Spiel / Rant About Help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by NathanH, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    I'm wholly confident I need help, serious help. And I want it, too, despite not being all that in-tune as to what 'help' is. Unfortunately in a cruel ironic sort of way one of the reasons I need help happens to render me incapable of seeking it out in a headstrong manner; I have the inability to allow myself to be wrong, I am incapable of allowing that opportunity to occur. Despite my confidence and desire for help, I couldn't stand to be wrong about needing help, or worse, for anyone not to believe how serious it is for me and rendering some assistance. Even in that I fear asking on others to do so.

    I've always been the 'smart one', the one who surely gets straight-As, never studies, and doesn't sweat over any test; ever. Yes, admittedly I do very well academically and take great interest in learning and do so without much stress, but I've never cared enough to apply that all the time, I always feel like it really doesn't matter since I'll end my own life before it can make a difference. I regret this, so much, more than anyone can imagine, and yet I continue to do it. If it wasn't for my apparent, and in that I mean I go to lengths to ensure this seems to be the case, intelligence, I can't imagine I'd be around. It is the single only thing keeping me from being wholly isolated, almost the only thing I live for is to learn and to teach others because it makes me feel like at least somewhere along the line I mattered, I made a difference to someone and someone is thankful for what I've provided, and maybe remembers me once every while. Either way, I think this critical pillar in my life has lead to the development of this inability to be wrong since it would, or could, undermine so much of what I consider to be me.

    Furthering my apprehension is my desire not to disappoint anyone, especially those few somewhat close to me; family. With not having any friends to speak of, the loose relationship there is strongest. If I sought help and it wasn't taken seriously, well, I'd imagine this would be an apparent disappointment, or perhaps even if it was taken seriously. Chiefly I would attribute this to the stigma, which I admittedly buy into often. Being the only son of the family with 3 daughters, I feel I am supposed to be one of the strengths. With this matters are made worse given that I'm gay, and no one else knows. Other than my simple lack of any relationships whatsoever thus far, it isn't so much as hinted at. How am I, the only son, supposed to be gay? How is that OK? I really worry about how my father would take it, he has told stories about how excited he was to finally have a son after two daughters, and I think this would undermine that, as if the consistent desire to end my life doesn't.

    My goodness, what the hell am I going to do.

    I'm done ranting in this semi-random pattern, for now. I'm glad to just have typed this out, I used to do things like it in word documents and the like and knowing someone has perhaps read it makes me feel, well, someone more better. Plus the more I write the more I feel I understand about myself. Thanks for said opportunity.
  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Your definition of a "rant" is exceptionally stringent, Nathan. When I think of a rant, I do not picture an articulate and thoughtful run down of your problems, your desire for help but concern about what the fallout of getting it would be, fear that your problems may be seen as illegitimate, personal outcome for yourself, reaction from your family, etc. :)

    So. From what I gather having read your post, you are concerned that your problems are not legitimate, or that they will not be seen that way by a clinician. Let me assure you that your problems are real. Serious consideration about ending your life is real. Social isolation is real. Doctors take depression very seriously. Particularly so if you answer truthfully when they ask you about suicide. You will be taken seriously. They will ask you the usual depression questions, along with a series of apparently unrelated questions about your physical health to rule out physical explanations for some of the issues you are experiencing. From there they may run a set of blood tests, may give you the option of trying meds right away if you are alright with that, and may also refer you to a psychiatrist for further assessment.

    For your family, you are not obligated to tell them about it. You have the right to confidentiality in this if you choose to exercise it. If it helps, maybe make the trip to the doctors yourself, see what they have to say. With that knowledge, maybe it'll be easier to talk to your family about the parts that you are comfortable divulging to them. My guess is that they probably have some idea you are in pain. I lied to my family right up until the time I finally snapped and went in for treatment. Their reaction to my telling them I was now taking meds for depression and anxiety? "We're not surprised." Yeah.

    You've already made a big step by signing up to this forum and admitting you have a problem. That is a good start. Maybe see about starting up your own journal in the member's diary area if you like.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do understand what you are saying...intelligence has been my friend and my enemy throughout the years...maybe if you presume you are imperfect, not wrong, as I do not think there is truly right nor wrong, but imperfect, and that we all have issues in our perceptions, the desire to learn can be transferred to self-exploration as well...when you seek help, you are saying that you want to learn more about yourself...maybe, viewing this as an exercise in this way will make it less challanging to your self esteem
  4. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member


    Thanks for your reply. I'm sitting here taking taking it into consideration, if you will; taking it to heart. I hope you know just how grateful I am to have a coherent and essentially direct affirmation of this situation from a real person.

    In being earnest, I had been crying somewhat frequently these past few weeks and your reply gave me such response, except I had a smile on my face because I felt that affirmation with my thoughts; I haven't really smiled in months. For the first time in too long I felt that I'm not out of options and that I'm not as 'wrong' as I thought I was.


    Thanks for your reply as well. That's something I'd have to really consider, it seems like quite the brilliant loophole for me, if you will. Sorry I can't elaborate more like I did above hah, I've still gotta think about what you've said. But appreciation to you.

    More thanks to both of you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2012
  5. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Take care, Nathan. You can get through this.