Newbie here. I registered ages ago but didn't have the guts to post, but things change. Basically I'm screwed now. I've lost or am losing everything all at the same time. Example: Jobs going. Any hope of continuing education is gone becasue my moneys gone. And other things I cant post about. I was feeling like hell before, but in last few months it just gets worse and worse. No money nothing. There isn't any way of making things better. And its not just the money. Part of it is I swear I've had OCD (or something like it) for years. but back then I was told it was a phase etc. thought I'd grow out of it. I wrote down problems I had (debilitating) years ago. It was only through seeing a Tv show about 5 years ago that the dots got connected. I looked up my thoughts and bang - a moment of truth. But because of how I wasn't taken seriously I know seeking help is pointless. I mean I found out someone (like a guardian figure) had bascially figured my problem out years ago, and they just told me that I was always weird. Always fucking weird? my wrists are like an old man's now, and as a kid there were so many things I had to do over and over and so many nomal things I couldn't do. If I make it for the next few days I might try seeing a doctor. But its impossible to explain this to be taken seriously. i'm so frustrated becasue as my situation gets worse, the symptoms come back more and more and I cant stop them on my own. And its the fear/paranioa that gets to me. I mean a few years ago I was going to end it and i almost did. But the only thing stopping me was that I didn't have the guts to do it. And times like this \i wist I had the balls to do it. the only thing keeping me alive id not having the balls to kill myself basically. I mean I'm in my early 20s and I feel worse than ever. there is no hope. I've been let down by everyone close to me and what kills me is knowing I let myself down. I don't know if its better to just psyche myself up to kill myself or try to figure some way out of my mess. becasue I dont have the strength to do either right now. I think Ill see a doctor next week maybe. I cAnt take anymore bad luck. i spoke to my parents about this on the phone and I wasn't taken seriously. hwo can a parent be like that? So now the only place I can "talk" is on a forum (no offence). I mean I used to spit on myself until my mouth was dry just to stay "clean" because I wanted t hide that I was using the sink so much. Even thought I didn't realise, they knew I was doing messed up shit like that! What kills me is that they knew!!! And they did nuthing nothing to help me. And now they take things from me and they brush me off when I need help from them. I'm too old for this shit now. I've done a hell of a lot to try to solve my problems and problems of oher people and things for me just get worse the more I try. I just dont care anymore. I really couldnt give a flying anything. O hope I die in my sleep tonight. You know the heart stops sometimes when you fall asleep, and you suddenly wake up in order to restart it? When my heart stops I aint gonna wake up. Swaer on my fucking life.