I havent really wrote much about my problems on message boards for awhile. It doesnt help or mean anything. Noone that reads this can give me anything except sympathy and understanding. ning crybaby. Im reluctant to write this because I dont want to lead on the young teenagers that come onto these sites to express their angst. They should understand that at least they have time. Everything is in front of them. Not behind. Im 31 years old. Ive experience depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts most of my life. I am all but convinced that there is no real hope or cure for whatever has happened to me. Im trapped in this seemingly enternal condition that has no real way out. There are alot of factors in my life that has contributed to the way I am. Things I cannot change. You cant treat it with a pill or inject it, or bandage it. It doesnt heal. Infact oddly enough the wound slowly and frustratingly grows wider. I felt i through everything and the kitchen sink at it and it never moved an ounce. All i feel is fear and misery. Like being trapped in a spiderweb. Just waiting to die. The shadow slowing closing upon you. Nothing to do with all of your determination and fight. Nothing to do. Nothing ever changes. I dont know what life is, I just know im not good at it and i have failed miserably. I believe I am the biggest waste of human flesh in the world. I actually do believe that. Murderers and rapists have more meaningful lives than me. Im not really living, im just here. I didnt ask to be here and have no interest to be here but well im stuck here. And its taboo to want to leave a bad movie early. People just want me to just hang in there and have hope. Hope is such a hollow word. It means nothing to me. Its like the word luck in a casino. Its nothing but a word. A feeble concept to try to throw at someone who has nothing to hope for. I have a bizzare and disturbingly predictable life. I have literally failed at almost everything in my life. Jobs, relationships, dreams. I stikeout on everything. Im the guy thats always at the wrong place at the wrong time. That gets rejected. Meet the wrong person. Runs out of time. Never has a chance. I cant even begin to explain all of the little bizarre things that happens to me. I live in this contant mirage. Whenever i get close to something good, it changes into something bad. Maybe thats the order of things. Im not allowed to succeed. Im not allowed to be happy. I dare try to change my life, but like in quicksand the more you struggle the quicker you sink. So I stop struggling so much. Im 31 now. My youth is gone. I have nothing to look forward to in life. I have noone. I have nothing. I hate my life and myself intensely. But its nothing I can do to change it. So I just wake up trying to find a way to cope and get through the day. Prisoners have more freedom than I do. At least they have friends. No pressure. I guess. This is just a meaningless rant. It means nothing. I mean nothing. Not to anyone or anything or any God. Life is not precious. It wasnt meant to be to everyone. I lost the lottery. I got a bad hand. Too bad. So sorry. Live with it. I was beaten and abused as a child. Mercilessly abused by other students. Raped by a gay male teacher. Because I was weak and vulnerable. I live in a disfunctional family where my father sleeps with my oldest sister and my sister used to molest me and my mother knows about it but pretends nothing is happening. Im a ugly, grotesque looking guy, which makes love impossible to find and loneliness second nature. Im a hermit. I have severe mental problems. My anxiety is crippling. I cant hold a job, I cant support myself, I cant meet people, I couldnt go to college, I have seeminly fear of everything. I lost someone I cared for deeply recently in a very disturbing manner that has never left my conscious and haunts me each minute of the day. I get used and abused by anyone I even try to reach out to. People are so cruel and viscious and they dont care. I found out the worse kind are the ones that tell you "God bless" before they sign off or say goodbye. Too bad. So sorry. Live with it. Im stuck. In a place that noone knows where I am or how to find me. And I look around and there is no way out. I have attempted suicide before. I survived it. I wish so badly I didnt because ever since I havent had the courage to do it again. I think about suicide every day but I know I could never do it. I think a person who takes their own life to end the unreasonable and irrational suffering they go through are brave and has courage I could never imagine having. I envy them because they took the peace they rightfully deserved and made it their own. The peace they would never have been able to find here in the creul world. Its hard to believe that I was able to accomplish to be everything I never wanted to be. I dont know what happens when we die. All I know is I have no memory of before I was born. So I should have no memory of my existence here. And ultimately that is what I want and crave. To not see the faces of those ive lost. To not relive the trauma and abuse in my mind and in dreams. To escape these memories that haunt me and torment me in every way. Im a coward. I would never kill myself. Too afraid to live and too afraid to die. Imagine waking up and realizing, wow, this is it. I get one chance at life and this is it. Complete utter miserable and worthless existence. Just nothing to live for, everything to die for. You wake up and your 30 years old and youve accomplished nothing. This is it. Congrads, you have one of the worse lives in the world. Mental problems, health probelms, conditions, disorders, diseases, trauma, failures, bad luck, abuse, loneliness, loss, poor, depressed, unaatracive, worthless, hopeless, talentless, unintelligent, weak, all wrapped up into one perfect mess of a man. I think I was Gods experiment of what happenes to a human when you give them every single negative trait. Maybe a stronger person could have overcome. Im not that person. Far from it. So much pain... its unbearable. Im hurting so bad. I have no more tears left. Im crying sand. I cant live. I cant die. Im stuck in this spiderweb. Now enough ranting like a little child. Go back to being nothing. Pray the nightmare doesnt come. Just sleep and hope I dont wake up. What kills you isnt the spider. Its the web.