Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Nov 4, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Here I am yet again.


    Thought I was getting to a better place. I needed to clear my mind, hence my break from SF. I need to try to get my life in order, move on and all of those things people expect one to do.

    Well I realize that I am alone. There is hardly anyone left to die. I'm feeling so distressed that I'd really also like to say goodbye. These thoughts are extremely strong tonight. I'm not sure what to do. I just can't do THIS. And this is-- everything. The inability to accomplish anything, the moving forward and the moving on.

    I've been inundated by memories, unpleasant ones. One after another after another, all stacking up against me. It is quiet here and I feel like I used to when young. Vulnerable and unsure.

    It's easy to say i give up. It's harder to do, to go through with anything. But I can't keep going around in circles, I just can't. I'm tired of being this way, of feeling so messed up, of acting so out of character, just of being a F up in general. So more changes in meds maybe? Increase this, decrease that, try this, do that.

    What's the point? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....well you know what they say about that.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You continue to reach out here hun you know we care and you will have help strength from us to help you hugs toyou hun
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Been thinking about you...let's try to connect tomorrow nite after the butchers have their fill
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both. I struggle knowing this is my support. I don't mean that in a negative way. It's more a reflection of me and where I am in life currently. I miss having people who know me, like really know me. I miss hugs, that personal supportive touch, when words aren't necessary. I feel homeless, ungrounded. I'm, again, just tired. So very tired.
  5. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    You should not be sorry for failing, because the truth of the matter is that you are still here with us and that to me, proves that you are stronger than you think in wanting to purge yourself of all that you dislike in your life. Just being here still is a major success on your part, so do not think of it in a bad way, but be joyous and thankful that your evidence of being here still shows you have a deep burning for wanting to change your circumstances.
    That is a reason to celebrate, no matter how you look at it - and my mate :hamtaro: is eager to get you out on the dance floor for some good wholesome fun!

  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    The fact that you reached out here when you needed to isn't failing. It takes a lot of strength to do that! :hug:
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Can't i just flipping fly away? I wish it was easy to go. But I'm scared. To try in case i can't or i fail or.......

    Id like not to think this way. Not to have the desire of no longer feeling.

    Its just so stupid. I am.
  8. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    :arms: hun you are in no waystupid. I am so thankful to you in so very many ways. please be kind to yourself & allow us to care for you the way you have given others. Here otoo xox
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Ditsy... But all I have given folks here are headaches it appears. You take care please and thanks.
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You have always been kind and supportive Mo, even in your hardest times.
    You are a wonderful person.
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    windle.. Thanks, honest. But there is a but....naturally! I just can't see it, or feel it or remember being as you said. It's not that important, is just a selfish narcissistic trait I guess. Is not important anyhow.
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