always wanted me to go to collage so i can make something of my life. Anyway i was good at school and couldnt imagine not going to collage, what else would i do? Although i felt very unhappy i ve never showed it, i covered it with my shyness.

    In last few years it became apparent to me that things wont change. I just couldnt pretend that everything would be ok. So i had episodes of just lying in bed week or two pretending to be sick, but the thing is i had nothing worth to me for getting up. Its not easy to get me out of the tracks, i am very calm person, and even if someone hurts me its hard for me to be mad. But i think when i break i will break hard.

    I have tried, i have worked on my shyness, and i ve started looking more confident and opened to people. I ve even got few very good friends but i dont want to talk to them about my depression cause they cant help me.
    I ve learned to stand my ground in conflict, to express my wishes and so on...
    I have invested so much, yet i gain nothing.
    I feel so unwilling to live. I often think about suicide, it makes me calm, its my one way ticket out of suffering.

    I have never been in relationship. Few dates and kisses is all that I achieved.
    I have really liked those girls and when it seemed i ll finally find someone, finally find some purpose in life it would be over before it started. I think its primary looks, they dont even see me, like i am invisible.

    It looks to me that god is playing pranks on me. Its like this:
    god: Hey there Sonix, how are you?
    me: I am quite depressed and sad, but i am trying.
    god: Oooh, dont be sad, look at this..puuf
    me: is it a dream, i cant believe it, finally I....
    god: puuf, you cant have it, hahahaha...
    me: (days lying in bed depressed and crying)

    Anyway i ve been religious as a kid, but not anymore. I would like to be religious, to believe in something, to hope for something, it would be so much easier. But i cant, i dont care if god exists, i dont care if he will punish me, i dont care if he loves me, i dont care... I am doing things on my own, even if they dont turn out well.

    It could become serious, i ve learned to keep pain in me, not thinking much about it, but it will breach the surface, maybe in next few days. I am on holidays at home now, should be studying for exams, but cant get out of my bed. Thing is, if i brake i wont have second chance, i am studying out of hometown, and i cant afford to fail at collage. And i feel even more lonely in big town. I wont be coming home reporting failure, i rather not come at all... and that will happen if i dont do something, and start studying, but why should i? Cant find reason other then prolonging the misery...
    I have nothing to live for, yet i live
    I have nothing to hope for, yet i hope
  2. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    I think you should talk to your friends about your depression...they may not be able to solve your problems..but they can help!make you feel better... I'm sure of it!! (being with my friends helps me feel better..even if i dont even wanna see them at first!! and i'm sure your friends will be able to as well!!)
    I really hope you feel better!! :hug:

    You can always send me a PM if you want to talk about things!