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Sorry this is stupid.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iliketocolor, Jul 28, 2014.

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  1. iliketocolor

    iliketocolor New Member

    So I feel really stupid for feeling this way right now but I don't know who to even talk to about this.
    I'm not good at being friends with guys. And I met a new group of friends in February and I hang out with them a lot. They have made me so happy and I honestly love life when I'm around them. Especially this one guy who may or may not be interested in me who I am pretty positive I am falling for. Which is dumb because he probably doesn't feel the same way. But anyway, everytime we're not hanging out I am so fucking depressed and I just keep waiting for everything to fall apart like things always do. I don't know how to handle all the feelings that I have and the fact that my life isn't what I want it to be. I know this post doesn't make much sense. It's mainly because I can't make sense of why I feel like dying when I have so many people that love having me around. They make a point of letting me know that and so when I have to go back to reality when I'm not around them, I feel so bad. It's like, going from extreme happiness to extreme depression every single time I see them.
    Now I have this guy who I want to spend all my time with and I can't imagine that he'll ever feel the same way. And I realized I would rather die than deal with the confusion and anxiety I keep feeling. I would rather die than have the possibility that he or all my friends reject me some day. And I feel so stupid because none of this is a good reason to be so depressed.
    I mean, there's other stuff going on in my life too that is contributing to the overall suckiness of life. But this whole situation is the one that is terrifying to me. I avoid have male friends for this exact reason. I have never been good at interacting with men because of my abusive dad and that makes me hate myself even more. So yeah. I'm sorry I wasted your time with my stupid issues. Other people have actual reasons to feel terrible and I just feel bad because I can't hang out with my friends all the time. It's just that I've cried like every day this week. It's also cause my *kind-of* grandma died this week, I'm leaving my shitty job without having a new one yet, and I haven't been able to see my therapist in like 3 weeks. oh and my friend has been in the psych ward all week because he went really fucking manic and it was scary and stressful and I am a mess and I just want to be around people that make me feel happy all the time, and I can't.
    It's honestly just the fact that the possibility of these friends leaving me is out there, that I don't want to live with.
    I think the more I explain it, the more confusing it gets. But I am sitting at work and I feel like crying again. So I didn't know what to do. It scares me that I kind of want to die again. I'm passively suicidal again and I know where that leads. I've been here before...
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Okay - you need to find some space to step back and take a breath. First of all, feeling overwhelmed is not stupid, and feeling that you are vulnerable to being hurt is scary - feelings scared is entirely justifiable.

    Nobody can be with people all of the time - that is just a fact of life. I understand that being alone is unpleasant if alone makes your head spin out and you start catastrophising but I really think you need to go back to your therapist and talk this out with him/her. You need coping techniques to self sooth and remain calm in your own company. Your friends obviously like you a lot and there is no reason why that would suddenly change. You need to figure out how to relax into that. (easier said than done - hence the therapist).

    Go see your therapist - focus on making an appointment and getting that done. They can help you with the next steps.

    Stay safe :hug:
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