soon i hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mysterion, Nov 25, 2010.

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  1. mysterion

    mysterion New Member

    Up until january this year i was so so happy things were going great, then i found out i was pregnant. my life deteriated rapidly my partner tryed to push me into having an abortion and because i couldnt do it he has punished me everyday since. he started using websites and talking to women to the extent that he sits for 90% of the day checking in at his phone looking for messages off them, he calls them his friends despite the fact they live thousands of miles away and he has never told them one ounce of truth. every argument he walks out after showering me with abuse about how fat i am, how i have no friends, what a horrible person i am, im always getting told to look in the mirror at what an ugly fat dog i have become, the other night he refered to me as the runt of womankind, i know its pathetic but i cant shake this phrase off its swimming around and around in my head hurting me so much. all the time that he is stating just how much he hates me he is chatting and receiving naked photos of other women on his phone, he even walked out on me on my 30th bday when one of his online 'friends' called him something he didnt like he cant see what this behaviour has done to me how small i feel, words on a 2inch screen mean more to him than me, my life, my i so boring that halfway through a conversation he has to pick up his phone to check in on fb?. on the day my baby was born i was pushed down the stairs at the back door into the bins because he was drunk, id wanted help to look after our 16hour old baby insted i got pushed and told what a nagging b**** i am he was having a good time till i walked in the room, i ruin everything no one can be happy when they are anywhere near me. He blanks our third child now he rarely interacts with him or changes his nappy even when im close to tears he sits there getting angry because of the babys crying rather than help me, our older son helps me more. he changed when he started exercising he became self obsessed/absorbed and his words and actions are killing me he knows this and all he says is to go and do it make everyone happy at least the kids will be rid of a s*** mam, theyd be better off in care than with me and he wouldnt look after them because ive tainted them the way i taint everything i touch. all i wanted in life was to be happy have a nice loving family all i have achieved is extreme hatred i dont know what ive done all i know is i hate myself, i hate looking in the mirror, i hate only having myself for company i want to die its all i can think of these days a few nights ago i wrote my children a letter explaining to them that its no ones fault just my own and that i loved them more than they would ever know. the time for me is close now i failed this life, this life has failed me.
  2. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    you havnt failed this life but this life has failed you
    it sounds like you have 3 kids you obviously adore ok
    the kids need you
    but you have to get out of this toxic envoiroment its harming you and the kids how long will it be before the kids pick up on t5hese names and start using them without knowing what they mean or do to you?
    this" man" is controlling you have you got the strength left to get you and your kids to a better life and seek refuge somewhere safe?
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