So very sorry to all my friends here . Its been messy in my life , awful , I feel sick , I thought I had a handle on my life but the rug keeps getting pulled from under me but I am alive . Don't know what to do or where to turn but I am alive , and thats a good thing , yes ? . I love her I love her I love her , I love her so fucking much . Why can't I stop lovimg her , why can't I hate her , when will this stop ? will this ever stop ? No , it will be like this forever , because I love her , she is my life . Why did I fuck this up , why did I destroy my family . My head hurts , my heart hurts , everything hurts .