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Sorry i'm so needy

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 17, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    please bear with me here - this is very hard for me to say

    i just noticed my post count and wanted to apologize for being so needy

    it's just that, when i take a long hard look back and i'm being honest with myself, i've been in varying degrees of this pain since high school (graduated in 1977 - do the math)

    in all that time i've had no where to go, no one who wasn't drunk or high who i could share this with - so it just keeps building and building

    the only safety net i ever had, i never knew i had. didn't find this out until a few years ago, but one of my college professors had some of the kids i knew keep tabs on me

    never had close friends in school and the last friend i had in the office died a long time ago. the first time i was in the hospital, his daughter committed suicide at college and i couldn't be there for him. after being out of work for 3 months i managed to make it work for about a month until i said something i shouldn't have and was put on leave again until the shrink said i could return. when i got back, i found out that my friend had a heart attack at work and died - no one wanted to call me and tell me so i couldn't be there for his widow either. even though i know that both of these circumstances were out of my control, i still hate myself for it

    if you been reading my posts you know that i've been having an especially hard time of it lately. most of the time i seem to be in tears when i post. i recognize the fact that i can't do this by myself anymore and that makes it even worse.

    some of you have sent me friend requests that i've declined. it's not you, i'm just not capable of accepting friendship at this time. to me friendship is a 2-way street and i don't think i'm able to give anything back right now.

    i'm sorry that i kept bailing out of the chat room. i'm scared and i can't figure out why. you all keep saying you care and sending me hugs and i'm not used to it. i can't understand why anyone would care about me since i don't think i'm worth caring about. not even sure why my wife is still with me

    it took me three trips to this site before i registered - never completed the registration. after i registered successfully it took me another few days before i could post. i hurts to admit how crappy i feel.

    i wish i could say things are getting better, but i just don't think that they are and i will probably continue to whine here until you are all as sick of me as i am

    but without this place i probably would have died last Monday or Friday. i can't say that that won't happen anyway. when the pain gets so intense that i can feel nothing else

    this forum is the only place i can turn to - and so far this day is turning out no better than yesterday as the project from hell rears its ugly head again

    i just wanted to take the time to say that, no matter what happens, no matter what i say or don't say, do or don't do, thank you for your patience and your support. never think that i take any of you for granted
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't ever have to apologize for needing support. It's okay. It sounds like you really need a place like this, where you can post and gain support and know that people care and will listen.

    You don't have to get through this by yourself. No matter how strong you are, it's okay to need help, to need someone to lean on.

    You're right when you say that friendship is a two-way street. But we all have times where we need more support than we can give. There are times when friends can't give ... when they just need a hand to hold onto while they get through. And there may come a day when you're feelign better and you CAN give back. But for right now, just remember that it's okay to need, and to ask for help.

    It's okay to be scared. There are lots of people here who registered but didn't have the courage to post or chat for a long time. It's normal, and it's not something you should feel bad about. And I hope eventually we can help you to see that you ARE worth caring for.

    :hug: If you need anything, just ask. I won't get sick of you. If you're hurting or you need someone, keep reaching out. Maybe we can't change the circumstances that you're going through, but we can be there to help you along and let you know that you're not alone.
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I dont think you are too needy, I think you are brave for posting this and talking about your pain and the struggle to keep living. I say post more! Get it out! It helped me a lot to read what you wrote, I feel less alone in my own pain and struggle right now because of you. It's okay to need people, to want to connect, to want someone to care, to be heard. We all need and want and deserve that.

    take care and thanks again for posting.
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    if anything i say in any way helps somebody else - at least something positive will come out of all of this and my life won't have been a complete waste

    trying to cope right now is getting really tricky

    my mind keeps hearing things that are out of context - i KNOW they're out of context - but i still wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something

    project from hell now has a drop-dead date

    looking at my pills (know i should get rid of them but i just can't) - bottle has an expiration date

    tried listening to music to distract myself - tore off the headphones after the first two shuffles: "Who wants to live forever" and "I can't stop this feeling anymore"

    feel like i should just take the hint
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Please don't feel needy. YOu know we get something out of helping you ya know? We get to put into words the things we can not say to ourselves and in helping you we help ourselves.

