I'm new here, I guess. I mean, I tried posting on something like this before and all I got were generic reasons for why I should go on. I don't know. I don't know what I expect from anyone, to be honest. I mean, I guess since I'm new here I should try to introduce myself or something. My name is Nathan and I'm fifteen. I go to a good school and I live in a first-world country and I have a loving family and I'm really a selfish asshole for feeling any of this. my friends and family have no problem telling me that, and neither do i. i've had thoughts of suicide since i was in the third grade, when I tried to kill myself by throwing myself in front of my neighbor's car. it was stupid, because she was just pulling out of her driveway and was going pretty slow. it's actually kind of funny, in a weird kind of way. in fourth grade i tried to pick fights with everyone. i kept having these dreams about an open casket funeral where my body was mangled and ruined, and when I was lowered into my grave, nobody cried. i didn't try anything again until thanksgiving last year, when i tried to overdose on ambien. i ended up only being able to take five before i forgot what i was doing in there in the first place, which is kind of funny too. <Mod edit: no specifc amounts, names etc>. i didn't know that. in eighth grade, we went to Big Bend and I almost jumped off the Window. I've been skipping class and cutting myself and you must think I'm very emo now. i'm sorry for that, too. earlier this year, I was psychotically depressed, but i even managed to cover that up okay. not many people noticed when the radio started talking to me and telling me to slit my wrists. oh, good. now you probably think I'm insane, too. i'm not, but my mom told me i was wacko once and that was pretty depressing. anyway, you get the point. i dont know. i guess I'm pretty fucked up. maybe it was stupid to come here, but i really just don't want to feel this way anymore. i've had enough of liking all my best friends and them not knowing anything about it. every time I see my dog, i feel awful because she needs surgery on her leg and she may die and it's my fault because i dropped her. my "friends" don't really care about me and make fun of me when i'm not around. one of them's addicted to marijauna and didn't even tell me about it, and he's actually the person I've liked since eighth grade, so that was hard. i mean, i don't know. i feel like all i ever do to anyone is whine. i make awful grades and they're thinking about kicking me out of my school because I never come to class. i have cuts and cigarette burns all over my arms and waists and people pass me off as just being an emo or a poser or a moron, and the teachers don't do anything because they assume I'm just incorrigible. i hurt everyone who loves me and can trace just about all of their problems to something I've done in the past or am still doing today. i know that I'll probably get about a million generic answers to this. actually, some places didn't give me any answers at all. when i tried at thanksgiving, i called a hotline just wanting someone to talk to, and they gave me a recording telling me that I was biologically inferior to everyone else because i suffer from chronic dysthymia and anhedonia. people at school never do anything to help me because not only is there nothing they could do, but they just don't like me. i don't see how anyone could. people say I haven't tried to help myself or anyone. part of me knows - vaguely - that I'm hurting others by what I do to myself. i know. it's just that i can't bring myself to care about anything anymore. i could go on and on and on. I really could. you probably hate me already, even if it's just because i'm whiney and emo and i probably sound like I've read Catcher in the Rye about a million times. sorry for that, too. i don't want to make anyone feel like shit except myself. I guess the point of what i'm trying to say is this: i'm a leech and a detriment to everyone around me, and I've thought so much about death and people being happier when I'm gone that it hurts to wake up in the morning. i just don't see any reason why I should go on if all i'll ever be good at is selling insurance from door to door, being lonesome, and borrowing money from my parents. (sorry if any of you are in that situation, too. i didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. god, i'm sorry. you must all be laughing at me, probably. sorry for that, too. i should shut up now.