Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by azezal1, Mar 1, 2008.

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  1. azezal1

    azezal1 Member

    Im gonna try and be honest about how I feel for a change, and probably everyone reading this will hate me, i dont know.

    All my life I have had to deal with enemies. It started on the school ground when some tried to bully me and got themselves beaten up. I always wanted to remain to myself as a loner if you like, but who got into trouble for it? you guessed it me.

    Later when I was at college some girl liked me and we would kiss a lot but nothing more serious than that. Anyway it turned out she was dating some other guy who was probably on steroids, because he threatened me and probably for the only time in my life I backed down from a fight. I am not saying he would have won, I stood a good chance but getting a busted up face just to see him on the ground crying was not worth it at the time. Later that week he was taken to a hospital with 2nd degree burns. It wasnt me but id have a drink with whoever it was.

    Then my life exploded in a flash. While at work at 18 delivering pizzas I has a custamer complain that I short-changed them, even though Ive been shy all my life and wouldnt do that. I received a warning and later quit. I noticed later that one of my colleagues had slashed the tires on their car, which cheered me up because I didnt ask him to do it.

    After that I was an IT contractor and did a lot of lucrative contracts. Thats after I spent time in and out of prison. Lets just say I worked in the top firms in london and repaired their servers laptops desktops and printers.

    Now I am a penilless drunk living in a town north of london rellying on my gf to keep me alive. I want a way out. I was thinking of training to join the foreign legion and its always been my dream, but I think I need to deal with my drinking problems first. Not to mention my depression.

    I know most people are decent, but I have always been a lone wolf and like to do things alone. Too many times in my life ive been picked on by groups of people and when I retaliated later I always get arrested and sent to prison while the aggressors get away with it. I know the world is messed up but i hate having to be a nobody and let others bully me or go to jail if i do something about it/ And no, I cant talk to people, thats why I just want to die and I cant win any wars.
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