bad bad mood atm. feel sick with upset and guilt shame etc. feel terrible! i keep holding back tears choking nearly am shaking am all tense and alone. and numb inside but fuming with rage and frustration deep down if that makes sense. just been to shop to buy binge food yet again but i cant even bring myself to wanting anything now. i just need a hug or someone to listen. today i wanted my mum to hold me, and take me under her wing and show me some emotion. shes so cold and i see the hate in her eyes, the shame and disgust when she looks at me, the tone in her voice. no respect no nothing. just as if im not worthy im not here. invisible some ghost that once existed. ignored. ive realised in the past week, why i binge and purge like i do. i dont need or want the food. i dont want to be like this. i just need love/ a friend. someone to listen. some security. a bond and trust with someone. someone who actually cares and want s me here. someone who actually likes me for me. i just want to FEEL and be treated as a human being and not scum worthless and non existent! im so alone. i cant cry i eat all my emotions and throw them up. im terrrified out of control and know its not me. im still in my body sumwer, but this terrible affliction has taken over me, my life. and im trapped... like all my feeelings suppressed like it is wrong to feel anything. in a trance, like im already dead. isolated and alienated in this despair. i have nothing but bulimia to make me feel falsely alive. 'is it destruction, that your required to feel?, like somebody wants you, someone that's more for real?'