sound of silence/reaching out.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by plates, Jan 4, 2011.

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  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i'm not well. way things go, and what i've always been told is right now i'm at 'critical' stage, things could get very messy over the next few days.

    i woke up and did my usual rounds of call,
    which goes like this
    -samaritans
    -CPN
    - trek to A+E

    seeing as i'm under the crisis team at the moment, i thought it more convenient to give them a call after learning my CPN was on still on leave. i didn't call the samaritans, although to be fair they've been the most helpful in the past by letting me talk at least.



    the nature of what i go through is sudden, it's acute, it's very intense. my CPN and the one worker who i've been seeing regularly as part of the crisis team knows this, they know the nature of what i go through and know the risk.

    i've been told

    - you know yourself best, you have great insight, we trust you, and you will come to us when things are bad and we'll listen/take you seriously.



    this was by one worker, who i've had a really good rapport with and i've seen consistently over the last week and a bit.

    so far i've been okay.

    until last night.

    just now i get a man called david on the other end of the line who has NO CLUE about my case.

    it's obvious the man is asleep/blanking out during handover or says this bullshit to everyone which goes like this when i let him know how i've deteriorated over the last 12 hrs:

    - "what have you done to cope?"
    - "it's human, everyone goes through what you are"
    - "you've been through this before"
    - "you can cope, you can can can!"
    - "distract yourself, go out, listen to music"
    - a monologue about his textbook understanding of 'depression and anxiety', and the limitations of antidepressants (?!) said fast, under his breath but a monologue nonetheless and many assumptions about what i'm doing
    - NO QUESTIONS ABOUT THE SUICIDE/SELF HARM RISK

    and this is from the Crisis Team of all people.


    right, i let him spew on for a good few minutes. if i was agitated i'd have interrupted him after 1 minute.


    i correct him about a few things above, ask him his name,

    and tell him i'm not depressed and i have never BEEN interested in fucking anti-depressants. my mood crashes because of other things. depression to me is chronic. i tell him about the C PTSD.

    his response:

    "dear.. *small laugh* i've had a spinal injury that needed operating on in my back"

    at this point i've had it with him.

    i tell him I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS HEALTH.

    then he goes on about how "i can cope"
    and "we're trying to keep you mobile" and "help you keep going,"

    for fucks sake, does this man know anything about my case, has he read it? has he read what i do to manage? workers, nurses and people who know me know/realise i'm very resourceful, i have so much, so i don't resort to drinking/drugs, when i'm acccessing these people's help it's because they are failing and i'm getting overwhelmed. the workers who know this would not go on this blind self indulgent roll to me.


    i say the above, although i forget to ask him what he knows about my case.
    i tell him i feel you're talking in your own world, you are not attempting to connect to me in any way

    "but listening to me has distracted you hasn't it?"

    i tell him STOP making assumptions about what i'm going through right now, what i went through yesterday.

    i then finish off with: i am calling you because i get ill very fast and i'm going to take the PRN drugs but if things get worse, i will have to come in to see someone, i am just letting you know, and cut the line.

    by this time i was borderline yelling at him. i doubt anything sank in.



    this is exactly why i don't call up the crisis team on the phone. it's better when it's not face-to-face communication to close one's eyes and just sit there talking to oneself with fragile people on the edge where there is NO initiative to get out my notes, read 'em, listen to others in handover and fail to ask the most obvious things about suicide risk while getting paid for it

    i could have told him but there was no opportunity, the man just kept talking on and on and on to close all avenues where i could tell him " the urges have come back again."
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2011
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm really sorry you had such an unhelpful conversation. i once met with a psychiatrist who hadn't read my file. she said alot of totally moronic things to me. i was humiliated. then very, very angry.

    when does your regular cpn get back from leave? can you make it til then?
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry you got one that did not seem to care. For the most thou crisis has help me there was one that one sharp uncaring and now i too find it hard to call back. It is a shame how one can cause so much pain while others really listen and care. I hope your team is back soon hugs
     
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thank you for your reply.

    i'm used to the local A+E and CRT workers not reading my notes. it's happened many times before.

    nobody knows when my CPN will be back because she's sick. she wanted me to be under the crisis team anyway before she left because she thinks i'm at risk.

    i have tried so hard to let them know about myself, through the one worker i mentioned above. thing is, from my experience there are many people working in the team who do not give a flying fuck, take NO intiative and cannot differentiate different people, different problems, etc and what happens is, they aren't listening to what information is being passed on at their handover meetings.


    i know what you mean, i got admitted to hospital because i told the doctor the crisis team will send me OVER THE EDGE if i'm under their 'care' right now.

    this is only the second time i've called them as they always tell me to do..."call us any time you can't cope! we're here!". one time it was so horrific the prick got suspended and a LOT of disciplinary action, he no longer works there now. this time wasn't like before- he wasn't "sharp" but someone woolly-headed and half asleep who liked the sound of his own voice.


    i don't feel humiliated or angry i feel at a loss what will happen if i get to a stage where i have been in the past and i'm met with this bullshit with them again,

    i can only think the next step is to call A+E liasion, if after a few days i'm still where i am now and worse and about to act.

