Special Kind of screw up.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Shifter, May 24, 2015.

  1. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    I joined when I was a teenager and was depressed then, shit happened, and now I am back at square one despite having what many would consider be lucky.

    Before I start the sob fest here is some personal info.
    I am 22, male, white, still live with parents, unemployed, didn't finish high school, no idea what my sexual orientation is(i like girls and have pleasured my self to males sometimes.), in a relationship, regularly attending therapy, overweight, and I can't fucking take it any more. . .

    I must be the worst of the worst. I typically lie to my girl and my parents when they ask me how I feel. High school was so traumatic that if I didn't meet my girl it would probably ended with me taking my life in their toilet room or I would have ptsd. I am a special kind of loser. I didn't finish HS for 2 reasons: 1 to save my miserable life, and 2 to keep me out of debt. I want to further my education but my mind is so lethargic I am just the epitome of pathetic these days. I have a girl, I want to marry her(and i HATE the idea of marriage. Seriously, women get everything in divorce except your soul and genitals. I am weak and any woman could easily exploit my doormat demeanor regardless of malevolent intent or not. I heard so many stories of guys getting screwed out of custody and possessions because of divorce and I didn't want that shit for myself. Yet I meet this girl in highschool of all places, and despite my fears, I am perfectly okay with spending the rest of my life with her.) and to be honest? I gave up on love entering HS. Got teachers saying i'm brilliant but lazy, I don't buy that shit for 1 second, I am an educated moron and nothing is going to change that. My work on school was passable, but my circle of friends was shoddy. Then I meet this girl who I love, or lust, either way I never felt this way about a person before. I would go to the library on lunch break because cafeteria food sucks. I sit next to her, before we are acquainted. She looks at my screen and what does she see me doing? I made a shitty kick animation with pivot and she asked me how I made a moving picture. So we get to talking, and being the desperate shit I am I talk as long she shows interest, and crave more friends regardless of gender. What happened? We had alot in common while being radically different. I tend to be a big cynical stoic who has a drone-esque voice. She is a small charming warm girl who has this aura of unparalleled energy and whimsy. Her smile is something I needed to see, often. Those chocolate eyes and glasses. . . compliment that smile of hers. We continue talking, then within a few weeks we are best friends and greet each other with hugs. Then before I know whats going on she sits on my lap and we sit alone at a table in the cafeteria, usually undisturbed. Her hugs become the reason I stomach that shit hole, and seeing her smile makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Then one day, she looks depressed, it's after school and she has a lollipop in her mouth. . . I couldn't bare to see her like this, so I walk up to her and I asked her in the gentlest tone i could "Could you take the lollipop out of your mouth?" She obeyed. And then I kissed her, and it's one of my fondest memories. In all this time with her? I was always honest, I never lied to her. And sometimes after that kiss, my honesty would make her cry, but she respected me alot for it. And after that kiss, it was official, we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

    My past experiences with girls before this point? I had just one in 8th grade that lasted 4 months. I was a petulant little shit and got dumped, it hurt the first 10 minutes, but I learned everything I can from that experience because I knew I was a loser who would not get to do this often or even regularly. I totally deserved the breakup, I was terrible. And that also crushed my hope of relationships in the future because, well society instilled shit on me. Absolute garbage, and I ate that shit with a silver spoon.

