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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostbutnotfound, Nov 15, 2010.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I wrote a post on here a few days ago, I think, about what has happened in my past to bring me to this site. I'm really sorry, to continue moaning, but right now, I need to try and vent, even to explain it fully to myself, what the hell is going on... does that even make sense?
    I've decided that death really is the only way to get rid of this, of how I am feeling and of who I have become, probably who I always was. I'm so tired of trying to be strong, trying to get through the days, I think it's about time I stopped. I admitted that I am not strong enough. So I'm stopping.
    I hate myself, like gut wrenching, stomach churning, want to rip my face off kind of hate. I am such a bad person, and I genuinely think I deserve to die. I sure as hell don't deserve to live, at any rate. I can't let anyone get close, and even when I do, I ending up hurting them. I don't know how, or why, but I do. And each time, it kills me a bit more. I try and help people, but I just end up causing more harm than good. I can't even help myself.
    My own family think I deserve to die, and I really don't think they can all be wrong. I was stupid to think I could get through this, stupid to believe that my life would get better, ridiculous to assume that I deserved any more than I am getting now.
    I have tried everything, seriously, I've been all the medication under the sun for my 'illnesses', I've attended so much therapy, I've tried putting on that mask and pretending that things couldn't be better, when I feel like I'm dying inside.
    So, I've come to the conclusion that for me, personally, death is the right thing. Slight problem, as I am now considered 'high risk' while with Mental Health Services, and they are checking up on me quite regularly. But, by the time this week is over with, I plan to have done it. This is the first time I've felt calm in a long, long time, which is quite ironic. Just have to get through a few more days of this hell, and it'll be done.

    Sorry for posting, but I think I just needed to offload.. just know that someone somewhere knew how this was for me, and of my decision. Sorry, again.
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Don't be sorry for posting but do accept the support that you will be offered on this site x
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I bet you are really wonderful but you don't know it!

    you've survived an incredible attack, you are much stronger than you know.

    I think that having been told bad things about yourself, you began to believe them. You are actually incredibly beautiful and wonderful, the truth about how magnificent you are has been hidden from you. Please stay here and let us talk to you!

    You have been surrounded by darkness. Please stay and talk! I know it may seem impossible, but in time the light can begin to come in, you may begin to see that you are really heroic, admirable beyond words.

    The truth about how good you are has been hidden from you.
  4. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    hey im here to try to help anyway i can...and i know you dont believe you deserve to live, but i think you do.
  5. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Fitzy - thank you for taking the time to read this, and post a reply. Your words are appreciated

    May71 - Thank you for trying to help me, you seem so kind and thoughtful, the world should be filled with people like you! I really am a horrible disgusting person though. I've tried to get better for years, and it just hasn't got me anywhere. The best place for me, and for everyone around me, is off this Earth. I can't cope. Thank you so much for your lovely words though ;)

    Trefioliecoly - thanks hun, I know you are. Means a lot.

    I just seriously can't do this. And I know you think so, but I am not worthy of this life. I've fucked it all up. Everyone I know, thinks that. I hate myself... this is my only option...

    thanks guys xx
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i understand .wish you werent hurting wish none had to hurt. to screwed up myself to even reply cuz i dont have the words anymore sorry just wanted to let you know others see your pain and understand. :arms:
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it is not so that everyone thinks you are unworthy of life.

    We certainly think that you are worthy of life! What is it that you think you have done that is so wrong?

    I think that what has happened is that you have been surrounded by negative messages. Your family has dumped negative messages on you not because you deserved them, but because they were looking for an easy target to abuse.
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    what was it that you did that you think caused harm? just trying to good is a good start, there are so many people who are just trying to do bad things. please be gentle with yourself! life has put greater demands on than is reasonable.

    it sounds like you are judging yourself much too harshly

    your family is wrong. your family is abusive. the things that your mother said (from another thread) are atrocious and appalling. no reasonable person would blame a child for having been abused, and would be horrified that someone would do that.

    no! no! no! I think your life can get better and without a doubt you deserve much better than you are getting now!
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    please stay and get better!!!!!

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    :console: :console:
  10. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    itmahanh - thank you for understanding

    may71 - you may wonder how i can see so much bad stuff in me, but i wonder how you could see anything good? i know what you are saying about what happened in my past, and being told im a bad person probably infiltrated my mind to an extent, but... for ALL of those bad things to happen I must be at fault somehow. and ... oh I don't know. I'm sorry for moaning. And again thank you a lot
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it is not the case that if bad things happen to you, it must be because you deserve it.

    Let's say you imagine a child who is good, perfectly innocent and deserving of love. That child is then horribly abused by his or her family, because his/her family has problems with alcohol, other issues, and want to abuse an easy target because it gives them a feeling of power. The child is told that he/she is bad and worthless.

    Now, is that child really to blame for all the bad things that have happened? Or has a horrible injustice been done? And maybe because that child has been surrounded by abuse so long, it is impossible to understand how much they have suffered.

    Maybe you can see in the case of another person that they wouldn't deserve that. But I don't think you can see that you didn't deserve it either!

