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Spinning and spiraling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goofymonk3y, Oct 15, 2009.

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  1. goofymonk3y

    goofymonk3y New Member

    I have found so many aspects of my life unbearable especially the fact that I cannot bear the responsibility of myself. I am facing a possible second DUI and looking at a mountain of debt/legal troubles. My self-destructive behavior up to this point in my life has left me uneducated, unemployed, financially destroyed and emotionally devoid. I wake up each morning with hope only to find my hope is a childish wish for a miracle. I blame everyone but myself and I wish it were true. I wish I was the result of a dysfunctional upbringing and not poor decision making and personal choices. I find myself hating the institution of religion I grew up relying upon and even more the grandparents that raised me. As I write this paragraph I realize how negative my outlook on life is. I am and I feel so very hopeless.

    I have seen the bridge I would like to fall from and I have imagined the moments that would ensue. I have cut and drugged myself, I was once an addict. I have lost myself to others expectations and my self worth is dependent upon others. I am aware of so many of my problems and I know I need help but I can't ask, because as pitiful as I am, I am not unfortunate. I do not struggle or worry about tomorrow's food or tonight's rest and I do not lack the support of friends or family. Every step forward is a step forward but I do not know where I'm stepping.

    If I may ... I wish I knew my mother. I wish I knew her love. I wish I could remember any part of her touch. I wish I could have held her and I wish she could have seen me. I wish my family hadn't lied about her and kept her a secret. I wish I could find her. I wish I knew who she is. I wish she knew who I am. I wish I knew who I was. But really, I need to stop wishing.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. You've come to a good place to get started on working your way through this. I'm an alcoholic and a member of AA. It's a very simple program and a good start. I've seen many people in your situation find success in AA. It takes time, no magic wand, but it works. What you need most is something that works.

  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. :hug: Welcome to SF. It sounds like you have a lot of things on your mind. SF is a good place to share - lots of members can relate to many aspects of your story.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member


    yes you do have some issues. the great thing is, they can be resolved.
    2nd dui, well.... if you have a drinking problem i suggest you tackle that first.

    there is one way and ONLY one way that you can start repairing your life.
    i dont know what else is involved but you have to be able to change the way you think.

    u c, for years due to my past i was very negative. i had very little tolerance for things and ppl.
    in the last 20 years i have crashed and burned at least 5 times. mostly do to drinking. each time i did, i picked myself up and things got better. just like now. its taken 6 months but slowly im getting there.
    i quit drinking almost 14 years ago. it doesnt mean that i wasnt gunna mess up my life some other way ... i did. even this last time, was bad. i ended up in a physc ward for 9 days.

    i decided once again to get off my ass and rebuild. its working, slowly.
    if you cant see it happening, its not going to.
    i see things in my future and im gunna make damn sure i dont screw it up again. there are ways out of your mess. you just have to have to desire and be willing to do what it takes to get there.
    all you have to do is find support at the drs. office or where ever. just find the help you need. thousands have been in your shoes and have come out doing fine.
    it depends on what you want for YOU.

    if you continue to think negatively and tell yourself that your not worth it ... why beat a dead dog ?
    i dont think thats what you want to do. i think you want to rebuild. but like so many of US ... been there .... the idea of having to do this and that to get where we want to be .. is just to much effort.

    the old saying goes, what can be done, will be done. but only if you get off your ass and take the steps needed.

    i wish you the best.
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