Sooner or Later

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Memphis Slim, May 16, 2016.

  1. Memphis Slim

    Memphis Slim New Member

    I just returned to work after two months in a mental hospital. I've attempted suicide three times in the last few years. Recently I bought a <Mod Edit:Methods>. I gave it away then went back into the hospital. I'm in debt up to my neck. I was a failure in marriage. I was a failure as a father. I was a failure in my career.

    I know sooner or later suicide will be my fate. It's just a matter of when.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2016
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that you feel this low.

    Did you feel it helped you to be at the hospital? Have you been offered follow up therapy? Do you have any medication to help you?

    Have you looked into what can be done to change things? Debt counseling perhaps? If you don't like your job, could you search for a new one you'd like more?

    Why do you feel that way about your marriage and fatherhood? Is it something you want to talk about?

    Please don't hurt yourself. Get some help rather, this does not have to be the end
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am sorry you are in this situation and I hope it improves. I'm glad you gave your method away, just fyi, methods can't be discussed here. So sorry to hear of your attempts. Are you on medications, are they making you worse/better/don't know ? Please tell us more about yourself and we will try and help.
  4. Memphis Slim

    Memphis Slim New Member

    Sorry about describing a method. My bad.

    I'm a 52 year old mechanical engineer stuck in a maintenance manager job with no future.
    I pay $280 per week in child support. My ex wife requests more.
    I have approximately $13,000 in credit card debt, $8,000 in medical debt and $10,000 in back taxes.

    Presently I take three different antidepressants including lithium. I also take regular ECT treatments.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello again, how are you finding the ECT treatments?? I've heard they can cause a lot of memory loss, it sure did it to my ex boyfriend, not saying it's bad, I'm just curious. How long have you been taking these medications and are you paying the money you owe back?

    People from all walks of life can end up feeling suicidal from opne thing to the next, it doesn't make you a bad person or less of a person. Are you in any talk therapy?
  6. Memphis Slim

    Memphis Slim New Member

    The ECT treatments are rough and they certainly affect memory. I've been on one form of medication or another for 15 years. As far as money my first priority is my children. I am in therapy but that costs too.
  7. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Slim-Man do I feel your pain (and recognize it). I am presently 53 (one year away from you)-over 15 years ago I was in a very similar situation. My hell had to do with the IRS-I owed money everywhere (in every direction I looked) for years. I was beyond stressed out. I went from having a very lucrative job for many years to the complete opposite-by the time the IRS caught up with me I was barely making enough money to survive on but they still took everything they could as quickly as they could. I was days away from having to live in my car.

    Obviously-I made it through somehow (because here I am). I ended up getting very Zen about the situation-I only focused on what was right in front of me at any given time (no looking forward, no looking back). I never wanted to look forward because I believed that I had no future-I felt that my rotten situation would follow and haunt me for the rest of my days. It did take several years to begin to see the light of day again but eventually things did get better. The trick was to keep my head on straight and not let the expectations of everyone around me drive me crazy-no matter how much pressure the people around me forced upon me, I stayed focused and handled the situation in my way in my time. I took it one day at a time-I hope and pray that you can do that too.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  8. SweetSarah68

    SweetSarah68 Active Member

    Lifetalkz, I praise your reply to slim man, For Slim Man I as well feel your pain and have two failed suicide attempts myself. I have never been in the hospital that is only because I am not truthful with my psychiatrist. I only recently have told my therapist of my cowardly acts. I'm glad to hear you are back at work but let me tell you that you are stronger than you realize. The complications of life that get thrown at you are at times can be overwhelming and unbearable. I am convienced that there is no real cure for depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I am always open to ideas of others that have suffered the same discord. Lifetalkz speaks of Zen I would really like to try to have a better understanding of that. keep strong Slim Man! As for Lifetalkz any information you can share of how to get to Zen would be truly apreciated
  9. Memphis Slim

    Memphis Slim New Member

    Thank you lifetalkz. That was very encouraging.
  10. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    S-Sarah-I would be honored to introduce you to Zen practice as it was literally a life changing presence in my life many years ago. I have three suicide attempts under my belt-my first at the age of thirteen. I was a stressed out, chronic depressive alcoholic for over twenty years and Zen practice turned all of that around. Firstly I encourage you to do some research on your own to get more history on the origins of Zen-I would rather use this post to explain to you what Zen means to me and how it radically changed my outlook on life.

    What I learned through regular practice was that there is no replacement for direct experience in life-the only way to experience anything directly is to be constantly in the present. Being present might sound ridiculous-of course I'm in the present, I'm here aren't I? But most people most of the time are not in the present in their minds-they are either sad about things that happened in the past (that they have no ability to change) or worried about things that might happen in the future (that they have no control over). You'd be surprised how rarely you are really rooted in the present in your life-95% of your thoughts are about past and future (not the present).

    Zen practice made me realize that I believed that my failures in the past guaranteed a disastrous future for me-I believed that my life was on a trajectory that could not be changed because I had made so many mistakes that no one would ever forgive me for making. I was despondent about the past and hopeless about the future which was why I felt the constant urge to put an end to my failed existence. But I eventually learned that I was wrong on all counts-when I got past and future thinking out of my head and always stayed in the present dramatic changes started happening in my life. I refused to let myself think about what had happened in my past-that ended the thoughts of self-hate and self harm immediately.

    I haven't had a suicidal impulse in over a decade. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for almost fifteen years-I put my problems with alcohol to bed almost five years ago. I never (ever) let myself believe that my future will always be haunted by the mistakes I made in my past-when I started embracing the future instead fearing it miraculous changes ensued. The old cliche is true-when you change your mind, you can change your life. Feel free to reach out to me at any time if you have other questions about Zen practice for healing chronic depression.