    So I was falling behind in Highschool because I wasn't focused on the work, I was trying to spend every second I could with her. She was the reason I could stomach that shit hole. I attended for 4 years. didn't make it to senior either. And you know what happened my third year? It was a hot day, Me and my girl were watching Samurai Jack episodes I dumped on my thumbstick in the library, the bell rang but we just sat there until the episode finished. We were like 5 minutes late or some shit. Okay so let me step back a bit. Every day I was late to school. The lines to get in were long and I sure as hell wasn't gonna go to bed early and show up before the normal crowd does. That would not only gut my precious free time after school but it would also mean more time in that shit hole. Both are bad enough on their own but together? I just couldn't take it. And father let me, he understood well. He's a good man, it hurts having to lie to him and mom. But I do it to spare their feelings. They have enough to deal with without my moodswings causing undo stress and shit has happened but more on that later. So with me attending school late, everyday, I got put on an assistant principal's shitlist. For whatever reason, she took special interest in me. It could be my massive ego talking, and I think I have quite an ego problem but others say I don't. . . This bitch, and she is so damn ruthless, always gave me a hard time about getting to classes on time and arriving. She would typically yell "get to class" on a megaphone and took her job too seriously. Handing out detentions and having her nose so high in the air that clouds block her nostrils. This bitch didn't have a man and every student knew why, but she seemed eerily interested in making our lives hell. She would even hand detentions to boy/girl couples holding hands. And don't get me started on what she would do if she caught two students kissing. >_> I hate her and she made my life hell and I wanted revenge on her and never got it, though if I can marry my girl and have a happy life(like that's going to happen) then i hear that THAT is the best revenge. One time I was hugging my girl and she shoved my ass into the lockers and then knelt down and asked my girl if I was strangling her. THAT FUCKING BITCH. Now back to the library and the hot day. This bitch, and she was a thorn in my balls for every year and this was year 3, she was insulting us, mostly my girl. I couldn't take it, something in me snapped and I walked right up in her grill and started yelling at her at the top of my lungs. I don't yell pretty much ever, but this was a special occasion. I don't remember what happened after I snapped, but I do remember what my girl thought of me defending her honor and what happened at the end of that day. My girl told me, she was really turned on seeing me yell and having all those veins and blush in plain view. Something about my voice was extra sexy to her and she loved it. She also hates this bitch and even tried to convince her to go easier on me and her and her friends. She tried reasoning with this bitch, and told her about how I was abused and shit. The bitch didn't care and even used some of my patheticness as ammo. But what happened to me that day? I was forcibly escorted out of school by 2 cops and thrown in the back of a patty wagon. and what I did in the wagon was not sexy at all. I cried, like the bitch I am, I cried and the tears couldn't stop no matter how many times I wiped my face or tried to think of my girl. I fucking cried hard. Now because I didn't end up in jail I can assume I didn't hit her, but it's all very fuzzy to me. However I was taken to a mental health hospital for examination. They were somehow convinced I was a threat to society and locked me up and studied me. I was there for a few weeks before release. Now before this year I admitted to my parents that I wanted to kill myself, and I was hospitalized for that nonsense, met a nice and caring doctor who saw me for what i was and let me out and he became my primary mental health doctor. But after yelling at that bitch and defending my girl's honor? I got placed in a different doctor's care. He looked like Col Autumn from fallout 3(the game's primary antagonist) and he was a huge dick. I demanded to see my parents and said this was cruel and unusual, he tore me a new one verbally. I was in his care for 4 days and couldn't get good sleep, I refused to talk in their groups, and he made me cry on the last day I was in his care. I told my parents I wanted to kill myself in that hospital and how cruel and uncaring this doctor was(he called me a complete monster and a threat to society. It was devastating) and my parents got me transferred to the good doctor's hospital. I was released in a few days after the transfer. But I felt robbed, that bitch who took special interest in me, robbed me of nearly 2 weeks of summer. And yet I returned for a 4th year. Now this time I knew I was too far behind to graduate with my girl(who was a year below me) so after a month I dropped out to save my life and avoid debt. My girl cried, my life was stretched out even more, and my parents let me and my little brother dropout at the same time. My parents are very good people, I hope I am not painting them in a bad light, they are wonderful people and I love them with all my heart. . .

    What happened after I dropped out? I was HAPPY. No thoughts about death, no wanting to end my life, I could do anything, I had a future, I was competent. this high only lasted 2 years. but something happened right as not finishing school was hitting me. I developed catatonic schizophrenia and my parents were freaked out. Prior to this, I was sometimes taking hits of pot, I am not gonna say who, but I do trust him. And then my parents took me to the good doctor they met and he realized my condition and put me through a fuck ton of meds until something worked. I made a full recovery, but just because it happened, I been really hard on myself. I am a pill popper now, I need medication to keep my mind in 1 piece and I can't drink or do drugs to cope with all this pain I feel.

    What's the deal with my girl? well we could hardly never see eachother. I do nothing so my schedule is open, but she works and is in debt, so she can only spare off days to spend 40 minutes at my house cuddling. not an hour, not multiple hours, forty fucking minutes. and I can't even get that on a consistent basis. I love/lust her to death. We both professed our love for eachother multiple times and have very few traits of an abusive relationship(i looked up the signs and we only have like 1 or 2 which means our ship isn't healthy. . . ) but our ship was built on brutal honesty and mutual respect and compassion. When she came over to my house(and my room is the only place this can happen) we would disrobe in front of each other and it felt right. Like stripping in the lockerroom at school felt uncomfortable and awkward, but I didn't feel the slightest hint of shame or awkwardness when I took off my clothes for her. We would make out and cuddle in underwear or sometimes nude. Never had sex though unless you count oral, I don't though. She also gladly poses for me to take pics of her underwear(and i do love panties alot.) And everytime I would discuss my kinks with her, she always accepted them and thought they were cute. She loves me despite the cellulite and stretch marks. Despite all the personal attacks on myself, and the negative views, she never gave up on me. And she is not turned off by my baggage and quirks. I love her because she isn't the typical girl. She has a level head and i love that alot. She also is very upbeat and pleasant to be around. Truth be told I preferred her company to my other friends in school. She has baggage of her own, and she has it worse than me.

    My girl has lots of little brothers and sisters, they just barely got out of diapers and there is a new one on the way now(which was very alarming to hear about.) She also has a complete monster for a stepdad. This bastard beats her mom, gets drunk, and hoards his money instead of spending it on their poor family. My girl's mom keeps forgiving him and to make matters worse, the stepdad's mom is the landlord of their house. Well I wouldn't call that a house, its a basement(i seen it, ITS A BASEMENT) The step dad is not in jail, or even being hunted by the cops, he does crack or something and from what I hear, the Mexican cartel is angry at him for not paying up or something. Hes on probation but hes doing drugs and drinking, and not dying from all this. My girl is in serious debt trying to follow her dream of being a graphic designer/animator and can't attend college anymore. . . she has a shitty computer that can just barely run the programs she learned to use, she is way better at digital painting than me. She is adept, and I barely have a style. . .

