Discussion in 'Welcome' started by halfalifestory, Jun 9, 2013.

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  1. halfalifestory

    halfalifestory New Member

    Hello. This is my first post. I will probably sound like a moron. Please bear with me as I am just coming out of a full panic attack after a very roller-coaster 48 hours.

    I dont dare to say my name, or where I am from. I am a 41 year old gay white man. I am single. I am an only child. I have a laundry list of emothional disorders (I despise the term mental illness) that I am embarrassed to even list.

    I was born into poverty. High school was purely academic. College was never an option because of money. The military was not an option because I was gay. I started working full time at 16 years old. I had over 20 jobs in the 23 years I was able to keep working until I became completely broken by life and became disabled. With only that income, and poor money management skills, I have slid further into poverty.

    I'm not sure what to say next. Um...

    I was an only child, and I was savagely abused by my ex-father until the age of 28. In every possible way except sexually, although I suspect I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was younger, but all memory of my childhood before age 12 has blacked out. My ex father abused me physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally, regularly hit me, completely controlled me through fear, and more. When my mother divorced him when I was 28, he and his entire family were forbade from ever having contact with she or I again. Yet I live on the edge of panic every day and night that he will come. Tho I am not a powerless child anymore, and he is becoming elderly, the fact remains that for what he did, he has committed crimes against humanity, and if he ever comes again... I cannot say the rest.

    Through my adult life, I have been repeatedly traumatized emotionally in relationships, at jobs, losing jobs, losing the love of my life, and in other ways.

    The house I live in with my now elderly and physically disabled mother is being foreclosed on and we will be evicted before fall. We have been searching for months, but have no place to go. Without me, she cannot live on her own, which makes me a captive to her and a slave.

    We have already surrendered two wonderful and dearly beloved dogs. Altho I am a writer, I have no words to describe the complete self hatred I have for being forced by this life to break my forever promise to them.

    I sought and received medication and therapy from about age 22 until last november, when I was illegally hospitalized against my will when I posed no threat to myself or anyone else. This was a coordinated effort by my then psychiatrist who had treated me for 5 years and my then therapist who had treated me since I was 22. This was ultimate betrayal beyond any reasonable measure. I now refuse to see any mental health practitioner and am refusing all medications.

    A lifelong writer, poet and essayist, I have stopped writing and keeping journals for fear that they can be used against me to imprison me again.

    I dont know what more I am allowed to say, but I do know with crystal clarity that I have only months left to live. As for the exact day and time, that depends on circumstances and is between me and my God.

    I have half a life. It has been overcome with pain, betrayal, grief, loss, and suffering. If there ever was, there certainly no longer is any hope, faith, or strength.

    I cant say anything more tonight. I dont know if I will say anything more again. But this seemed like the only place where anyone, complete anonymous strangers in the ether all, might understand.

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Story and welcome...I was also horrifically abused for my childhood and i know what that can do to a life...your writing is wonderful, and I am hopeful you will share more in our Literary section...I do hope you come back and find out how much some of us really understand and care...please PM me if/when you return...with caring
  3. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain. You have described your situation very well. You are a good writer. You need to keep writing here and vent out. Please have faith in God and ask God to give you strength. There is very little I can do for you. But pleasew do not give up hope. I come from India where rickshaw pullers have no home and they often sleep under the sky. But they work hard and make a living to feed themselves and their family. A man can live without home. If you become mentally well, you can find a place to live and food to eat. Mental health is very important. If one is mentally unwellm he will lose all even after having lots of money etc.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are some things you can do. I would consider going to just a regular Dr if you do not trust the psychiatrist. A regular general practitioner could prescribe the meds. I only say this because you say you were actually fine last November when hospitalized but now you seem intent on suicide. That would indicate perhaps the medications were in fact helping and if you remember what they were telling a regular Dr would get you a prescription and regular doctors will not get involved enough to send you to a facility. So far as your personal journals - if you keep them at home and do not share them with anyone I see no way for them to be used against you. We also have a private diary section here on the forum and that is anonymous and not accessible by any health care people.

    If money management is a problem you may consider a representative payee to assist in your money management. It may seem awkward at first but it need not be permanent and you may be able to learn the money management skills.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i know you do not trust now hun but in their mind they were helping y ou not harming you I like NYJmpMaster advice hun Go to your regular doc ok and get the meds prescribed by that doctor so you can get some stability back and in doing so you can be here for your mother hugs
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi and welcome to the site. NYJmpMaster gave some good suggestions, and I hope they're ones you'll consider.
  7. shedhaddock

    shedhaddock Banned Member

    Hi halfalifestory, Welcome to SF. This is a good starting point to talk about problems. I do hope you will choose to come back.

    Pinky :flypig:
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