Spilling my guts out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by earthlybump, Aug 8, 2015.

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  1. earthlybump

    earthlybump New Member

    I tried to kill myself yesterday. I got very sick. I got so tired of struggling with myself and my thoughts. I have tried to share them with other people, but I'm not a relatable person and I'm never able to express myself, so I don't bother anymore. Even better, I know people take my silence the wrong way and I seem like an asshole, but I can't tell them why I'm keeping to myself because it didn't ever make a difference. I hate being cooped up in my brain, but there's really nothing I can do about it. It's made me so paranoid because I can tell I'm a bit of an outsider. So I keep wondering what other people are thinking about me. It gets really uncomfortable being around other people, so I keep to myself. Every moment I spend with other people, I'm going mad in my head because I can't wait to be alone again. Because of that, I haven't been to school in ages and I've been left behind. I should have already graduated by now, but oh well. I don't really have any plan for my life. I don't know how I'm going to get myself together or if I even want to at all. My parents had really high hopes for me and I let them down and can't even tell them why. I really piss myself off. If I'm not suicidal because I'm hopeless, it's because I really hate myself. I don't know how I'm going to get myself together. Naturally, nobody knows this is the second time I've tried to kill myself (nobody knows about either attempt). It's my biggest secret that I'm suicidal. I know it'll be really bad for my family if I died, but I managed to convince myself that it's better for me to be dead than to be a no good waste of space at home. I've tried making as little an impact as possible in my relatives' lives so they're not affected too badly if I died. At this point it's just a matter of time before I do it properly. Or maybe I'll just live out the rest of my life attempting to kill myself every now and then
     
  2. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're suffering. I struggle with my thoughts as well. I don't feel comfortable around people either because of the way that my mind is. It seems like everyone else is still living their lives while I sit and suffer. I'm sure that my parents care that I don't feel well, but they are still living their lives and doing the things that they always do. It would be so much better for me if I would have just died.
     
  3. I am very sorry that you are going through this...I feel for you.
     
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