Soon I'll be too far gone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Dec 25, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm certain it's because of all that I have to face tomorrow. I will go there me but come back being the thoughts and urges and methods and plans. I'm slipping fast and hard. The need to isolate is so bad. So I'm throwing out the help me line right now. I know where I'm heading and this will be about the only time you'll see it. Soon all the thoughts and urges will take over. And I wont hear anything but them. I'm sorry, I've tried so hard but it has been absolutely for nothing. And I know you have all already tried. Please forgive me for asking again. I dont know what else to do while I still have the sense enough to try and hold on.
  2. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    I'm here for you. PM me if you need to talk!
  3. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    You know i think the world of you. You have helped me alot since ive been here. Im sorry i cant offer you any support, im in a bad place myself :( *** sigh ***
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey carla,
    My hand is always reaching out to you.. I don't look forward to today and tomorrow.. Theres going to be 27 people at my brothers house.. I'll probably be popping xanax like candy..I know I will go hide out for a while in the bedroom..I'll be back Sunday.. Try to hold on, you know we all love you..I hope your christmas day turns out better than you think it will..Take Care!! Love You, Bro
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    As the next few days progress, keep posting here. Pour it out of your soul, we are here, we hear you, and we will respond to you. In that sense, you are not alone. My prayers are with you.

  6. brueyh1976

    brueyh1976 Well-Known Member

    Carla honey, take my hand and hold on (goes over to Carla and takes her in his arms) as I said to you, if you need me, I'm here, PM me
  7. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hey Carla, there's a lot of people here for you and always will be. Keep talking to us. Love and best wishes.
  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Carla you do not need to ask for forgiveness for asking again, you are such a wonderful person and I want to do whatever I can for as long as I can as often as I can to help you.
    Please hold on and hang in there. Sending all my love and good thoughts you way.
  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I guess I'm hoping it all went so much better than you feared - and that you found something to make you keep hanging on.

    Keep posting, keep talking ok? :arms:
  10. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Please don't go. You're needed here.
    Please don't blow. To us, you're dear.
    Please do show. We need you near.
    Please do glow. We need your warmth.

    Sorry for the shitty poem. Sometimes I don't know what else to say.
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so full of hurt cuz of others. I'm so full of loneliness. I'm so full of anxiety. So full of fear of things falling apart at the last moment. Yet I fell completely empty inside. Like I'm incapable of feeling anything real. And it feels right. I'm so confused right now. I just want to get it over with. Be done. I want to be as empty as a person can be. Waiting is killing me.

    I'm tired of being such a great actress. Playing the perfect oscar winning role of mommy, friend, daughter, sister, auntie, ex wife, piece of shit, *****, and all around good guy. I just want to be me but that is impossible. Cuz when I stop playing those roles I become nothing to everyone.

    I read the posts saying talk to us,. stay here. and i want to . and I do but then like right now, i feel so guilty. like i'm using people or something. like i'm not as important as other members. Cuz my suicidal urges have been here for so long and taking up others time and support. I dont know. Just how I feel. And I feel like ... never mind.

    I dont know anything anymore except that it all has to end.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2009
  12. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    You're right, it does have to end - but your pain, NOT your life. I wish there were some way of getting you to see how loved you are, how good a person you are, how lovable a person you are - and that's the real you never mind the external you we see, the funny witty caring giving person there's so much more to you than that, and it's GOOD ok?

    Use us here as a mirror, let yourself take a bit of that good reflection away, help lessen the pain a little. You MAKE people care about you, that's a pretty good reflection of who you are don't you think? Rhetorical question. It's ok to take you know (ha ha that's rich coming from me, but you know what I mean.)

    Hang in there, please.
  13. brueyh1976

    brueyh1976 Well-Known Member

    Got news for you, my lovely kind friend. You are my friend and I do care, I do. Now take my hand and keep fighting, just take each day as it comes. We will get you through this, we will. Just hold onto my hand, that's all I ask.
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey stop those messages now don' t let them get in. Please even if you have to tape other messages and live them under your pillow and play them all night. do it. Messages like i do matter i am better than all them I can beat this play that in your head. I am strong whatever your mind is telling you wrong say the opposite in you head. You have so many who care for you so many friends please know that whatever happens they can't take your friends away. Stay safe Carla stay strong. Keep posting
  15. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Every person on here is important to me.
    I've never known that people could feel the same way I do- and knowing that; I feel that I want to help them.
    Any time someone does not come back, I feel like it's partially my fault- and that it should be me to disappear and not them.
  16. fweeps

    fweeps Staff Alumni

    Im always here for you me or pm me or night.
  17. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    This is how it has been for me for so many years. I figure that the person who I am that no one else sees, belongs to me. All of us have the roles to play. I use to play them separate from myself, projecting the ideology role that is a myth. It took time to bring the roles I played down to earth and let me start to show in each of them.

    One step at a time, sweetheart. Give yourself a hug and reassure the hurting part of you that she is loved.

  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know I'm loved by many here. And forgive me for saying it, but it just isnt enough anymore. Nothing is stopping the hurt, the problems, the pain. I know only one way to insure that it stops. I cant rely on others to change my problems and my life. But I'm just too tired and worn out to do it for myself. So I have do to what I know will make those changes for me.

    I dont want to hurt my friends here. But I have no other choice. And that is what makes it so hard to keep making these posts. I'm asking for help to hold on for a short time more. So basically ..... I'm just using you all. I honestly dont see any other way out of all the shit that is my life. And for that I am so so sorry.

    I just replied to a post. And as I was writing I realized that yes my life and all things in it are just an extension of the real me. The me that has so many things that others ahve wanted for a lifetime. And I'm being so selfish to think that I might find yet another thing here from my friends. Maybe find one last chance or reason to hold on. But that will be just another extension.

    I dont know what I'm trying to say anymore. Guess just please allow me to post here as it keeps me going for the time I being. I dont expect anything from it. Just the peace of mind that others know what I have been and am battling. Sorry.
  19. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    Don't be sorry, I feel very similar, and I know what it is like to "play" the role and put on the face when you feel like you are dying inside. You have had many kind words to me, and they do mean a lot. Sometimes not always it just helps to know that someone else has a pretty good idea how you feel. I know it is not exactly the same or the same situations. But your words ring very true to how I feel. Please know that you are not alone, even though it feels like it. I know it is easier said than done. Any reason to hold on one more day is a good reason. HUGS
  20. klampner1961

    klampner1961 Member

    to start "your someone to me" no matter what!!! i feel your pain as i carry it within myself everyday. some days are better than others, but yet to see any great days. i do have hope, even if just a little, that those great days lie ahead. i too am not sure what the next day will bring. i know i want out of this hell i live in. so, its one minute at a time for me. if you will allow me i will take this walk with you as we hold hands on this lost quest. and just maybe we together will find the way
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.