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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CamillaR, Sep 21, 2009.

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  1. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    I've been sitting here for hours now, staring at a knife. I've been planning this day for months and now I am no longer sure. I am sure, that I want to die. I want it to end, I dont wanna stay here any longer, but my lack of strength has reduced me to thinking there might be another way. And therefore I am unsure. So here I am. I dont know what to say and I dont know why I'm here. All I know is, that I am so close to ending it all - And I so wish you guys could help me. You're my last hope.
  2. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    First of all, welcome to SF.

    I too was at the literal end of a rope at one point not that long ago.

    First thing, we have to do, is get you some help.

    Here's what I would like you to do;

    First read this blurb I posted sometime ago.

    And so it is that we find ourselves in this terrible mental dispair. Not knowing what to do, except for the obvious, not wanting to live, maybe not wanting to die, but definately wanting the pain to end.

    I am a full believer in better living thru chemicals. Now I know that a lot of you have either been on or are currently on meds to help get your mind straight.

    These meds are powerful stuff and sometimes they require an adjustment.

    Perhaps you have never taken meds before or sought out help.


    Help is there, just waiting for you, if you will only let help in!!!!!

    How to get help?

    Well it all depends on what level of severity your illness has progressed.

    Maybe it's enough to talk to a minister or rabbi.
    However if you are actively suicidal then you need IMMEDIATE HELP!!!!

    Here's how to get that help;

    Go to the local hospital er, or...if you can't make it down there, call 911. IN EITHER CASE, YOU NEED TO TELL THEM YOU ARE ACUTELY SUICIDAL. You need to use the word ACUTELY. That will let them know you are serious.

    Screw it. Dont have health insurance, screw it. Worried about the cost of the ride in the ambulance, screw it.
    Don't want to spend a week in the pysch ward? SCREW IT. Already been to treatment or the Psych ward? SCREW IT, Go back, again and again and again...as many times as it takes!

    WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE HERE. And not just your life, but the lives of all of those you will damage if you die. Your friends, your family, your coworkers.

    Damn it people, there is help out there, grab it, take it, run with it.

    Now, call 911 or go to the hospital, fire department, police station, wherever.
    Get help this moment. Don't delay.

    And then....when you are back in the world, give us an update on your progress.
  3. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    I did the wise thing last time I was in this situation. It has happened once before. I called 112 (same as 911 here) and she told me to get off the line for more important calls. So I did. And I slit my wrists, I swallowed some pills and a friend of mine decided to come visit me, without telling me first. That "saved" me. I went to the hospital, where I stayed for three days. The nurse told me I could go home. I asked who I should contact if I needed help. She told me to go talk to my own doctor. He told me which shrink to go to. My health care does not cover that and my fairly rich parents refused to pay. I was 15, it is a year and a half ago.
    I am sorry for not listening, but I have a hard time believing in the danish government and health care system and I had hoped for something else.

    I hope you understand my horrible english.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your English isn't horrible. Why do you want to die, what's wrong? Please keep posting here, keep talking to us.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Go back to emergency dept and make them listen this time better yet call the ambulance and tell them you are going to kill yourself. callt he police they will take you to hospital make them listen until you get help you need you deserve Please you are way too young to give up yet please talk to us we care we will give you support throw away your knive get rid of it and just talk to us please
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Call them as many times as it takes. Tell them you have the knife in front of you. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

    I'm praying for you. When you get home from treatment, post here to keep us posted, and we'll be with you every step of the way.
  7. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    Everyday I have to hear from my parents how worhtless I am. They tell me I'm stupid and that I cant do anything. That I should act a little more like my siblings.
    I am going to a school, that I hate and there is nothing I can do about it.
    Every night I suffer from nightmares. Nightmares that every night reminds me of when I was fourteen. When I was beaten, tied up and left there for hours in a forest. Untill offcourse they came back. And raped me. Two guys.
    I have lost one of the few people, I have truely loved to suicide and I am completely lost without him.

    To you all; Thank you.
  8. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Keep coming back here so you can find others you can trust, so you can know that you are worth life. Life changes. Sometimes quickly, most of the time slowly. When you're grown and go out on your own, you'll have a new freedom to experience more changes in life. Even then, everyone needs the support of others and you'll find it here. Bad things happen to good people and you've experienced an extreme. Most people do not know what to say and that's hard when you are stuck in the loneliness of that pain. Please keep coming back and let us help you.
  9. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    That sounds....really fucked up. And I'm really, really sorry for you.

    I'd like tell you that it will get better, but I honestly don't know, and if it does it sounds like it'll only be when you get away from your parents. I'd like to tell you that the nightmares will stop, but I honestly don't know. But I can tell you some things.

