I feel no emotions. I don't actually feel like i'm a whole person. I have not felt excitement or happiness in so long i've forgotten what it feels like and that it is possible. I don't consider myself depressed though because i think i've gotten to a point where i've spiralled down so many times before that unless it reaches crisis point i can't even be bothered to be worried about myself. In clinical terms people would consider me to be depressed as i am emotionless with no motivation, i do nothing except go to work because nothing else seems worth the hassle, i cut when emotions eventually do overtake me and sometimes just to feel something, i drink every evening in order to make life easier, i drink otc medicine to get the high i no longer get from real life. Some might say my life is a bit of a mess, but i'm so apathetic i don't worry about myself in the slightest. I used to hate my depression because i had so much guilt surrounding it and how much the illness was limiting me in life; now i just don't care. It is so terrible to say but i am so apathetic. In many ways i used to allow myself the chance for recovery by going to my drs and getting medication, but i can't be bothered with that anymore. I have gone down that path so many times before and it does lighten the depression but right now i'm so unmotivated to start the battle that comes along with medication. Medication means starting the long haul again and i'm actually so tired and apathetic i'd rather just get through by pouring a drink night after night. That makes me sound so bad and i know my way isn't the right way and i'm not going to excuse what i'm doing with any crap about the pain of depression because at the end of the day i know that clinical depression is a mental illness that needs an all round life style change and that it is an ongoing battle, and i know many others suffer terribly but still battle. So i'll just admit i'm too tired to do that right now. I hate admitting to myself and others my life is being swamped by the depression because it has taken over my life so many times over the years that even i am sick to death of having these thoughts! At 16 depression was really painful but it was relatively new. Now i can't admit to others what the depression is making me do because it seems so pathetic to just give up - i can only hope that some of you understand the absolute blankness that the depression brings. When i was younger I used to feel dramatic depression that was too painful for words, i read so much of that kind of depression on this forum, but now i just live in a chronic slump that i can't even be bothered to deal with. I hope so much that the younger members of this forum get the treatment they need so their depression doesn't continue to spiral like mine. I really hope someone out there understands what i'm trying to say.