I have friends but only a few I call 'best friends' as they're the ones I tell anything and everything to. WELL, up to now all but two have moved out of state; one of them moved to another town hours away a few weeks ago and the last of them will be moving out of state in December. Considering the others barely talk to me now I'm seriously thinking they're taking that whole 'out of sight, out of mind' thing to heart. That breaks MY heart because I can't talk to my family about wanting to commit suicide because I'm too afraid they'll disown me - metaphorically or literally – so my friends are literally all I've got. Who do I have to talk to without them? NO ONE. But that's not why I'm suicidal. It's simply the reason I haven't seriously considered suicide. Whenever I'd be depressed about something I could call up one of my close friends and we'd go for a drive or they'd simply talk me into being happy. The fact that I'll no longer be able to do that is what's making me realize that I haven't gotten over being suicidal – I've simply repressed it. Which leads me to why I'm writing this thing in the first place... Back in 2005 I think my mom had an idea that I was suicidal because she would always knock if my door was closed more than an hour; frantic knocking if I didn't reply right away. As the years went by she stopped doing it as much, but would still come knocking once every now and then. My mom and sister are in the room next door. I've been in my bedroom with the door closed for hours. There has been no knock on my door. Did I mention I have plenty of pills in my room? Pills I have to take for hypothyroidism and then the pills leftover from when I got my wisdom teeth removed. I'm so bothered by my family's inactions right now that I've actually counted them...65 pills in total. What if I had taken them? I could be dead right now and they'd be blissfully unaware with their stupid talk of aliens. This whole 'not knocking' thing is just the icing on the friggin' cake and is one of the things that bothers me whenever I'm in my room or the shower for a long period of time – how EASY it would be for me to go through with killing myself. I seriously wonder how many hours would have to go by before they start wondering where I am and why I haven't left my room; what their reactions would be opening my door to see me not asleep, but dead. It's not like I lock my door. They could simply walk in WITHOUT knocking if they so pleased. I just don't get it. I also don't get why I can't stop having suicidal thoughts. I've been slowly going emotionally downhill since last month but the past week alone has been the worst. At least before I could convince myself suicide wasn't the right thing to do; I had a glimmer of hope that at least one person would seriously be affected by my death. But now? Each time I have a suicidal thought I find it to be that much easier to rationalize it. To say I've hit rock bottom feels like an understatement.