I have found so many aspects of my life unbearable especially the fact that I cannot bear the responsibility of myself. I am facing a possible second DUI and looking at a mountain of debt/legal troubles. My self-destructive behavior up to this point in my life has left me uneducated, unemployed, financially destroyed and emotionally devoid. I wake up each morning with hope only to find my hope is a childish wish for a miracle. I blame everyone but myself and I wish it were true. I wish I was the result of a dysfunctional upbringing and not poor decision making and personal choices. I find myself hating the institution of religion I grew up relying upon and even more the grandparents that raised me. As I write this paragraph I realize how negative my outlook on life is. I am and I feel so very hopeless. I have seen the bridge I would like to fall from and I have imagined the moments that would ensue. I have cut and drugged myself, I was once an addict. I have lost myself to others expectations and my self worth is dependent upon others. I am aware of so many of my problems and I know I need help but I can't ask, because as pitiful as I am, I am not unfortunate. I do not struggle or worry about tomorrow's food or tonight's rest and I do not lack the support of friends or family. Every step forward is a step forward but I do not know where I'm stepping. If I may ... I wish I knew my mother. I wish I knew her love. I wish I could remember any part of her touch. I wish I could have held her and I wish she could have seen me. I wish my family hadn't lied about her and kept her a secret. I wish I could find her. I wish I knew who she is. I wish she knew who I am. I wish I knew who I was. But really, I need to stop wishing.