    It is all very funny when you think about it...who provides the most comfort to suicidal/depressed people? Those who suffer from the same.

    I have been following your posts and you are not at all needy you are reaching out and that is a great thing in deed.

    Please use us as much as possible, we are here for you. And try accepting a few friends requests, just a few and see how it goes-seriously we don't expect anything back in return as most of us came here and just took in the beginning...I know I did. Then I got better and decided to stay as it was the only place people understood me and now I am glad I stayed around cuz I am suicidal again...see it is a cycle of give and take...you are part of SF and part of that cycle, part of the SF family so please post as much as you need, we are here for you.

    Love and hugs Bambi
  6. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    It is horrible when it starts to feel like things are just getting worse and worse, and no matter what you try you still feel like shit. Sometimes, I find that letting myself wallow in the horrible feelings helps, but sometimes it just makes me want to kill myself even more. Just know that right now, you are probably not thinking straight, and thus, don't take any of your own advice as far as taking the pills or not! Give yourself some time to sort out your thoughts, do it here, try to talk to someone, write them down, but don't act on them, not yet. And breathe, just take a long deep breath, and focus on what you can control right now, not down the road or in the past, but right now, try to just cope with this very moment and get through it. I know you can do it.
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i just want to stop feeling like a loser

    i just want to stop feeling worthless

    i just want to make through 1 damned day with crying
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling and trust me it gets better, with time and with some support from friends it does get better.

    How are the meds going? How long have you been on them now?
  9. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    You will not feel this way forever. That day is going to come. I know right now it feels like a fucking joke, but it will not stay this way forever. I know the pain is god awful, and I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away. I hear how frustrated and desperate you feel, I hear you, I am listening.
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    original dose - 4 months

    new dose - 8 days

    i know that it's supposed to take time but i wish someone could give me an honest answer as to how long

    remember the first doctor on the first med

    - "it takes about 2 weeks"

    2 weeks later - "it takes about 4 weeks"

    2 weeks later - "it can take up to 6 weeks"

    sick of the bullshit - sick of the side effects

    tired of hoping for the best

    hope can be the cruelest bitch of all

    fatigue is finally going away - gonna blame it on the increased dosage - but i really need to feel like something is working soon - just a little bit

    is that too much to ask?
  11. Spirit Wing

    Spirit Wing Active Member

    it takes as long as it takes you to breathe - how long is that piece of string, right?

    i joined here 5 years ago. i was oh so terribly needy. then i left because i lost internet connection... {insert long story here}... and now five years later i find myself back here. somehere in those years, i experinced plenty of pain and heartache and right now am going through a messy divorce. however, those years were also filled with new exciting things, joy and love.

    it does get better. it really does. you just have to let it out in the best place you can find - a place where others won't ridicule you, where people will truly listen because they hear themselves in you. so let it rip!!
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i just want to be able to "catch" my breath

    i want to be able to take a deep breath without straining

    i want to wake up just once without first thinking "i want to die today"

    i want to sprout wings and fly

    hey, if i'm wishing for the impossible i might as well wish big
  13. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Having dreams, hopes and aspirations are all good things. No matter how big they are! Its good that you still WANT those things, who doesn't? Here's to flying!
  14. Spirit Wing

    Spirit Wing Active Member

    and you will, 'echo.
    don't try to rush it.
    just breathe.
    our bodies are wonderful machines and sometimes just need a little grease to get those cogs running smoothly again - you just need to give it some time to adjust.
    we all have wings, but it's like driving a car: we have to practice the take-off and landings first otherwise we'll never truly fly...
    i hope this morning finds you rested and healing just a little bit.
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