Soooo angry

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lainylou, Oct 4, 2016.

  1. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    Can anyone explain why im so angry!!! Last few days cant even get out of bed. As well as having BPD I also suffer from ME. My other half has been doing everything for the children. I feel so resentful to him and yet he would do anything for me. I can barely look at him, he must have an ulterior motive right??? Taking care of kids that arnt his... Ive thrown everything at him, hes taken it. I dont understand this anger towards him, to the point that I actually want him to go. Someone please explain this to me... As well as feeeling suicidal paranoid and despersate, i have this overwhelming anger... I want to make him angry also, then get upset when he does. I am actually going mad. Ill tell him to go then panic if he tries.

    Completely desperate
    :(
     
  2. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you're angry with him because he's well and you're not? Or because you feel guilty that he's looking after the kids and you can't? In other words, you think he's making you look bad? Or you feel you can't relate to him while you're miserable and he's not?

    I don't know a lot about BPD, but I do know it tends to arise in invalidating environments in childhood. Do you feel invalidated somehow by his continued wellness, as though it's some sort of judgment of you?

    I don't know. Help us understand. If you come to understand it, maybe the anger will dissipate.
     
  3. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    I dont know its like i want to make him angry too.. No matter what he says ill find fault. Its like i like the conflict, i dont, at keast I dont think i do.
    Ill tell him to go out then get upset, tell him to leave then want him to stay.. Dont get it.... Do i love him or hate him
     
  4. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi again. I doubt very much that you like the conflict. It seems to me it's being driven by something. Try to calm yourself and just get curious about this for a while. The answer might not be in the present relationship but in the past. Did people around you blithely carry on with life even though you were upset? Did they ignore you? Is that the trigger that is getting tripped? If so, then maybe you need to remind yourself that it's different now. Your partner isn't ignoring you; he's caring for you.

    Is it the caring itself that you can't accept? Did you feel in childhood that you weren't really cared about? Or rather, do you dislike yourself so much that when other people care about you now, you can't accept it? That, too, you could consider with curiosity. Reflect on it a while, instead of reacting. Maybe a new solution will begin to form (if not right away, then over time).
     
  5. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    My perspective is a bit different-I believe that your anger is really about resentment and jealousy. You feel that this other person possesses certain character traits that you want for yourself but don't have. You hate the other person because they are a constant reminder to you of all of the things your bad at, the things about your life that frustrate you. This other person effortlessly gives of himself-you can't do that because you don't know how so you're always angry, mostly at yourself because you will never be like they are but you want to be, at least for the sake of the children. Guilt is the other emotion-you're angry because you feel enormous guilt that an outsider is doing what you should be doing. The other person is like a mirror showing you all of the places where you are weak, not strong and you don't like it one bit. ANGER!! (that is my two cents for what it's worth)-LT
     
  6. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    wow that sounds harsh :(
     
  7. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    When I was going through my darkest times (and believe me-they were darker than dark) understanding where my rage came from was invaluable information for me. It gave me the ability to put things in proper perspective and eventually led to radical change in my life-wonderful change! Sometimes realizing what you want for yourself (but don't have) is an unbelievably useful piece of knowledge. I appreciate your opinion but I don't believe that envying other people is harsh at all, I think it's normal and a very useful tool for self awareness. Thank you for sharing though. Everything I say on SF is always coming from an intention to reveal the processes in my own transformation that were life altering-realizing that I resented certain people because I wanted to be more like them eventually led to tremendous progress on my path to recovery! Take care-LT
     
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  8. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Are you getting help for your BPD?
     
  9. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    Im on meds at the moment. Waiting for DBT but not sure when this will start. Hopefully soon as i am literally going crazy
     
  10. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    I hate being like this. Making those close to me miserable, but hating them at the same time. Love hate. Happy sad. Its all so confusing.Want it all to go away.
     
  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I was diagnosed with Borderline many years ago. I was filled with hatred. I hated my friends but I didn't want them to dump me. I know that is a strong symptom of BPD, hate/love/fear of abandonment all combined into one big explosion of emotions. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but am happy to hear that your partner is "taking it" as you said because most people wouldn't. He obviously really loves you. Have you talked to him about all of what's going on?

    I'm glad that you are on meds, I've heard DBT is very helpful, though I never did it myself. I was able to self-heal, but it took 20+ years, I wouldn't suggest that route!!!
     
  12. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Oh, just another thought. I was on 4 different meds back in the day, and one of them, Seroquel, made me terribly up and down and paranoid. Maybe you need to go back to the doctor to see about the meds you're taking?
     
  13. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    Im taking clomazepam and quitiepine
     
  14. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Quitiepine is Seroquel. I took Clonazepam as well. But I was also on Prozac and some kind of anti-spasm med as well. I hope that things work out for you. I know how tough it is. Hugs.