    I can tell you that you're not worthless. I can tell you that you're strong. And I would be right in doing so. Whatever your parents say, whatever the people at your school say, you are strong. You are worth something. If I got my maths right, you've gone what, 2 years after being raped with little to no help? With your very family rejecting you? Geez, I don't know if I could do that.

    Do your parents know what you've been through? Does any of your family? Maybe you wanna tell them. Could clear things up in their minds a bit.

    Keep talking to us mate, we're here for you.

    I'll leave you with some All American Rejects:

    "And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it through."
  10. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    First of all; thank you. Both of you. Though I dont know you, it means alot to recieve messages like that.

    Thank you. Again. I think you're right in the fact, that I need to get away from my parents in order to get better. Sadly I need to be 18 to do that. I am convinced I can not last that long. A little over a year.

    There are four people, who knows. My mother, who told me to stop whining. So I did. My aunt, who talked to me once in a while. She then moved to Turkey. My best friend, who I cant talk to about it, because she is so sensitive and caring, she can barely think about it without crying. And last, my friend, who I could talk to about it. She then went to australia. She'll be back in 11 months.

    (I know this is a very not serious thing to say, I'm going to say it anyway; Omg, my iPod just shuffled to that song, when I was reading your message! o; )
  11. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    My iPod does that kinda thing a lot.

    I reckon you CAN last that long. I'm not saying it'll be easy. But I think you can. Just take things weeks or days at a time, and keep going. Set a goal, and keep it in mind. When things are really bad, just keep thinking "just another day".

    To leave you with a Good Charlotte line:

    "like soldiers, march on. If we can make it through tonight, we'll see the sun"

    my thoughts are with ya :)
  12. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    I'm sorry, but I dont think you're right.. This page is my very last hope.
  13. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    yes, we are here for each other. there must be another way, don't do anything to hurt yourself. you can pm anyone on this website or go to the chatroom link on the top right corner.
  14. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    I agree, keep talking to us. Anyone here will be happy to talk. You can chuck me a pm any time (or add bunniesandsheep@hotmail.com, tell me off you add me).

    That you have a hope at all I find encouraging. That's somewhere to start, is it not?
  15. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    I added you. But I am not sure my msn is working properly at the moment. Thank you, but I am close to being out of words.

    But if the hope is this? A webside filled with people, I do not know. I actually found this page after watching the news, where they adviced people to not join pages like this. I think I am very desperate.
  16. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    Erk, didn't seem to work :(. Pm me your msn, I'll see if I can add you.

    I don't see anything wrong with this place, personally. This is a pro-life forum. People who care, and who want to help you. Sometimes, that can help. I know it helped me.
  17. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    Well, I think you're right. And well, lets face it; danish television sucks, truth is not at all necessary and they were probably wrong. But I am glad they did it though. This giving me another chance in some way.
  18. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    Hopefully it will :)

    do you still have the knife near you? Is there any way you can get rid of it? Saftely, of course.

    I added you :)
  19. jackiehall

    jackiehall Member

    Dear Iwannabetreo

    Firstly, I am so sorry for all of the terrible things that have happened to you. No one should have to go through that kind of trauma and you are such an incredibly strong and inspirational person to still be here.

    Secondly, there mere fact that you are here, on this site, looking for help tells me that you are not ready to die yet, that there is a little glimmer of hope in your mind for a different kind of life.

    When you feel suicidal, the thoughts in your head have taken over and consumed you, continually reminding you of past events that you have experienced. As well as this, you have been wrongly convinced that you are worth-less by the people around you that you are meant to trust, and this is just not true. When we begin to believe the labels that are put on us, our mind continues to look for more proof of this being true, so your mind looks for ways to prove that you are more worth-less. But this is not who you are.

    This may sound a little strange, but take some quiet time for a minute and start observing what you are thinking. Your mind has convinced you that what you are saying is what is reality, however it is just thoughts and it is these thoughts that are creating how you feel right now. Just for about 10 minutes, become curious about your thoughts and right down what you are saying to yourself. What is the internal conversation that you are having with yourself? It is this conversation that is causing the suicidal feelings, not reality.

    Now that you have started to do this, its time to shift gears. Now think about all of the things that you would like to achieve as an adult? What would you like to be when you get older? would you like to get to 21 and be able to go out with your mates for some fun? Would you like to get married one day and have a family? Would you like to be able to use these terrible experiences that have happened to you and become an inspiration, mentor or supporter for others in the same situation? What sort of car would you like to own when you get older? What places might you like to travel to when you have your own money and your own freedom? What do you want your life to look like? Now take 20 minutes to sit down and write as much as you can about what you want from your long life. Whenever you notice those nasty thoughts creeping back in, like "I can't, or I'm not worthy of it', just gently put your attention back on what you want and keep going.

