sorry to bother you :/ feel free to ignore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by janeann, Mar 22, 2014.

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  1. janeann

    janeann New Member

    Sorry thar i take up space, but i don't know what else to do. I feel like my life is falling apart. I have been feeling suicid for the past few years (i am 18) ane it's getting much worse. I've managed to keep myself alive because usually the suicidal feelings only last the night or a few days and i unfortunately i never had the means to kill myself when i've been in a crisis. I've had some plans, but i never managed to carry them out. I feel like such a failure. I want to he dead so badly , but there are people i have to keep living for. My best friend already enough problems herself and my death would put her over the edge, at least she says so, but i think she would be better off without me. My parents would be devestated and my grand parents even more . I am putting them through enough pain already by being such a failure. And there are other people who care about me. I wouldn't want the child I babysit to ask why I am not coming anymore and the mother not having an answer. Nobody wants me to die, but nobody wants to help me. Nobody takes me seriously, probably because i appear happy, there are even people who comment me on that, and because i haven't had a attempt yet (i tried to kill myself once when i was extremely drunk, i thought
    If i would keep drink8ng, maybe it would kill me, but it obviously didn't work), but i want my first attempt to be successful, i am terrified of anyone finding out abd having to go into inpatient, it would be even harder to kill myself in there and it would make me feel even worse, because i wouldn't want to do that to the therapist i would probably get and the other people in there. And this is getting increadibly long and i am so sorry but i don't know what else to do. Nobody is helping me, they only make it worse, even the ones i recently managed to particially tell how i feel and that i want to kill myself. Why is it.so. hard to kill yourself? I don't care about the pain, i welcome it, but i don't wantt to leave anyone behind, i don't want anyone to be sad because of me, even more that they might already be, even though i thinkt nobody would care, but part of me knows they would, i don't want to get attention because of this(e.g. at school) and i am sorry to take up the space of people who need help more than i do, but i am a selfish ,stupid attention *****. I just want to never have existed. It's not that i don't want to live a life like this, i don't want to live in a world like tthis. It's horrible there are so fucking many people who suffer so, so much. And i feel terrible for whinig about my tiny problems, i don't deserve to whine about it. Why can't i just givee my life to someone who wants to live, someone whi deserves to live. But still i am to selfish to help anyone, all i can do is lay in bed and cry. And binge and cut and be an annoying failure. I should die but i am not allowed to. But i want to, i dont deserve to live, but i dont deserve to die i take up to much space i waste a live someone else would be happy to live but i cant be grateful i wish i could just not wake up. I should stop talking about killing myself and finally do it od never works but maybe i am lucky i should try tonight if this wont work there are still other options , one should work i am so so so sorry to have bothered you andthis is to long and i am sorry.i shouldnt post it but being the attention ***** i am i will sorry
    Thank you so much if you read the whole.th8ng, even if you didn't. You deserve a cookie :) and i am just go8ng to post tjis before i get the chance to write even more nonsense i shouldnt

    Tl,dr: i am an attention *****, just ignore me
     
  2. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    hi janeann. welcome :)
     
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    You are not an attention seeker Jeananne - you are fully entitled to express your opinion or seek advice on here as is anyone else

    :freehug:
     
  4. janeann

    janeann New Member

    Thank you :)
     
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