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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by azezal1, Mar 1, 2008.

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  1. azezal1

    azezal1 Member

    Im gonna try and be honest about how I feel for a change, and probably everyone reading this will hate me, i dont know.

    All my life I have had to deal with enemies. It started on the school ground when some tried to bully me and got themselves beaten up. I always wanted to remain to myself as a loner if you like, but who got into trouble for it? you guessed it me.

    Later when I was at college some girl liked me and we would kiss a lot but nothing more serious than that. Anyway it turned out she was dating some other guy who was probably on steroids, cos he beat me down when he found out I was seing his gf. Later that week he was taken to a hospital with 2nd degree burns. It wasnt me but id have a drink with whoever it was.

    Then my life exploded in a flash. While at work at 18 delivering pizzas I has a custamer complain that I short-changed them, even though Ive been shy all my life and wouldnt do that. I received a warning and later quit. I noticed later that one of my colleagues had slashed the tires on their car, which cheered me up because I didnt ask him to do it.

    After that I was an IT contractor and did a lot of lucrative contracts. Thats after I spent time in and out of prison. Lets just say I worked in the top firms in london and repaired their servers laptops desktops and printers.

    Now I am a penilless drunk living in a town north of london rellying on my gf to keep me alive. I want a way out. I was thinking of training to join the foreign legion and its always been my dream, but I think I need to deal with my drinking problems first. Not to mention my depression.

    I know most people are decent, but I have always been a lone wolf and like to do things alone. Too many times in my life ive been picked on by groups of people and when I retaliated later I always get arrested and sent to prison while the aggressors get away with it. I know the world is messed up but i hate having to be a nobody and let others bully me or go to jail if i do something about it/ And no, I cant talk to people, thats why I just want to die and I cant win any wars.
  2. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    It sounds like you have some good friends and people who love/care about you. You have things to live for!
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    First off - there isn't anything wrong with liking your own company. At school kids pick on each other for sometimes absolutely no reason at all, for goodness sake i got picked on for being too white in an all white school! Fecking pathetic! So you're independent - good for you! :wink:

    I'm guessing you've learnt that violence doesn't solve all that much - tell you what does a bit of patience and time. Yeh ok sounds sappy doesn't it, and no I'm not into the whole karma malarky :rolleyes: but do you know what is the most satisfying thing to watch - someone that is really mean falling because of their own stupidity. Just because you aren't always there to see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. The guy who slashed the tires, he didn't tell you he was gonna, what if you hadn't seen it, would it have changed the result in anyway? Don't get me wrong again - i don't look at people generally and laugh evilly to myself about how they'll get their dues, most of the time i'm too busy getting on with my own life that i've totally forgotten about them but sometimes its good to know that they will knock themselves down. **sigh - guess i am fairly mean afterall**

    Well you've made the first step already without even knowing about it, you've told someone that you need to stop drinking. Ok ok so we're online and 'not real' (although i've pinched myself just now and it hurt soo....:biggrin: ) but that is a big deal. You already know what you need to do to get your life back on track again....now you need to take the next step which is action. Sure it is going to be tough, addiction of any kind is an illness imo so you will need help. Find out info online, find a group near you that deals with alcoholism, tell your gf your proposals.

    I understand that the mountain looks way to high to climb and you feel like you won't ever reach the top but you've already started....take it little by little and it won't seem like such a trek!

    ps - you sounds quite creative.....are you? :cool:
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and glad you posted...it is obvious you have some very wonderful skills and issues coping with getting the benefit out of them...you say you cannot talk to anyone, when you were in the coroporate world, I am sure you had to...maybe setting small, reachable goals to improve would net you the availablity to have a supportive professional relationship, and to find other ways to be in the world...just my 2 sense...J
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