Spilling some depressing thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dec.net, Jan 19, 2012.

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  1. dec.net

    dec.net Member

    I have the hope that dumping all the negative thoughts here all at once that I usually don't mention to people might be a cleansing experience. It could of course also back-fire and reinforce those concepts in my brain, but that's a risk I'm willing to take, since I figure they are quite firmly imprinted there anyhow.
    First of all, from a career/accomplishment perspective it's pretty obvious that I'm not going to achieve anything interesting in my life. My ever-changing focus of attention (another word for utter lack of self-discipline) makes it perfectly unrealistic that I'll one day look back and be pleased by what I have accomplished. I even lose interest in pretty much all hobbies after a month or so and therefore suck at most of them quite badly. Since most people who know me expect more from me, I'll always be facing their pitiful disappointment.
    Speaking of social relations, I don't think I'll ever be open about myself with people in real life. When I talk to others, I observe them and enjoy the idea of switching into their life, as if I was a zoo visitor watching some strange and beautiful animals. Still, I regard myself as just another average and ultimately boring creature in the same zoo - it's just that I find them a lot more interesting than myself and I can't come up with reasons why I should share my predictable deviations from normality with other people, if it can be avoided at all.
    In terms of sexual relationships, I simply can't imagine being in one again. I had exactly one, and the whole thing felt like a textbook finding-a-new-hobby experience to me: "Oh, something new! Interesting! I might even be good at this! But... wait a minute... some things are bothering me... ah, let's stop. It's all overhyped crap." In general, there are few people that I can stand face-to-face for extended periods of time, and of course they all fall into the good friend/brother-sister category. Also, I'm fairly certain that I look positively ridiculous while having sex (even more ridiculous than most people). So no sex for me, not even the paid-for kind, thank you.
    Individually, I guess I'm pretty much screwed. And then there's the world going to shit around us all, and I'm not even believing in ancient calendar bullshit or secret conspiracies, just all the regular troubles like terrorism, increasing political extremism, epidemics, environmental damage, economic crisis and so fucking on. The new century has all the potential to become amazingly depressing.

    And the worst part is that there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not clinically depressed, I don't have a personality disorder, and I may not even suffer from ADHD. I haven't suffered through anything big in my life, no violence, no child molestation, no loss of loved ones, not even being particularly unpopular in school. There is no excuse for the way I feel. Basically, I'm just too lazy to face all of the above, and can't find a reason to not opt-out. From a moral standpoint, it would probably be best to do so, since I definitely have the frustration and criminal mindedness to hurt other people, should they ever be properly channeled. To say it clearly, the only thing keeping me from committing acts of violence is my already mentioned short attention span, those ever changing interests.

    To conclude: My life is fucked because I'm lazy and undisciplined for no good reason, and I shouldn't get others involved if it can be avoided.

    Chris
     
  2. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    It sounds like you having a difficult time right now. I don't believe your life is fucked like you were concluding at. I'm lazy to but I've managed to stay active by going to school, and getting help from others. There's always a time to be lazy - and I don't think it matters that your undisciplined. It'll just take time to learn and get use to... I never wanted to be under control because I was a semi rebel during my early teen years. At least your seeking some help by coming here and getting peer support. I don't have any idea why you feel the way you do right now. Does talking with others help you? Because I'm willing to talk to you, and listen to you because it seems to help me out when I hit a rough patch.

    Trevor,
     
  3. dec.net

    dec.net Member

    Well, the time period that these thoughts are stemming from is pretty much the past 8-9 years for me, ever since I graduated from the German high-school-equivalent, and even before, I felt this way. I would say it's not a conclusion that is born out of a momentary frustration or anything like that, but a rather solid, well-founded estimation of my abilities and potential in life. About talking to other people: Most of the time, even if I try, it ends up with me hiding away my actual dark thoughts, cause I figure it's none of their business and I shouldn't depress them with this crap, since it's not going to be a bother to them anyhow - I'm probably too much of a coward and too unfocused to actually kill myself. I'm pretty good at overcoming that bad mood for a while by directing my attention to something else, but it always returns. Most probable outcome: I'll simply continue living a rather unsatisfying life, starting pointless little projects all the time to keep me occupied, but never correcting my actual problems.

    Chris
     
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