    When you have done this, how do you feel? The feeling is different isn't it. That is because you have changed where you have put your attention. What you think about is creating the feeling inside you. There is absolutely no denying that your situation is undesirable to say the least, however no one can take away from you that which you are thinking. No one can take away the power you have to control your mind, thus control how you feel.

    At least 100 times a day, I want you to tell yourself, I am worthy because I exist and because of all the things that I am going to accomplish as I get older. Hold those visions of what exciting things lay ahead and keep bringing those into your mind whenever you catch those painful thoughts coming in your head.

    At the same time, you need to get some help and support to help you to continue to change this mindset. Your mind has been poisoned to believe that you are worthless and all of the events that you have experienced probably seem like they are proof of this. But this is so not true. You seem strong and intelligent, yet you've been pushed to the edge. Sometimes it is when all hope is lost, that your life begins to make sense. Consider this for a moment - what if you have been put on this earth to experience all that you have, in order to learn how to rebuild your self-worth and make a life for yourself and be a pioneer for others in the same situation. How do you think you would feel, being able to use this experience to help others, just like some people are on this website. What if you could go on in life to make a change in the world so that others dont have to experience situations like yours? Some of the most inspirational and influential people in the world have come from traumatic childhoods - eg Oprah Winfrey was sexually abused as a child and is now the richest female in the world. If you started to search throughout history (another way to inspire you and shift your mindset) you will find thousands of stories of troubled people experiencing very rough times and coming through to be incredible people living inspirational lives.

    This can be you. You are that incredible and you are that important to the world. It is because of you and how strong a soul you are and because of what you have endured that makes you an important part of changing the way the world is. Now, absolutely you have the choice to give up that hope and take your life, or you can decide that you aren't going to let this happen to you, that you are not going to go through all of this and let them defeat you, but to stand up, dust yourself off and fight for your life and for other people's lives. Learn how to change what you have been conditioned to believe and find the real you, the beautiful you that came into this world as an innocent child before you were poisoned with other people's nastiness and viciousness that have come from their childhood.

    Sweetheart, you are that beautiful precious person that came into this world 15 years ago, and I want you to understand that you have been lied to and taught to believe that you are not worthwhile, but you are worthwhile and you are important. Please don't lose hope. Can you find a teacher to talk to, a counsellor, a youth worker - someone who can help to remove you from your current situation or at least support you with a truthful view about life. There are many people in the world that are very passionate about their work and can help, support, guide you through this time and teach you how to handle these situations. Start looking and asking and you will find the person that you need. In the meantime, 1. Begin to notice your thoughts that are creating the feelings of suicide and recognise that these are not real, they are only the product of past experiences and nasty indoctrinations - YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT WHO YOU ARE! 2. Keep strongin your mind all of the visions of all the exciting things that you want to do and see in your life and hold onto those thoughts every time you are thinking badly about yourself and your life 3. Find your self some positive support and people that will help you to change that which you have been taught to believe and surround yourself with positive people and inspirational role models that give you hope (eg stories of people from history).

    4. Throw away that knife honey, because you don't need it anymore. You are a hero waiting to arise from this nastiness and step back into the inspirational and beautiful human being that you are.

    I know that somewhere inside of you knows what I am saying and is ready to walk back up the road to where life is and start taking some control over how YOU want your life to be. And when you do that, you will miraculously come across all of the help that you need at just the right time. How do I know that? Because you and I were on this page at the same time, so that I could convey this message to you. This is only the beginning for you, not the end.

    Please keep talking to us, as we are here to help you and are part of your journey. We care about you.

    Jackie (Australia)
  20. CamillaR

    CamillaR Active Member

    Thank you.
    I just want to say, that I find it hard to give an answer, worthy for that reply. And once again; Thank you.
    This might sound annoying, but I can not sit down and write about what I want from my future, because I dont know. It has been too long with knowing I wont be alive at that point. With that being saidi I want to tell you that I did try. I sat down and I started writing. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt make myself believe any of it.
    At the education that I am on at the moment, there are no teachers that I can trust. We constantly have new teachers and I wouldnt have the guts to ask any of them for help.
    I am not going to change my mind, neither am I going to throw away the knife - It will be my rescue from this horrible world. But a talk with a stranger yesterday made me realize, there I things I have to do. That I can not just leave. Not before doing those things.

    And btw., the whole turning 21 and going to party thing.. In this country you only need to be 16 to drink etc. - I have tried it.
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