i'm not well. way things go, and what i've always been told is right now i'm at 'critical' stage, things could get very messy over the next few days. i woke up and did my usual rounds of call, which goes like this -samaritans -CPN - trek to A+E seeing as i'm under the crisis team at the moment, i thought it more convenient to give them a call after learning my CPN was on still on leave. i didn't call the samaritans, although to be fair they've been the most helpful in the past by letting me talk at least. the nature of what i go through is sudden, it's acute, it's very intense. my CPN and the one worker who i've been seeing regularly as part of the crisis team knows this, they know the nature of what i go through and know the risk. i've been told - you know yourself best, you have great insight, we trust you, and you will come to us when things are bad and we'll listen/take you seriously. this was by one worker, who i've had a really good rapport with and i've seen consistently over the last week and a bit. so far i've been okay. until last night. just now i get a man called david on the other end of the line who has NO CLUE about my case. it's obvious the man is asleep/blanking out during handover or says this bullshit to everyone which goes like this when i let him know how i've deteriorated over the last 12 hrs: - "what have you done to cope?" - "it's human, everyone goes through what you are" - "you've been through this before" - "you can cope, you can can can!" - "distract yourself, go out, listen to music" - a monologue about his textbook understanding of 'depression and anxiety', and the limitations of antidepressants (?!) said fast, under his breath but a monologue nonetheless and many assumptions about what i'm doing - NO QUESTIONS ABOUT THE SUICIDE/SELF HARM RISK and this is from the Crisis Team of all people. right, i let him spew on for a good few minutes. if i was agitated i'd have interrupted him after 1 minute. i correct him about a few things above, ask him his name, and tell him i'm not depressed and i have never BEEN interested in fucking anti-depressants. my mood crashes because of other things. depression to me is chronic. i tell him about the C PTSD. his response: "dear.. *small laugh* i've had a spinal injury that needed operating on in my back" at this point i've had it with him. i tell him I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS HEALTH. then he goes on about how "i can cope" and "we're trying to keep you mobile" and "help you keep going," for fucks sake, does this man know anything about my case, has he read it? has he read what i do to manage? workers, nurses and people who know me know/realise i'm very resourceful, i have so much, so i don't resort to drinking/drugs, when i'm acccessing these people's help it's because they are failing and i'm getting overwhelmed. the workers who know this would not go on this blind self indulgent roll to me. i say the above, although i forget to ask him what he knows about my case. i tell him i feel you're talking in your own world, you are not attempting to connect to me in any way "but listening to me has distracted you hasn't it?" i tell him STOP making assumptions about what i'm going through right now, what i went through yesterday. i then finish off with: i am calling you because i get ill very fast and i'm going to take the PRN drugs but if things get worse, i will have to come in to see someone, i am just letting you know, and cut the line. by this time i was borderline yelling at him. i doubt anything sank in. this is exactly why i don't call up the crisis team on the phone. it's better when it's not face-to-face communication to close one's eyes and just sit there talking to oneself with fragile people on the edge where there is NO initiative to get out my notes, read 'em, listen to others in handover and fail to ask the most obvious things about suicide risk while getting paid for it i could have told him but there was no opportunity, the man just kept talking on and on and on to close all avenues where i could tell him " the urges have come back again."