soundest sleep in a long time...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lalatoon, Apr 27, 2010.

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  1. lalatoon

    lalatoon New Member

    My reason for writing this is to get my thoughts out. I know that there isn’t a magic wand that can fix me or change my situation. There is always that slim chance of a last minute enlightenment. Besides, how can a stranger who doesn't know me, with very little personal information really provide an insight? Perhaps a form of this message will be found after my death. I haven’t decided that yet.

    Medications: Many combination of antidepressants, mood stabilizers and sedatives since 2003. My prescriptions were altered every 4-6 months because they had little effect or worse side effects. Taking a pill to wake up and another to sleep isn’t a way to live. Haven’t taken any medications since December.

    Hospitalization: 4 times since 2004.

    Out-patient treatment programs: 4 since 2004.

    Therapy: 3 therapists with many other intermediaries.

    Jobs: 3 in 3 different cities. Took sick leave from all of them. Terminated by 2. I am a professional engineer with a graduate degree. I am intelligent and passionate about my work, just unable to function in a workplace, or life, apparently.

    I have started over in a few different places with the same results. Moved closer to family to help things. Outside of formal treatment, I have researched and carried out every possible action recommended exploring different alternatives. I have been diligent with my treatment until recently. All with the same results.

    Been off work since August. Can’t find new work, even at a coffee shop. Been told by my past two employers that I am not reliable and can’t handle responsibility which is true. My last good work reference is from 10 years ago. My last boss told me that I should consider welfare which, of course, isn’t reassuring. I have no income. No home. No friends. Family is tired of me. I know they are frustrated. We are all disappointed.

    I have a gallbladder and bile duct surgery in 3 weeks – the pain over the last few months hasn’t helped my efforts. Yet, I have no hope that surgery or any other intervention will change things.

    I know the odds of recovery in my case: Not responding to drugs, one previous suicide attempt, duration of depression, no close friends. Suicidal thoughts have been pervasive throughout my life. At 35 now, I am not surprised at my situation. I honestly never saw myself living to 40 and always had a hard time planning for the future as a result). Even if I am hospitalized again, I know what the doctors want to hear and will be able to get out anyway. Why waste everyone’s time? Why recount in detail all the trial of my life to yet another person when it will just add a futile chapter to my existence.

    I haven’t spoken to my therapist in a couple of months. I do not wish to bother him since I have made this decision. At our last session, I was optimistic and relatively content with my prospects. I guess that I wasn’t realistic enough with myself. Besides, he’s in another city and I know that he won’t have any magic words for me. No need to cause any distress with him. I respect his privacy.

    Having made my decision, I travelled to visit my hometown on the weekend. I was worried and agitated and weepy while also dealing with abdominal pain. Was sad to say goodbye to my brother and his family and the birth-mom and half sister. Had a blow put with my dad just before I left…I have never snapped like that before. The rage I feel inside turned inside out. I do regret my last words to him.

    Back at my mum’s now. She probably won’t hear from my dad about the fight for awhile, if at all.

    Had such a sound sleep last night for the first time in a long time. That knotted feeling in my stomach is gone. I am clear headed and alert.

    My plan is to make it look like an accident. My family may be suspicious but at least they will be spared the stigma. If I am unable to carry out this plan, I know I am able to conduct a more violent suicide immediately. I know the rush of adrenaline can push me forth. I've gotten so close before with less conviction.

    Feelings are temporary. I know that. It’s my thinking and existence that needs to stop. Thinking that I am bound for great things. That I have potential. That I am valuable. I still end up repeating the same patterns always taking down the people around me. I have to think differently. Be objective. Be real. Living in my head is no life. Not being is the answer.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WRONG again being is the answer and working on getting well is the answer and getting a new doctor and therapist is the answer get help don't screw up the rest of your families lives by taking yours think of them
  3. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    Mood is me I know.Please get help(I know you have had it before)but you REALLY need it now.

    Sending some *hugs* from somebody who knows where you're coming from.

  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    The power is in the resolution, not the intended there another resolution that you can make (e.g. teach a class in your field; be a mentor to a younger engineer) that will not be a full time commitment and will get you back into the work force? Can you change your mind about worrying about the future and focus on now? Find a group, start a group, doing something that has worth in your eyes? I hope you find comfort and support here at SF and know there are so many of us who have walked away from the edge...please PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs, J
  5. Holi

    Holi New Member

    Dear Lalatoon, the message that you left was incredibly sad, I'm sorry that you are suffering. You've obviously been through so much pain and it sounds like its been an uphill struggle grappling with all these negative feelings that seem to be out of you're control. Your clearly very intelligent too so it must add to your woes and be very frustrating not being able to find a job. Its almost like a double edged sword though, having a job when your feeling so low. It can be a good distraction from all the negative feelings and emotions but at the same when your feeling so low its hard to function and do anything effectively or to the best of you're ability. It sounded quite insensitive of your boss to suggest welfare, not very helpful at all. I understand a little bit of how you are feeling. I'm a postgraduate, similar age, don't have a job, no friends (turned into a bit of a recluse), no money, infact i'm in lots of debt. Life isn't easy but I'm trapped, too cowardly to end things. I get by doing voluntary work for the time being - its not for everyone I guess. I was just wondering if there was anything that would help you get by? Are there any reasons to keep going?
  6. bono

    bono Well-Known Member

    Its incredibly selfish to visit family and friends before commiting suicide. The guilt they will feel when they look back, 'thinking they should have know and helped". People should be distancing themselves to cause shock, so family can use the justication that 'there's no way they could have knowing".

    You wrote a short story about your life, but included nothing of important. You should be talking the underlying problems that are making you unhappy. So what if your a graduate engineer. If you can't handle the occupation stress you should be doing something else. My guess is you can't leave engineering because you feel you need it to attract a girl. Its almost always about girls...So write down whats really bother you.
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