    the last time some woman was asking me while i was visibly agitated and distressed about trivialities like socialising while skirting 'round important things like SUICIDE and DEATH.....we ended up having a great 'argument' basically, me standing my ground while she couldn't take anything i was telling her. how i can defend, protect myself while being on a brink of an anxiety/agitation/suicide attempt is beyond me but i tend to always keep my cool, while these professionals get wound up with what i say.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2011
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    would it be easier if i didn't have whatever's happening , reaching out?
    it's so much more easier to die, or SI. whatever's happening is something which's grown over 3 years. people assume "i won't die", because of it.

    which is a huge mistake to think...the people who know me know this, the people who don't, talk out of their arse.

    i can see how people stop talking, curl in on themselves and waste away, believing whatever's around them, including their treatment team.

    sorry, it's not happening with me. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2011
  6. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this incompetency, at any time, but it's so much worse when you're feeling like this. I can't believe that anyone can be so useless as the guy you had to deal with, but it does happen all the time, and it's vulnerable people who have to deal with it.

    I'm so glad you're determined not to let them beat you. You're so much better than them, and you have a right to the help you deserve. Don't let them get away with treating you like this.

    I wish I knew what to suggest to ensure that you get the help you need while things are so bad, but I wouldn't know where to start I'm afraid. A+E liaison sounds like a good place to start, but I wouldn't know. I just hope that you do find someone who will listen properly and make the effort.

    Please stay strong, and please keep posting and letting us know how things are going. We're here for you.

    Mim
     
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thank you for your reply madam mim. your thoughts and words are always hugely appreciated because you say everything and i love reading your posts. :hug:

    i've been planning out how to get through the next few days without ringing them up, i know what to do, but if things get too much, i can only take so much medication before it's an accidental overdose. i doubt i'll do this though as i'm not one to pop pills- i usually start approaching local hospital team, like i did, which can be a gamble as to who i see and how well they are doing their job.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2011
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    The system needs a shake-up in many areas and it would be a great work opportunity if we went back to NHS overseeing things and not agencies who can hire anyone with a half decent forged qualification. Of course, perhaps your own health worker got caught up in some unavoidable leave of absence. It happens - but its frustrating when you end up with someone not suited to the calling that is mental health work.

    I'm lucky in many ways as I've never had to see anyone apart from my GP. In the UK you have something like 6 sessions but I'm sure I'd know more than whoever was talking to me anyway. Maybe I'd counsel them. Anyhow, I hope things go well for plates - hold on in there until you see your normal contact - and you obviously know this place is a Godsend or a life-saver, depending on your outlook. Either way, Good or God, its only the letter O which is the difference. And what that means I'm not sure of myself.
     
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Interesting you say that, the couple of people who I've had more problems than this one, were agency workers, and the head of the team (who is brilliant) wanted to distance herself with them.

    There are actually avenues where service users can give talks, I've been told I could do it, but generally I've been doing this one-to-one over the last 2 years, and yeah..the results were not encouraging.

    I was admitted to hospital which wasn't local recently and I spent most of the time when I was feeling well, talking to nurses why things were so much better there than where I was. The people working there were WONDERFUL in terms of engagement, I couldn't believe it! She said it was management and I believe her. The managers here do not give a toss. When I was admitted the managers were on the ward every day, talking to everyone, their office was on the ward, it was so much more transparent/open. And I could see he was passionate about how the place was run.

    Thanks for your reply and thoughts! I know exactly what you mean. I've been okay these 12 hours and this place helps loads when I'm like this. I think I'll be okay but this is exactly why people don't take me seriously, they think I'm just too strong all the time :tongue:
     
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  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I've come so far. Whatever happened, has passed (!) I'm feeling grounded, strong. No doubt, I'll go through it again but the way I'm managing is getting stronger each time..

    Anyway, I'm out of here. Thanks for your support and good luck to everyone who's helped. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2011
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i can't help but post this: :massbounce::dance::groupwave:

    i'm feeling on top of the world right now at how i dealt with everything :tongue: it's been over 24 hours and i'm stable, grounded and only needed 2mg and good music, food and sleep to manage.

    i learn more and more every time i go through these episodes, about myself, people's true (ugly, despicable) colours, and i'm so sure of myself- it's wonderful. i am wonderful. people who've supported me through this are wonderful and i have no trouble telling them over and over.

    i never believed processing/flashbacks helped one heal until, lets say where i am now. i feel fantastic! :smile:

    all the best.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2011
  12. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I'm so pleased for you. X
     
  13. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you feel better :), it's nice to know someone's feeling good tonight(well morning or what ever lol) :hug:
     
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thanks longroad95, fitzy. it's good to hear from you and i wish you all the best too :smile:
     
  15. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I'm so pleased that you're feeling so much better. You should be proud of yourself, and so should your CPN. I consider this to be a triumph over that idiot you got on the phone. It's also great that you've learnt something from it, and hopefully it'll help you in the future. I hope this fantastic feeling lasts, you deserve it.

    Mim
     
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