i've been living in a fog. if you've ever watched LOST in the final season Sayed says he doesnt feel anything anymore. i'm like that. i dont feel anything. i'm not sad when i cry, i'm not hapy when i laugh. i'm just here. i have been paying my due for the last three years. how could i not have seen all this coming is beyond me. i figure i've been living a literal 'god damned' life (if i were to actually believe in a god). i should have died before i was born, instead technology saved me and here i am with the understanding i shouldnt exist. i was engaged once, we got pregnant. everything changed between us. since the miscarriage all i've wanted to do was disappear. i left him and havent been able to move on although he did (moved in with his new gf 9months after our 7yr relationship). i've tried therapy, but it's like paying for pity and cookie-cutter anecdotes. im watching all my friends get married, or engaged and know that i'm never going to be happy again. my child would have been two and a half right now. i've attempted suicide but apparently couldnt do it. i'm not sure what i'm even doing on here. i know i'm just tired of going through life the way it has been and as soon as i've paid off my financial debt (dont want to leave family with something else to hate me for) i would like to bow out. for now, i live my life pretending to 'feel', suffering in silence. it's not the best answer, but it's the only one i can actually live with.