    It would kind of be like saying Jesus (sorry for the religious reference) must have been a bad person because he got crucified. It's just the case that innocent people suffer, and frankly, I think it is the good and the innocent who end up suffering the most! Life just isn't fair, that fact that you have suffered so much doesn't mean that you deserved it!!!!!!!!
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Don't apologise for posting, it's what the site is here for. Sorry I don't have any advice for you right now, but I'd like to ask you to hold on, as hard as that may be. Talking does help, keep posting your thoughts here and you might find that it helps you too. :) good luck to you x
  13. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member



    sorry i cant do much more right now
  14. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member


    Lost hun you are one of the greatest ppl i know you shouldnt ever think of yourself in such a way. You have never ever even thought of hurting me, you have only been there to help me not hurt me. I have seen you help others and you have no need to appologize for anything just as i dont need to appologize for not being able to help. You cannot help what everyone does or feels based on what you say or tell them. Just know that no matter what you arent at fault for trying to help somone and they take what you say out of context.
  15. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I've just read your other post and wanted to add a couple of comments to this thread.
    Firstly, you seem to think that you're not strong. YOU ARE WITHOUT DOUBT ONE OF THE STRONGEST PEOPLE I KNOW. To survive all of that and still be fighting! That's incredible.
    I know that you feel that you've come to the end of your tether but you haven't. You can go on longer, you're just going to have to accept some basic things.
    Basic thing number one is that your parents are a disgrace and shouldn't be allowed to call themselves parents. They're not parents, they're child abusers. They should be in prison. I'm sorry if that hurts you but its true and you're going to have to accept it.
    You will never have the mother you want to have (nor the father) and you should cut all contact and NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM AGAIN. They don't deserve you and your life won't improve until they're out of it. How dare your mother contact you? She ought to be behind bars with no contact with the outside world.
    The good news here is that YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS. You can go on and have a happy life and (if you want them) children. All my life I dreamed of having a happy family (because I came from an abusive one too) One day I woke up and realised I did have a happy family, I'd just had to do it myself with my own kids. (And despite my mental health problems, I managed it)
    So whilst you might not get the mother you want, you can BE the mother you want. That's important, think about it.
    Your parents have transferred what THEY are onto YOU. Don't let them get away with that. It's wrong. Stop allowing them to control your life.
    Next, you haven't given yourself anywhere near enough time to get better. You suffered from 14 (? Can't remember sorry) years of abuse and expect to mend it in 7? That's not going to happen. You're going to need a lot more time than that.
    You're not a bad person, you're a victim of several horrific crimes but more importantly, you're a survivor. So you need to keep surviving. Stop hating yourself, that's just your parents talking and you shouldn't be listening to them anyway (child abusers remember? Who'd listen to them? - would you take advice from Fred and Rosemary West?)
    You also say that you try to help people but it goes wrong. I help people for a living and it often goes wrong. Sometimes things are just out of our control and we have to accept that. Doesn't mean we should stop trying.
    Don't let your parents win on this one. We need people like you in the world, not people like them. There's a whole generation of children being abused right now and they're going to need people like you in the future to show them that it's possible to survive. Aim towards that and give yourself the time and space to heal. xxxx
  16. DreadlockPixi

    DreadlockPixi New Member

    Honey, I have spoken to you a few times and believe me, you are a genuine and lovely person.
    All you have suffered at the hands of your family has taken its toll and I understand that, but they obviously are heartless and have no idea what you are going through.
    I know what it's like to feel totally hopeless and devastated and that you feel you have no option but to end it all, but if you do...they have won.
    Believe me, I'm right with you regarding the suicide thing, Ive attempted as you know deveral times and been locked up for it, and some people just don't give a shit, and your family appear to be like this.
    If you go ahead and end your life now, you dont get to stand tal and show them that you are making a success of your life without them, that's got to be the biggest slap in their faces if you do that!
    You ARE strong honey, you CAN honestly come through this with good suport and love and I will ALWAYS be here for you to talk to.
    Blessed Be. xxxx
  17. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    you should listen to the last two post lost, they have very good points and say things that i couldnt, you ARE strong, and you are the best person i have met in a long time, you ARE NOT to blame for anything that those so called parnts and others have done to you in your past. you can go on and should go on if for nothing else then to show yourself you can.
    I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!! and :love:
  18. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi guys,

    Thank you all for your kind messages and words, it was good that people acknowledged what is going on for me right now.
    I have tried continuously to make things better, and to help myself, by doing what has been suggested by mental health services, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors and nurses, but nothing has changed.
    I am a failure, and I am all the things that I said in my main post. I want this to end. I'm scared of everything to the extent I don't leave my flat... how is that a way to live? I've spent a lot of this week crying (i hate doing it, makes me feel weak) and now enough is enough.
    I have the stuff here ready, to take away the pain, and I'm glad. I don't deserve to be here, and quite frankly I don't want to be here either. This place is like my own personal hell! And I want out.
    As I said before, my mental health workers take it upon themselves to check up on me, so I have to see them in a few hours, but if luck goes my way I shall be able to blag them, and do this once and for all.
    I'm so thankful for the kind people who have talked with me while I have been on this site, and have tried to help me... I'm not used to that so it came as quite a shock! But yeah, really I'm just commenting here to say thank you. And I'm sorry.
  19. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    I'm in the same boat, man... it hurts too much to leave my house these days. My life is full of fail and I'm pathetic. I'm workin on plans to obtain my method and it's exciting... the prospect of no longer being me brings a kind of peace I haven't felt in years. This disaster of an existence will be over with soon enough.
  20. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I don't want you to go at all, but if you do go, I don't want you to go thinking that you are unworthy of love, because you are worthy of love and I love you! I wish I could give you enough love to take all the pain away!

    I'm going to hope that somehow you won't do this and will find a way to get better and feel happy.

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    :console: :console:
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