    So I barely get to see her, we never go on dates, or see movies or even eat together. She trusts me alot because we chat in my room naked and there is no pressure(I do have restrain, my only redeeming quality. Well others see good in me but I seem unable to spot it.), and I trust her alot too. She doesn't know how much money i have saved up, and she doesn't know I been to Disney world. As a child I wanted to see disney world before I was 18, and when i was 17 and 3/4 my grandma took me there. I wanted to ask my girl to come with me, but with her situation, I knew she couldn't so i didn't even let her know I was going at all. And I live reasonably far from florida and didn't fly there, it was a hellish car ride to the place and it almost drove me and my little brother insane.

    My mind and heart like to take turns torturing me. I can hardly never see my girl. I can't even live up to the pitiful standards of my generation. I fail on every level of manhood. I have a girl who loves me and I "love" her and still can't be happy. My parents let me do whatever I want within reason. I spend nearly all my time on the internet. Therapy isn't working. Relationship isn't working. I feel trapped, failed, and naked no matter how many layers I wear. I have it great, this should be the best time of my fucking life. And yet, I attack myself on every and any opening. I am unable to experience true happiness. Every time I can cuddle with my girl, I feel like my fears and lies melt away. Sometimes even that doesn't work because she complains about her stepdad. It's not that she isn't justified in doing so, or that I am sick of her bringing it up or anything. BUT when she is in MY room, its time to HEAL not HURT. and When she complains, i think she is hurting and feel like a failure who cannot even service his love properly. It just fucking hurts knowing she focuses on that prick even when I try to help her and make her feel the way I do when I am in her presence.

    I have no future. My "skills" are moot. This ship is going nowhere. Never had sex. Have trouble growing a beard. Fail as a man. powerless. helpless. hopeless. pill popping. I don't even have to physically die to be gone forever, my mind is perfectly capable of destroying itself for good once I reach old age. And I can pass this onto children >_>

    Why shouldn't I kill myself and end my pitiful existence? I HATE being ruled by others. I don't vote. I won't serve my country. I hate people yet desire their approval so fierce. where it up to me I would turn all social needs off and be blue skinned and live on a planet unmolested by this parasitical virus known as the human race.

    Oh and get this. recently my dad lost his father. And my girl said she would be single the rest of her life if anything happened to me. I can't in good conscience put either of them or mom through that. But I am a waste, I can't even live up to the pitiful loser standards of my generation. I am shit at everything except pleasuring myself and even that is losing feeling and impact now. . . I can't fucking take it. My heart and mind are too adept at convincing me my existence is moot and without meaning or purpose.

    All I do is suck up resources and contribute nothing to society. I want to write a book about a boy who stops WW5 from happening(alt planet with human race) but I am a shit writer and my skills aren't professionally competitive. . . The government sends me money because I am "disabled" I have a girl but can't get what I promised out of the ship. I love her, and want to see her happy, and even grow old with her. . . but media overhyped relationships and I feel like I am doing it wrong even though I tried to learn everything from 1 previous experience.

    I have a family who loves me, I have good online friends, a girl who loves me, and all the time i could ever need to myself. I waste ungodly amounts of time now and I can't get anything done, and I am going no where and I just want the pain to go away. I wanna join my grandpa so badly. I am sick of life. I detest it. Yet I have it so good, I should be sunshine and farts, not depressed and in agony. I lie to my girl and parents because I don't want to burden them with something as benign and trivial as my true feelings. Nobody cares. What I want doesn't matter. I am a walking punchline and the universe loves to drill that in my head on a daily basis. My pride hurts everyday and I have these random pains that make me feel old and I hate myself and what I've done. I don't deserve to be happy, I am unable to do good. I really should just die and stop sucking up valuable resources for this debased licentious degenerate prudish petulant nagger narcissistic virus known as the human race. The only good I could do is die anyway. Many signs have made this truth painfully obvious to me. I hate everyone that isn't blood or my girl and they hate me and have made me the miserable petulant shit I am now.

    almost everything i ever heard was a lie. Land of the free? whoever said that IS my enemy. following my dreams is plausible? Getting a girl? Life is good? Life is worth it? I can be what i want? love my profession? finish school? write a book? master martial arts? all lies. lies lies lies. There is nothing for me. . . as soon as my girl gets sick of me, and my dad dies, then I can finally end it. . . but until then I am contractually obligated to exist in torment and suffer no matter what I get. Fuck my life. fuck life. and fuck people. what am i even doing? I just vented and now I painted myself as a sexist, narcissistic, pervert who is pretentious and can't be happy no matter how good i have it. Fucking brilliant. like I been told I am. All lies. life is a lie. humanity is a lie. freedom is a lie. choice is a lie.

    Fuck everything.