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  1. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    I'm new here, I guess. I mean, I tried posting on something like this before and all I got were generic reasons for why I should go on. I don't know. I don't know what I expect from anyone, to be honest. I mean, I guess since I'm new here I should try to introduce myself or something. My name is Nathan and I'm fifteen. I go to a good school and I live in a first-world country and I have a loving family and I'm really a selfish asshole for feeling any of this. my friends and family have no problem telling me that, and neither do i. i've had thoughts of suicide since i was in the third grade, when I tried to kill myself by throwing myself in front of my neighbor's car. it was stupid, because she was just pulling out of her driveway and was going pretty slow. it's actually kind of funny, in a weird kind of way. in fourth grade i tried to pick fights with everyone. i kept having these dreams about an open casket funeral where my body was mangled and ruined, and when I was lowered into my grave, nobody cried. i didn't try anything again until thanksgiving last year, when i tried to overdose on ambien. i ended up only being able to take five before i forgot what i was doing in there in the first place, which is kind of funny too. <Mod edit: no specifc amounts, names etc>. i didn't know that. in eighth grade, we went to Big Bend and I almost jumped off the Window. I've been skipping class and cutting myself and you must think I'm very emo now. i'm sorry for that, too. earlier this year, I was psychotically depressed, but i even managed to cover that up okay. not many people noticed when the radio started talking to me and telling me to slit my wrists. oh, good. now you probably think I'm insane, too. i'm not, but my mom told me i was wacko once and that was pretty depressing.
    anyway, you get the point. i dont know. i guess I'm pretty fucked up. maybe it was stupid to come here, but i really just don't want to feel this way anymore. i've had enough of liking all my best friends and them not knowing anything about it. every time I see my dog, i feel awful because she needs surgery on her leg and she may die and it's my fault because i dropped her. my "friends" don't really care about me and make fun of me when i'm not around. one of them's addicted to marijauna and didn't even tell me about it, and he's actually the person I've liked since eighth grade, so that was hard. i mean, i don't know. i feel like all i ever do to anyone is whine. i make awful grades and they're thinking about kicking me out of my school because I never come to class. i have cuts and cigarette burns all over my arms and waists and people pass me off as just being an emo or a poser or a moron, and the teachers don't do anything because they assume I'm just incorrigible. i hurt everyone who loves me and can trace just about all of their problems to something I've done in the past or am still doing today. i know that I'll probably get about a million generic answers to this. actually, some places didn't give me any answers at all. when i tried at thanksgiving, i called a hotline just wanting someone to talk to, and they gave me a recording telling me that I was biologically inferior to everyone else because i suffer from chronic dysthymia and anhedonia. people at school never do anything to help me because not only is there nothing they could do, but they just don't like me. i don't see how anyone could. people say I haven't tried to help myself or anyone. part of me knows - vaguely - that I'm hurting others by what I do to myself. i know. it's just that i can't bring myself to care about anything anymore.
    i could go on and on and on. I really could. you probably hate me already, even if it's just because i'm whiney and emo and i probably sound like I've read Catcher in the Rye about a million times. sorry for that, too. i don't want to make anyone feel like shit except myself. I guess the point of what i'm trying to say is this: i'm a leech and a detriment to everyone around me, and I've thought so much about death and people being happier when I'm gone that it hurts to wake up in the morning. i just don't see any reason why I should go on if all i'll ever be good at is selling insurance from door to door, being lonesome, and borrowing money from my parents. (sorry if any of you are in that situation, too. i didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. god, i'm sorry. you must all be laughing at me, probably. sorry for that, too. i should shut up now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2008
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :hug:
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Try not to feel too bad about your dog. Accidents happen. Just yesterday, hubby turned the dryer on not knowing that our beloved cat was inside. Thank God I heard her screaming about 10 minutes later and got her out in time. I thought she was really hurt but she's fine. Anyway, I would never have blamed him for what was an innocent mistake, and I certainly would not have wanted him to hurt himself as a result. I know you have a lot of other problems as well, but maybe you can see this particular one as a simple accident and nothing more. I hope your doggie is o.k. Can't they just amputate the leg btw? Some of the happiest dogs I've ever seen have been "tri-pods" :)

    Why "Catcher in the Rye"? Do you identify with Holden Caulfield...or maybe the little brother?
  4. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    thanks a lot for your comment, anastasia. and thanks for the hug, too! :smile: it's good to be here, in a way. i'm actually feeling better now. maybe i should take your advice about the dog, and i really appreciate your understanding all of this shit. the doctor i talk to sometimes seems to think I identify with Holden, and people at my school do, too. to be honest, I just like the guy. he's nice and everything. i mean, i don't know. that's a pretty simplistic way to look at it.
    i guess I would ask what any of you do when you feel like you can't go on. especially at night... i read somewhere that it helps to try and distract yourself. i try to read and watch movies sometimes, but it doesn't usually work. what kinds have things have you guys tried that have worked?
  5. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    First up..Wecome to the forum.

    I think half of your first post were apologies..You don't have to apologise for who you are or what you are feeling...I have found this forum to be the only welcoming community I have known and even if you lurke and read posts, you know you are not alone.

    There are so many things I want to say to you but this thread doesn't seem the right place..If you see me in the chatroom, please PM me..
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hello from ireland!

    i'm glad you don't want to feel this way anymore and i really hope you will be able to overcome these feelings to hurt yourself.

    like you, i've felt this way for a long time, on and off. but in between i've felt great. had fun jobs, traveled, met beautiful people, ... well you get the idea...

    when i'm depressed and suicidal i forget all of this. all i remember is how much pain i'm in, how much of a loser and fuck-up i am, and how relieved i will be for the pain to finally stop.

    when i'm suicidal i try everything available to survive. i come here and hang out in chat. i play word games in the "fun" thread, like the yummy yucky game. i watch music videos on youtube. i find a professional i trust and tell them the truth, like all i think about every second of every day is that i want to die, last week i went to the doctor and told him just that. i couldn't look him in the eye, but i got the words out. now i have some anti-depressants, a psych and a community psych nurse who comes to my house and chats with me a couple times a week. i email the samaratins. i email all my friends and ask them to tell me a funny story about a time we shared in the past. i curl up on the sofa and sleep. i make deals with myself... i tell myself not today, tomorrow. or not this hour, next hour. or not this second, but next second.

    the forum can be a great place to share, vent, or rant and rave. personally, i believe professional help is also good (but not everyone shares that view here).

    good wishes,

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2008
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Love your name, btw! Holden is a pretty great character. While he is a part of this messed-up world, he also hates that it is a corrupting influence on the younger kids and feels the need to protect them from growing up too fast and being tainted by it. A very interesting character indeed. When I get depressed, I try to read too, but you have to be careful about what you read or watch or even listen to because it can really backfire :) Getting out of the house helps too if you can do it. Going shopping or going out with friends or even talking on the phone. Anything that takes you out of your own head for a little while I guess. I'm glad you came here and I hope this site can help you!
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