sorry, letting it out

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Vitreledonellidae, May 1, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry that i'm posting this thread, i promised myself that i wouldnt go to sf anymore, but i dont know what to do atm, no one to talk too, dont want to be a burden, deleted lots of people from msn, but i just feel so fucking disgusting, so sorry for letting it out, i thought turning vegan would help me with my bulimia and it did the first 2 weeks, but its back and so much worser than before. cant eat a thing without shoving my fingers down my throat. trying to resist it, but it just feels like i gain 10 pounds or something after eating, i feel disgustig, so i get sick, go to the bathroom, see myself in the mirror and thats the drip, see fat everywhere, fat face, fat neck, fat chest, fat arms, fat tummy, fat ass, fat legs, looking at my collarbones, comparing them with how they looked yesterday, it looks like i cant see them that well anymore, need to throw up, throw up, throw up and throw up. feeling so weak, everything looks a it blurry, too tired to exercise, dont think i lost weight this week, too scared to weigh myself and to see i gained weight.
    i wanna move out, away from this place with a kitchen full of food, with a mom who makes dinner every night, i dont want to eat, its just a shame, it goes right to the toillet, a whole fucking third world country family can live on it or something. i want to have my own place, with no food, quit my job, sleep all day, wake up, exercise my butt off and go to bed again.
    i'm sorry i'm just down again, i was doing better, i had hope again, so many dreams, but i'm seeing reality again, it will never happen, will never be who i want to be, will never do what i want to do (and those are realistic things) i completely fucked it up again, i destroyed my dreams and now i'm back to where i was, want to drink, want to selfharm, want to overdose, just wanna die. i'm sorry the last part wasnt really about eating disorders :? and sorry for the ranting and might be confusing and not really understandeble
    sorry
     
  2. so lonely

    so lonely Member

    Hi Julie.

    I spent the after noon reading through this forum and signed up a few minutes ago after writing about it in my diary. I feel so down at the moment but just chatted to a friend on the way out of the gym and have cheered up a bit. No doubt that will pass, but hey I'm feeling sort of ok at the moment.

    I'm not a therapist or anything, but thought I'd say hi. Are you on line for a while?

    Paul
     
  3. Michael Lee

    Michael Lee Well-Known Member

    Julie,
    I've been to that point where I have wanted to give up. On the two occassions only that which can be described as divine saved me. Giving up is the easy thing to do. I know I am an expert at it. It takes more courage to live and to begin to see ourselves as others see. Very few people are all bad or all good. It's okay to be imperfect. Throughout my life I've battled my weight. Started weight watchers two years ago. Hit my target weight about 6 months into it. Kept loosing weight. 5, 10, 15, 20 and then 28 pounds. People kept telling me I looked sick. But whenever I looked in the mirror I saw some one who was fat. I've gained some of my weight back and am trying to keep it there. I walk and run each day. Both because it helps my mood but also because of my compulsions. I've set a rule 8 miles no more no less; 5 pounds above or below my target weight. And I am sticking with it no matter what I see in the mirror. I spent my whole life (50 years hating myself and thinking that I was unworthy of love and friendship) Now I am starting to belief that maybe I am worth it. Maybe I can be happy. Maybe I can show the same love and grace to others that I have been shown. Hang in there kid. Know that there are folks praying for you and thinking of you. I'm here if you need me. Try to find that terrific person in your self that others see. Grace and Peace,
    Michael Lee (the old man)
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    B get yourself to the doctors. I know u dont want to but u must. The sooner u get the bulimia back under control the better. PM me MSN whatever but go tell your doc whats happening and I mean it..will hunt you down if you don't :jason:

    Hun, it aint all over, tis just a backslide :hug: you can beat this, but u must get the help first :hug:
     
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Gonna try and catch up with you soon. sent a msg on MSN.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.