I need to vent, and whether people want to genuinely here it or not I don't really care. I just need to vent. I have had way too much to deal with tonight and it's overloading my mind and i feel like I'm going to explode, as a matter of fact i already have. I never flip out on people here but tonight I was pushed to the limits of what I could handle and I lost it. There are people on this site that in my eyes will never be forgiven, one person mainly and there is nothing that can be said or done to make that change. For someone to bring me down to a level that makes me feel like I am worth less that shit on the bottom of someone's shoe is wrong. Especially when that someone had no right to even go there. I am so tired of people making me feel like there is nothing to even strive for in life. I'm tired of people stomping on me like it's okay because it's not. It took tonight for me to break, for me to lash out and wish someone dead which I have never done in my life. I don't let people get to me as much as they got ot me tonight and part of me thinks that he is proud of his accomplishment because at 15 what other reason could there be. I'm sorry but that's how I feel. When I came to the forums tonight, I was already over the edge and past the point of wanting to die. I already talked to friends and said my goodbyes, I had already cut, and I sure was ready to just fade away. I came into the forums for one last ditch effort at help, not that I felt I needed or deserved it. Since being here I have kept to myself only coming out to help people. I have met a few people that I consider close to my heart and they know who they are because they are the ones that helped me tonight. The thought of me breaking someones heart nearly crushed me because that wasn't my intent. All I wanted to do was to end what pain I felt not create pain for others. My goal in life is to take the burden of everyone's pain, those that I care about I would take it all away if I could. I rambling sorry, I'm just so frustrated and fed up with things. Those that have helped me throughout tonight thank you because I was bleeding enough that if I didn't patch it up I could have passed out. I have been through hell this past month, I have been on the verge if not past that point many times. I have felt worthless, useless, and made to think that all I was worth was my mouth around some guys dick. Sorry so blunt but I don't care anymore. I have been shoved to the brink and pulled back so many times that I dont know why I'm still standing. I was raped by an exbf on my birthday, we went out as friends and I came home more fucked up in the head than when i left. I told people here that I just let him use me....I lied because I'm so deeply ashamed and embarassed. I feel like it's my fault, I feel like damaged goods, I feel like in the long run who the hell is going to want me now, not that anyone wanted me to begin with. I told people that i just let him use me because i know deep in my heart i caused it, it's my fault regardless of what people say to me. I should have stayed home like the pit of my stomach was telling me. I refuse to seek help here near me, I refuse to see someone because I don't trust people. I have trusted too much and all that has happened is I've been hurt. I don't care if they are "professionals" I don't want their help, i don't need their help, if i want to solve my problems and issues I'll find my own way to do so. I haven't eaten in three days and what I have eaten I've thrown up. There isn't much right now that I care about. I love my nephew, I love my family but I just don't have the energy to bother. So right now the reason I'm fighting is for Dylan and for you who knwo me you know that that is my nephew. All in all this night has been a living hell. It's 230 in the morning and I can't get my mind to settle down, I can't get all these rampant thoughts out of my head and it's all because one prick got me fired up. In the end I just want to say thank you to the few people that stood up for me, stood by me and talked to me regardless of how stubborn I was and no matter how much I said i didn't need help. So there's my rant, if this offended people, I don't give a shit, it's how I feel and I think it's fair that I vent how I feel because I NEVER DO!!!