Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mortal Moon, Jan 7, 2010.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm so sad I can't even describe it. I'm not angry, or afraid, or confused anymore. Just so, so sad.

    My heart is empty. There's nothing left. There's no hope left in me, no love, no thoughts of the future. Only tears, and a desire for death.

    I have no words left. Nobody can ever understand why I hurt so much. I can't make anybody understand why I'm so sad. It can't be put into words. I just don't want to live anymore.

    But I love my sadness. I love it more than anything in the world. It's so beautiful, and it's my friend. It stays with me, and it understands me. It's my comfort, the only thing I can rely on.

    I have to die soon. I can't live. I don't even want to live. I want to lie down with my sadness and feel its warmth, and drift off to sleep as it embraces me... that's all I care about. I have nothing in this world. I just want to feel that last moment, feel the life draining from this worthless body. And I want to feel those tears.

    My death can't be beautiful, because my life wasn't beautiful... but I want to love my death anyway, since no one else will. I want to worship the quiet beauty that I can only aspire to and never attain. Life only brings me more pain and ugliness. That's all it's ever done. I have no need for it. I'm done extolling the virtues of life- they're all false anyway. I just did it because I was told to. There is no beauty in life, except when it ends.

    I'm ready to sleep. I want my last thought to be of that sorrow...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well you know the saying sweet sorrow all too well it seems 4th! You really don't have to go into detail as we all know on some level about the pain you are talking about as we too have felt it..the empty feeling is the worst in my opinion as it just feels so non human and un-alive.
    Can you tell me a bit more about why you feel worthless? That seems so far from the truth from where I am sitting...I mean I have seen your posts, your humor, your love and how clever you are so to me you more worthy than me!
    Please keep writing as I think it may help you a great deal and you are very well spoken.
    If you want to talk to me I hope you know you can NoCal SoCal we can relate I am sure....
    I am really tired so am not giving you the best reply nor the quality reply you deserve so sorry about that...will try sending you a PM if that is okay with you.
    Hang in there and I am here in IM if you need me.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey you still around? I am concerned about you and am sad that you are sad...please write back and let me know how you are doing.
  4. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Hi Bambi,

    Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like my mother. :laugh: (Trust me, that's a HUGE compliment.) But she tells me all the time now that I used to be so vibrant and full of life, and how much I've changed. Like all the life has suddenly just drained out of me and left this empty shell.

    I don't know. Death is all I think about anymore. I'm just so saddened by everything... I've tried explaining it to people, but it can't be explained. There's just something there that I love and desire, and I can't put it any less vaguely than that. It feels like destiny. Like I was born to feel this emotion, and to die feeling it. If I can be said to have a purpose, that's what it is.

    I don't want to "commit suicide"; that seems to imply direct action, usually violent and painful. The goal isn't death itself, but the experience of dying. I want to slowly waste away, and think my final thoughts in peace and comfort. I don't desire anything out of life anymore, unless it helps toward that end (which is why I'm still here).

    I thank you so much for your kindness. It's probably too late to save me, because I don't want to be saved. But posting here has really helped me in other ways.
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Fourth Derivative,

    I can not help read your posts and feel you are born to write. Your attraction to inner "darkness", or perhaps better said your utter lack of fear of it, is so reminiscent of the likes of Dickinson or Blake.
    I know this is going to sound silly and I sort of can't believe I am sharing this in a forum for all to laugh at me about but I believe we each have a special purpose or unique gift we bring to this world, something nobody else can do or bring to pass. So I then of course wonder if yours is to be the voice of sorrow for others as you clearly are able to translate you pain into words very well. Now I know you feel you are vague but in reality you have conveyed meaning very well.
    The fact that you invoke Invictus in your signature tells me a lot about you as I doubt very few knew of that poem till recently. However, you understood its meaning long ago and so you seem to hear the language of the human heart and speak it just as well.
    My thoughts may provide little comfort and perhaps none at all but I strongly suggest you try writing more and see if in fact you have had a purpose all along it just need time to mature within you.
    If there is anything at all you think that I can do to help you deal with this sense of sorrow and sadness let me know as I am here for you.
    Take care, Bambi...
  6. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Again, thank you so much. It seems like I do this quite a bit- I start a thread in hysterics, and all it takes is for someone to respond and I feel a little better. I guess it's a cry for help, if somewhat indirect.

    I've never talked much about my emotions; part of that just comes with the territory of being male, of course, but I think I've been especially introverted throughout my life. Logic and observable reality have been my stock in trade for as long as I can remember. So it's a bit strange that, within the last couple of years, these powerful emotions have come to dominate my perception of the world. Maybe it's just reached a breaking point.

    My dad once asked me over the phone, somewhat flustered, if I was just going to sit there and let this depression kill me. I didn't know how to answer at the time, and I guess I still wouldn't. But I no longer view depression as my enemy. It's not something that wants to kill me, it's something that wants to die along with me. Does that make any sense?

