Sorry in advance, please this is needed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Scully, Nov 13, 2009.

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  1. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    When I was 21, I tried to kill myself, because I was doing bad, well you know my story, but what triggered me was people compared me to Scully. I like her though. I don't care about my security. I want to post that pic, because it's my healing process.


    It makes me inevitably think about Carter. Each time I see my face in the miror, I think about him. About him in the park, near my GPs, mon my street. It's endless.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2009
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I'm sort of in a crisis, sorry. I hate myself for that, and the rest. I need a way out of these thoughts.
     
  3. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I'm settled down a little. Sorry again. I'm so fed up to be a pain in the ass. You can delete all that s... All I'm worth anyway.
     
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Hi Dana, I wasn't really sure what you were sharing, but if it helps with your healing process please talk about it and share, it's important and we're all here to help. :hug:
     
  5. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I hate looking like Scully. And in the same time, I don't want to look different, because it's me. I love to have my hair red. It's my hair! I saw Carter in 1992 (before XF). When I think my mom told me in april 1991 he was my father. I feel like I can't cope today, and I wanna die. I love Gillian really, she's a good person, if you knew her a little. So I could never hurt her. So it's gonna be me. I'll end up doing it again.
     
  6. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I think you are very pretty!
     
  7. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    That's kind of you. Yet, exterior beauty has NO importance to me. What's important is to be me. And that people are them, bluntly them. I have so much anger coming from deep deep inside. It's not so much about Scully, it's about Carter... my father? I mean this is crazy, but he's been around, and my mom told me. And then I see that girl on TV, who kinds of looks like me. It's crazy. I just can't cope.
     
  8. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    When I was 18, some months after I talked to Carter, at a bus stop, in presence of friends (so witnesses), I put the music out loud and screamed in my room, banged my head on the cupboards and cried until I had no tears. It's different now because I rarely cry. But as long as there's a mechanism to cope protect, destroy yourself, it's not cool, it's not accepted.
     
  9. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    I am so sorry I ask this, you may feel bad because what I ask but I do not complete understand (english, translate).

    Are you saying you think your father is one of the actors of tv-serie because you look like him?

    Or are you saying you think your father is one of the characters who act father of woman who looks like similar than you?

    I can not get the picture and I totally lost tracks which is totally my bad.
     
  10. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    No, I'm so distressed because of it, it's good to talk. You're very gentle anyway.

    No I think the creator of the show COULD be my father (not saying he is). And everyone since I was 13 told me I look like the actress who plays Scully (well not the actress, the character), and that I have her temper. That man (creator) saw him in 1992, and my mother told me he was my father in 1991. The show started in sep 1993... So I ask myself lots of questions.

    And I'm distressed, and angry. I have my stomach, oesophage and throat burning. I know it's anxiety. But still. F!
     
  11. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    what make us unique is not how we look, but how we think
     
  12. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    Oh, now I understand. Thanks you clear it out for me.

    Is there possibility if you can get him to the DNA-test? What kind of rights you have as a child to get knowing who are your parents? Is this going by law of country where child live, or where possible parents live or is there some international laws on this issue? Have you readed what the law say about your rights? (Or have you already told it here somewhere?).
     
  13. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I agree, but when you don't know who you are, the possibilty is you think the wrong way. And I can't live a lie. I LIVE for truth.
     
  14. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I'm French, he's American. The law here forbids DNA "on our own will". You have to tae a judge, lawayer etc, and it can never happen. Children or bio father still has few rights, and it was in the early 90's. Born 1980, so maybe sooner than I think. Bio father children have basically no rights. I've been fighting for a long time. It's a hard fight, and a lonely fight.
     
  15. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    If you know and you have checked also what American law says about American fathers who have child out of America that is so. Can you accept that part of your issue if you can not never know? Do you feel you could accept it some day and which are the conditions how you could possible accept that?
     
  16. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I can ever accept not knowing. What's more. I live with a partner who doesn't want to know about that. If I move on without it, I'll never be able to trust anyone again. I don't want a father. I just want to know the truth. What happened. My story.
     
  17. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I think I'll just remain a wanderer, always alone and unable to really connect with neurotypal people, only weirdos. Like Mulder. Love you Mulder (my Mulder).
     
  18. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    Do you have a choice be without accept that? If we assume that is your main reason to feel you need to do suicide you did not know and accept it anyway.

    - You do not accept - you live your life without know it.
    - You do not accept - you lived your life without knowing it.

    - You do accept that - you live your life without know it.
    - You do accept that - you lived your life without knowing that.

    The truth you never able to knew is not change if you do not have a change to get DNA-test. It is your choice do you or do you not accept that. It is hard to let things go without getting know something what most of people know.


    How you have talk about this and what he said? What part of it and why he does not want to know? How long you have tried talk about it? Did he ever listen? Has he said he wont want to know?

    Do you trust your mother that she told you the truth?

    That is OK to be not want father.

    I believe that.

    Beginning at sperm? How much do you know about you? Do you know your babyhood and childhood, teenhood and adulthood? Which is the point when you start to know and which are the effects to what you already know about your story if you know or not that where the sperm came? You grow on your moms body, she born you, you start to breath and live. How it change your becoming and past story if you do not know? It is 5 first minutes of your life when they make loved and your life story begin. You may have 95 years to your story left after that.

    It is huge thing and effect for many things if you do not know but if you do not know you still have most of your life and for your story. I know who my father is but my family includes lot of secrets. Those secrets have uncover after people have died. I have get 2 new causins for example.

    Long text, I try to fix my grammar after few moments.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2009
  19. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    What Gillian means to you?

    Where that thought come that this planet is room only for you or Gillian? Not for both? If truth is only what you do want to know, how Gillian is connection the TRUTH what you want to know? You wanted to know who is your father, how Gillian came on this part your truth seeking? If you know or not know who is your father, what are the effects for Gillian is actor and do her job and you live your life with your partner?

    Or do you feel yourself dumped by your possible dad and feel Gillian have taken your place because she is near of your possible father?

    What about you get knowing he is not your father? Does that effect directly what is your attitude to Gillian and your self? Do you both have a room on this planet on this case?
     
  20. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    I understand, when my neigbours fight like right now again, i have got bad flash backs and I feel like I puke any minute now. I still do not puke, just feel so sick.
     
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