Here I am yet again. Failing. Thought I was getting to a better place. I needed to clear my mind, hence my break from SF. I need to try to get my life in order, move on and all of those things people expect one to do. Well I realize that I am alone. There is hardly anyone left to die. I'm feeling so distressed that I'd really also like to say goodbye. These thoughts are extremely strong tonight. I'm not sure what to do. I just can't do THIS. And this is-- everything. The inability to accomplish anything, the moving forward and the moving on. I've been inundated by memories, unpleasant ones. One after another after another, all stacking up against me. It is quiet here and I feel like I used to when young. Vulnerable and unsure. It's easy to say i give up. It's harder to do, to go through with anything. But I can't keep going around in circles, I just can't. I'm tired of being this way, of feeling so messed up, of acting so out of character, just of being a F up in general. So more changes in meds maybe? Increase this, decrease that, try this, do that. What's the point? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....well you know what they say about that.