    I need to go to bed soon. I know I'll wake up in the morning. How many more times will that happen? How long until I finally decide to lie down and give up?
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Again you convey your thoughts so well and have a great way of communicating your feelings.
    Sleep well and keep up the writing, you have real talent!
  8. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I feel for you

    hug yorkie xx
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    It's not too late for you. :hug:
    Like Bambi said, you have an amazing, beautiful way with words, of writing and conveying how you feel. I hope you'll keep writing, keep sharing things here. Just know that you'll always be listened to here.
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Jonathan you're right. No one here can truly understand your sadness. Your desires. They are yours alone. But each person here can relate to them. We each create our emotions to be so personal. To be our own. So that they are something that we can hold on to. Be they good or bad. They are our own.

    When people try to deny us those emotions it strips us of a very part of who we are. And that does the complete opposite of what the person may of been trying to do. To stop the pain. I think the biggest hurt a person can feel is being denied the right to feel and experience emotions. In one of your posts you said "I've never talked much about my emotions; part of that just comes with the territory of being male,". That in itself is so sad. That you feel that you can't share something that makes you who you are. I hope by now you realize that you CAN share those thoughts and emotions here. No one is going to judge you because of them. We all understand how important our emotions are to us. How they have in a major part, been responsible for bringing us to this very site.

    So please keep posting. Keep sharing. In writing about your emotions you not only help yourself, but even one other reader may realize that they are not alone. That someone else feels the things they do. Can put into words what they have tried to keep hidden for so long. Please Jonathan. Let your emotions work for you rather than against you.

    You are a very special young man. You have the ability to comfort others. Your style of writing really lets the reader into your moment. Lets them understand you and also see a part of them that they could not explain themselves. Keep posting and let us try and help you.
  11. Programvare

    Programvare Active Member

    Hi, I must truly say I was TOUCHED by your writing, and I feel very related to what you are sharing with us. The things you say about you feeling aboslutely empty is just the same way I feel. And that you're depression isn't your enemy and everything, I'm sorry, I don't think anyone can understand you fully or anything, and I'm not impyling that I can either. No-one can ever understand me anymore either. But when I saw this I was shocked, because I've never witnessed anyone telling exactly like me, that they have just given up and that you're just waiting for something to happen, that will make you commit. You don't mention any concrete problems (like abuse, loss or anything) so I guess you are just empty and feel hopeless, like me. It isn't anything concrete in your life bothering you. (At least that is the situation for me, I'm just writing nonsense about myself as you. Sorry.) It's just you're mind and something inside your head that only sees the dark side of everything and now all you think about is death.

    I'm sorry for only seeing myself inside this. I probably should have given you some comfort or something, but I ain't too good at this. I don't even know if we have the same feeling, but you just seemed to write all that i feel in a thousand times better way. You are an excellent writer, and I think that will help you. Please tell us more. If you want you can add me on msn or anything, or send me a PM. I really want to get to know you better. Please. Chris.
  12. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Hi Chris,

    I think that what you wrote is quite accurate. Thank you for being so heartfelt.

    You noted that I didn't bring up any concrete problems, and I guess that's because all my "real-world" problems are kind of immaterial to me at this point. Nothing that I'm going through right now is insurmountable, in terms of money, relationships, and so on. I could be the richest and most successful person in the world, but I'm very sure my heart would still ache as it does now.

    I feel so mismatched in the world. Everybody seems to find a niche for themselves, a way to find some kind of fulfillment, if they just look hard enough. But even if I allow my imagination to run wild, and dream of things that could never be, nothing feels right. I can't imagine being happy in any situation. How pathetic is that?

    So I guess I find a sort of pseudo-fulfillment in sadness and death. It's the only thing that makes sense any more.

    I posted a thread a few days ago in which I remarked that it's very hard for me to comfort other forum members who are suicidal, since we're really not so different. I want to die, so how can I tell someone else they mustn't?

    In other words, I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to help someone out of the pit if you're down there with them. But what I learned from the responses to that thread is this: just say something. Anything. Even if all you can say is "I feel the same", that's way more helpful than not responding at all.
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ummm ....seems you have found that one other person I was talking about. And I'm sure your post brought some form of relief to others as well. To know that anybody, somebody out there does understand and share the same demon. Now maybe the two of you can atleast for the time you're here share your thoughts and ideas.

    What you say and share here does make a difference Jonathan. So please keep posting.
  14. musiclady

    musiclady Member

    wow! If you wrote a book about sorrow, I'd surely read it. It's like you were reading my mind. So well put. I could never get my thoughts down so well. I hope your day takes a long time to come. Not to hurt you, but because you have so much to tell. Enjoy what bit of it you can, even if it is relishing the sorrow.
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