Spinning (possibly triggering)

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by Morningstar, Jan 15, 2012.

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  1. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    Sitting at my desk in my room
    Trying to compose, create, light
    Spilling only the blackest ink
    You're not real, or am I?
    Head held in my hands
    Your fingers in my eyes
    I don't even cry, out, tears
    Crimson sliding down my cheeks
    You can't feel, can I?
    A scream rising up
    Deep within my throat, hoarse
    Red-gold eyes laugh, devilish, comfort
    A scalpel drawing lines, on my arms
    Wait?, how did?, I can't remember
    Can't focus on what's, reality
    Driven, mad, haunted, maybe. . .
    This is all, a dream?, or a movie?
    Am I acting?, on this stage, black
    Sitting here, never, ever alone
    Voices whispering sweet Death
    Sweetest Hell, screaming, taunting
    Separating them, and you, from
    Me?, but just who, am I?
    I can't remember, comprehend the differences
    Between, them, you, and me?
    A sickening laugh, full of, madness
    My own?, or yours?, or theirs?
    Nothing, makes, any sense, how can it?
    Spinning, spinning, spinning, constant

    I still don't really know what to say about this poem, I wrote it at 1 in the morning in October. I'm on a website were I submit my poetry and sometimes I'll just click on the 'submit art' button and start typing. I never really put thought into the things I write when I do that I just let my fingers fly across the keyboard. I suppose if I had to say something about it I'd say that I imagine that this is what going insane(really insane) feels like.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i used to do the same hun just let the words come as they feel like it it does describe a form of madness not know what reality is good write hun
  3. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for the compliment it is greatly appreciated. I'm glad that the poem comes out the way I had hoped and that it gets the right feelings across. It was actually very easy to write especially considering I've had some experience with the subject material. Not to say exactly the same but I had a 7 an a half month period of extreme chronic insomnia. I've had insomnia for a long time but this was the worst time ever. I wouldn't sleep for up to 9 days at a strech, sleep for 4-8 hours an then do it all over again(at anywhere from 3-9days with no sleep). Now I would micro-sleep, which starts to happen to anyone who doesn't sleep for 3days because the brain has to get some rest. So it just shuts down randomly for anywhere from 10-30 seconds or so, which can be really dangerous, lucky for me I was an agoraphobic painpill junkie at the time. Anyway since anyone who doesn't sleep for 4 fays starts hallucinating(anyone) I would have audio an visual hallucinations. I never got to the point though where I believed the hallucinations were real but I was getting close to the point. I could handle the hallucinations fairly well though but my memory an cognitive functioning was getting pretty impaired. And then after about 3 an a half months or so of all that I started having whats called Somatic Symptoms. Which you can think of as physical hallucinations, one feels things that aren't actually happening to you. For me I'd feel that my bones would break or dislocate or shatter, I'd get the feeling of being sliced shallow or deeply, of being stabbed, sometimes again an again an again an so on, I'd get tue feelling of things crawling just below my skin or inside my chest an abdomen, or feel like I was being eviscerated(having ones belly sliced open with the intention being having the intestines fall out), or. . .my personal. . .favorite(I'm being extremely sarcastic) feeling like my throat is being cut an then feeling like I was choking on my own blood. Like I said the audio/visual hallucinations I could handle the physical sensations, those nearly drove me mad. The point is I have some experience with near total insanity though I've never been truly pyschotic, which I'm very thankful for. I've never believed any hallucination or case of fractured thinking was reality, I've never completely lost touch with reality. But I do sometimes have fractured an odd thinking but usually only after a night or two up or on 'something' or when I don't take my anti-depressent. BlI've never even lost touch with reality fully when on physicadelics or even hallucinated on them actually lol(just when I don't sleep). But I have 'danced with the Devil of insanity' so to speak and it's definitely a dance I DON'T wish to REPEAT EVER or have an extended stay with. . .EVER.
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