Sorry i ever existed

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Drekono, Mar 31, 2011.

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  1. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    I cannot feel the sun on my skin. I cannot enjoy the comfort of a friend, nor the love of my family. I am not worthy to recieve such things. I am a fool. I am nobody. I am nothing. I am the black stain in your perfect little world of delusional happiness. Do not help me. I will only drag you down with me. Where am I? I am trapped, confined to the darkness in my mind. I have no memories of joy or happiness. No stories of love and companionship. No tales of triumph to chase away the fear of failure. If ever these things existed for me i cannot remember them now. They are lost to me. My memory is shriveled and dry, crumbling into dust. I wait as the wind wisps away the fallen debris. They were never there to begin with. I am reaching for nothing, an illusion. The only memories i have are of failure. Each defeat, every mistake, and one pathetic cave in after another. They replay in my mind over and over and over. Until the ringing in my ears drowns out the world and im consumed with each painful truth. Until my palms are slick with sweat and my heart is pounding in my chest. Until i want to scream at the top of my lungs. Until physical pain is a welcome respite from the torment of my own thoughts. Send me your pain, it is what i deserve. I am a liar and a coward, hiding under one persona after another. I AM LAZY. I AM MANIPULATIVE. I am not half as smart as you think i am. I am not half as kind as you think i am. Its a lie. I AM A LIE. I am the son you wish you never had, the brother you despise and the friend you wish you killed. I am all that is bad in human nature. I want to erase myself from this world. I want to sneak into their homes and burn every picture of me. I am VILE. I am UGLY. I will save you from having to remember me. When i die i want to be thrown in the trash where i belong. Cremate me first if you must but dont you dare keep my body around for a wake or burial.
    Send your demons, your dealers of death. Sink teeth into me and tear flesh from bone. Cast me into the abyss and watch as i cackle gleefully all the way to the bottom. You do not scare me. But i cant wait for you forever.
    I will destroy myself. I HATE MYSELF. My hate is justifiable. I DESERVE to destroy myself. I am saving you the trouble.

    I am sorry i wasn't more, I am sorry i wasn't less, I am sorry i ever existed.

    *edit* apparently i can't even post in the right section of the forum. If staff sees this move it where it belongs please. Im sorry
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Try talking to yourself in the opposite way of you just did You are none of the above just old words playing around and around in your mind not even you words someone else who was not so kind put them there Hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  3. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    TY but that never seems to work for me cause anytime i say something positive about me i hear me talking to me in my head and its like a blaring horn going off "LIAR" and then i proceed to have flashbacks and ruminate about unpleasent things then when i snap out of it i try to say something else positive and it just happens all over again ... rinse and repeat.. story of my life
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know me too dam thoughts inside our heads but if we keep saying the opposite enough times our brain will finally accept some of it I hope you are feeling a little better today hugs:hugtackles:
  5. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    i think you are what you think you are. unfortunately, it works both ways. if you think low of yourself then, that's what you are. if you think you're okay, then that's what you become.

    forget all the shit, man.

    do what you love and f**k the rest. it's your life, no one else should have the power over it.
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