self absorbed all of this, but i can't be someone else completely. who i am fails at what i want to be consistently. i don't hate people. i don't want to be weird. but i am weird. and i make a good impression at first, but people, even people that love me think i'm weird after they get to know me a bit. i can't accept that i can't be accepted as just another person. it's more how i present than what i am. i'm like everyone else. i want love. i want family and friends, maybe kids, a pet, a house in the woods, to enjoy life as i can...the thing that brought me closer to this desire to act out on my impulse (though i know that it's how my internal state reacts to bring me to wanting to die) is that i can love soemone and they don't even know, or that they only see the negative. this feeling was heightened when the last guy i was with until the beginning of last year couldn't see that i loved him. some of my friends can't see that i'm human, or that's how it feels to me. one of the only reasons i stay alive is because my mom especially, and a few other family members and even a couple of friends would be so hurt if i actually offed myself. without them i don't think i'd here. i have to stress though, especially my mom. if she weren't here, there are some days i do think i'd finally just do it. i guess this is one of those days. i think about my grandparents, and the ones still living-my grandmothers--how i feel not much of a connection to them. they are still alive and they were there when i was born and they spoiled me when i was a kid, but i have not much desire to keep them company during their last years on earth. it's this kind of thing, combined with how i'm feeling alone most of the time that make me want to just end it. it seems so pointless. family doesn't feel like family and friends hurt worse and it feels like it would make more sense to not have friends, and to be estranged to family. i've been unemployed for a month now too (i wasn't fired, though) and i have no motivation to do anything at all. the past few months i've really let myself go. i know it's all my fault, but then again as i've said above, what is the point, especially since no matter what i still have to be myself and fail as i do? it's just evolution. wouldn't it be better to take myself off the map before i use up more resources? and now im 30 and i doubt i'll be having kids and some type of family of my own, though i did want something like that for most of my 20's. it hasn't happened. getting too late to have that be a reality. why should i keep using resources when i have no purpose on this earth, other than to weird out my friends and to eat, sleep, and sh*t every day? it doesn't make sense. (but don't get me wrong, i do enjoy life...i just foresee my ability to enjoy it decrease every year that i am still here until there is truly no question that i should just be dead and pass on to whatever...or pass on to nothing...or whatever is our collective fate after death). this doensn't get through what i'm thinking and feeling. i'm trying, but this just doesn't get it through.