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Sparkling brilliantly..

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Staff Alumni
You know when people ask you what you like to do, and you really have to dig deep and avoid saying SF if you would like to keep it a secret?

Well, most of us know what it's like to feel suicidal and helpless.. it's a terrible feeling, something that I think one has to experience in order to realize the magnitude of pain it leads to. What some people in real life fail to realize, IMHO, is that there is a certain amount of rational thought that goes into suicidal feelings. It's not like we are thinking 100% irrationally. We're just people who have a part of us that doesn't want to live. Even then, months without serious suicidality can really give me a false sense of "hey, being suicidal doesn't feel that bad... Yeah, yeah, I can relate to how you're feeling.."

While I know how many want to move on, I feel like the sense of knowing what exactly it's like to feel suicidal can sort of erode.. if that's not too strong of a word. And I think that's where documenting our thoughts really keeps history alive and speaking. Without a doubt, it's painful for me to look back at my old posts on here. Every once in a while, another member will come ask me if he or she can delete old posts of his or hers.

With that said, this post is a reminder of what you feel about being suicidal at this moment in time, Alex. Nothing will change that.

Helpless, desperate, and throwing the blame upon yourself.

Those are the three words/phrases that describe my thoughts for today. Oh, and need I not forget that SF sparkles brilliantly. It's simple, it's no $$ moneymaker, and I love it just the same. At the end of the day, it's potentially a life changer and life saver for some. Those may be strong words, but I think that makes the point even clearer. So thanks.

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the sense of knowing what exactly it's like to feel suicidal can sort of erode..
You've captured the thought I've been pondering lately; as I am feeling hopeful, I loose touch with how truly wretched I was when I first came to SF. I know it is a function of the human brain, to protect one from things that are painful to recall, but I am remain grateful to the SF community for being there when I was (almost) ready to stop living.

Blessings on us all.


Well-Known Member
I would not use the term erode but not because it is too strong, for me it is like there are two different <<me's>>. One is the normal, sometimes struggling, Jeroen who does not want to die but wants to do something with his life and on the other hand there is the "broken Jeroen" as I sometimes call him. We know each other like we know best friends we've had for years but we don't know each other like we know ourselves. If I'm not suicidal I cannot possibly say that I know how it is to be suicidal, I can only make an educated guess.

But I'm afraid I am making this post too much about me while it should be about you Alex. I'm sorry that you feel the way you do and I wish you the best, I'm grateful for the things you said to me when I was feeling down. Take care.
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