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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rukia, Dec 18, 2010.

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  1. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for posting again, feel free to ignore me.

    Suicidal thoughts are really strong now. I want to die so badly, and being alone with noone to talk to doesnt make things better. :( Things will never get better. Whats the point in trying? :cry:
  2. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Things will get better,you are experiencing peak intensity of negative emotion...do not be sorry,just be here when i log in next time.

    Please? :anony:
  3. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I'm not going anywhere, not planning on ruin christmas for anyone.

    But I want to die so badly. It hurts so much. :cry: Help me?
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i think you are great.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hang in there. it is going to get better. it's just the depression lying to you when it says you'll always feel this way. i know you can make it. i believe in you.
  6. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Things won't get better, I'll never stop being suicidal. It's been over 10 years. I want to think about me now, not everyone else.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I've been suicidal since i was 12 and i'm 45 now, so you can make it. I'm not dead yet despite many years of despair and three attempts. It's just a matter of learning new coping techniques, getting all the supports you can, recognizing your triggers and avoiding them, and taking good, good care of yourself. You are right you should put yourself first. You are the most important person. But not in the way you are thinking, not in terms of hurting yourself, just in terms of taking the best care of you. Holding you in my thoughts.
  8. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    I will try.

    Ok,let me tell you about a secret place in the town where I live.To the unknowing it is merely a fenced off area with an electricity pylon plonked in the middle.But to those who know,it is a place that tells a remarkable tale of survival that stretches back to an event twenty years ago,when an incompetent pet owner dumped two domestic rabbits in a box near an opening of the fence.
    A relative of mine who worked on maintenance of the area noticed the box,he also noticed signs of newly arrived rabbits.Two days later he spotted the pair.

    In his mind they did not stand much of a chance because there was a busy road nearby and sooner or later the chances were that a predator would discover them.

    Twenty years later he takes his grandchildren,a five year old and a two year old to see the descendants of those two rabbits.

    At the height of summer,when the evening turns orange,the children of the children of the children etc...of those first two domestics greenhorns come out to play and show the world that they deserve to be here.I know this because the last time I managed to catch a mouse in a humane trap I took it down there to set it free.I figured if the little fella stood a chance then that would be the best place to let it go.

    That was eight years ago.

    Today the state troopers are called out on a regular basis to the mouse shanty town of six million that sprung up on that exact spot.
    Officers have been trained to deal with incidents ranging from cheese theft to cat taunting.

    So if tiny animals can make it,if they can take a little piece of the world and make it their own,then maybe a tiny hope or dream can make it too.:Jehuty:
  9. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I'm just not made for this life.
  10. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    it's been ten years for me too...and i'm at the same point...i feel like a cancer patient refusing chemo...it's my right to give up and kill myself, the same way a cancer patient can give up on chemo and let themselves die...it's suicide in a socially acceptable manner...except their pain is physical...the suicidal thoughts are constant...it hurts...nobody knows the pain under my smile...i'm really good at hiding it...i wish i wasn't...

    BUT, i can't do this...because there are a few people who i care about that would die with me if i killed myself...and even if you think you don't have that, i am sure somebody has been touched by you and would be completely different without you...

    ...to get through the day, i think about a high point in life...and just hope that i can get back there someday...and, i think about my favorite foods...and b/c there's no food in death, i have one more reason to live...

    i hope you are seeing a therapist...without mine, i would not be here...
    i'm slowly getting better, b/c of therapy...
    if you are in therapy, and it's not working, or you're not getting better, get a new therapist!

    hang in there...PM me if u need anything...even just to rant...
  11. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I have people in my life that would suffer if I die, thats the only reason why I'm still here. My parents, espessially my dad who I love to bits, my friends, my nephews and neices. I know they would miss me. And I do think that its better that I'm in pain instead of them, but some days it just gets too much. I'm sitting here all alone on a saturday night crying. My rl friends are all in Scotland visiting another friend, my few online friends doesn't want to talk to me and my best friend is sleeping because he lives on the other side of the world and its night there now. Lonelyness is a big part of my depression, I'm always lonely no matter how many people are there with me.
  12. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Hey Rukia. :) is this is a constant feeling of loneliness or is just a very bad spell of feeling alone that seems to go on forever.
    I suffer from the latter,a lot of depressed people get these feelings.When they arrive it is with such an awfulness that is seems it will never go away...but it does.It is not easy or possible at the moment of feeling so alone to remember feeling any other way.
    Please,I need to know if you know you can get beyond the loneliness to feeling better.

    If you cant,if your experience does not match my own,then explain a little and I shall go looking for online help for you. :)

    You will owe me nothing for this and you will not be obliged to me in any way,so do not feel that my help will give you more of a burden of effort. :)
  13. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm alone on a Sat nite too. I'm not sure if the few friends I have are sick of me or not. I thought about calling suicide hotline just for someone to talk to but I think that would make me feel worse. The support groups I used to go to have all shut down. It's my country's way of isolating and destroying the weak, myself. Sorry I don't have any optimism for you, but that's how I feel.
  14. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I guess it's a bad spell of feeling alone.

    pit :hug:
  15. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    does your best friend know about your depression? or any of your rl friends??? or your dad? you should tell somebody...you'd be surprised how supportive ppl can be...tell them how bad you are...and tell them that you need somebody to check in with you...

    i know the feeling of being so alone...that is maybe the hardest part (secondary to the constant thoughts of suicide)...you think that nobody cares...but they do...especially your best friend and your parents...the feeling may always be there, but not to the same intensity...sometimes, i feel all my problems would be solved if i had a man who loved me, and who liked to cuddle...
  16. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    My best friend knows, he got me through the night as he always do. He has saved my life more times than I can remember. Most people in my life knows I'm depressed, but they don't know about the suicidal thoughts, the lonelyness or the voices. It's best that way.
  17. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i'm glad your best friend knows...but i wish that somebody who lived closer to you knew what was going on...

    i recently moved away from my best friend, and i needed somebody who lived nearby to be able to save me from myself when i needed it...i was SOOOOOO surprised by how supportive this girl was, although i had only met 3 months prior...

    one of your rl friends has got to be somebody you can turn to...or your dad?
  18. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I caused enough problems for my friends some years ago when I used to tell them that I was going to end my life every time we were out drinking. It's better that they think I'm over that, they don't need my drama.
    And my dad... We are both the quiet type, not talking much, and how can I tell him that his youngest daughter doesn't want to live anymore? It would hurt him and I don't want to do that.
  19. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    You have to try and be honest with yourself. Which would be worse for him? You telling him the truth about your situation, or him being asked to identify a body...?

    PM if you need a listener.
    Much love,
  20. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I know. Thats one of the reasons why I'm still here. When I'm having good days I know that it's better that I live with these feelings til I die of old age instead of causing pain on anyone.
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