I wrote a post on here a few days ago, I think, about what has happened in my past to bring me to this site. I'm really sorry, to continue moaning, but right now, I need to try and vent, even to explain it fully to myself, what the hell is going on... does that even make sense? I've decided that death really is the only way to get rid of this, of how I am feeling and of who I have become, probably who I always was. I'm so tired of trying to be strong, trying to get through the days, I think it's about time I stopped. I admitted that I am not strong enough. So I'm stopping. I hate myself, like gut wrenching, stomach churning, want to rip my face off kind of hate. I am such a bad person, and I genuinely think I deserve to die. I sure as hell don't deserve to live, at any rate. I can't let anyone get close, and even when I do, I ending up hurting them. I don't know how, or why, but I do. And each time, it kills me a bit more. I try and help people, but I just end up causing more harm than good. I can't even help myself. My own family think I deserve to die, and I really don't think they can all be wrong. I was stupid to think I could get through this, stupid to believe that my life would get better, ridiculous to assume that I deserved any more than I am getting now. I have tried everything, seriously, I've been all the medication under the sun for my 'illnesses', I've attended so much therapy, I've tried putting on that mask and pretending that things couldn't be better, when I feel like I'm dying inside. So, I've come to the conclusion that for me, personally, death is the right thing. Slight problem, as I am now considered 'high risk' while with Mental Health Services, and they are checking up on me quite regularly. But, by the time this week is over with, I plan to have done it. This is the first time I've felt calm in a long, long time, which is quite ironic. Just have to get through a few more days of this hell, and it'll be done. Sorry for posting, but I think I just needed to offload.. just know that someone somewhere knew how this was for me, and of my decision. Sorry, again.