My reason for writing this is to get my thoughts out. I know that there isn’t a magic wand that can fix me or change my situation. There is always that slim chance of a last minute enlightenment. Besides, how can a stranger who doesn't know me, with very little personal information really provide an insight? Perhaps a form of this message will be found after my death. I haven’t decided that yet. Medications: Many combination of antidepressants, mood stabilizers and sedatives since 2003. My prescriptions were altered every 4-6 months because they had little effect or worse side effects. Taking a pill to wake up and another to sleep isn’t a way to live. Haven’t taken any medications since December. Hospitalization: 4 times since 2004. Out-patient treatment programs: 4 since 2004. Therapy: 3 therapists with many other intermediaries. Jobs: 3 in 3 different cities. Took sick leave from all of them. Terminated by 2. I am a professional engineer with a graduate degree. I am intelligent and passionate about my work, just unable to function in a workplace, or life, apparently. I have started over in a few different places with the same results. Moved closer to family to help things. Outside of formal treatment, I have researched and carried out every possible action recommended exploring different alternatives. I have been diligent with my treatment until recently. All with the same results. Been off work since August. Can’t find new work, even at a coffee shop. Been told by my past two employers that I am not reliable and can’t handle responsibility which is true. My last good work reference is from 10 years ago. My last boss told me that I should consider welfare which, of course, isn’t reassuring. I have no income. No home. No friends. Family is tired of me. I know they are frustrated. We are all disappointed. I have a gallbladder and bile duct surgery in 3 weeks – the pain over the last few months hasn’t helped my efforts. Yet, I have no hope that surgery or any other intervention will change things. I know the odds of recovery in my case: Not responding to drugs, one previous suicide attempt, duration of depression, no close friends. Suicidal thoughts have been pervasive throughout my life. At 35 now, I am not surprised at my situation. I honestly never saw myself living to 40 and always had a hard time planning for the future as a result). Even if I am hospitalized again, I know what the doctors want to hear and will be able to get out anyway. Why waste everyone’s time? Why recount in detail all the trial of my life to yet another person when it will just add a futile chapter to my existence. I haven’t spoken to my therapist in a couple of months. I do not wish to bother him since I have made this decision. At our last session, I was optimistic and relatively content with my prospects. I guess that I wasn’t realistic enough with myself. Besides, he’s in another city and I know that he won’t have any magic words for me. No need to cause any distress with him. I respect his privacy. Having made my decision, I travelled to visit my hometown on the weekend. I was worried and agitated and weepy while also dealing with abdominal pain. Was sad to say goodbye to my brother and his family and the birth-mom and half sister. Had a blow put with my dad just before I left…I have never snapped like that before. The rage I feel inside turned inside out. I do regret my last words to him. Back at my mum’s now. She probably won’t hear from my dad about the fight for awhile, if at all. Had such a sound sleep last night for the first time in a long time. That knotted feeling in my stomach is gone. I am clear headed and alert. My plan is to make it look like an accident. My family may be suspicious but at least they will be spared the stigma. If I am unable to carry out this plan, I know I am able to conduct a more violent suicide immediately. I know the rush of adrenaline can push me forth. I've gotten so close before with less conviction. Feelings are temporary. I know that. It’s my thinking and existence that needs to stop. Thinking that I am bound for great things. That I have potential. That I am valuable. I still end up repeating the same patterns always taking down the people around me. I have to think differently. Be objective. Be real. Living in my head is no life. Not being is the answer.