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spiral downwards

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SweetSurrender, Feb 4, 2009.

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  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I feel no emotions. I don't actually feel like i'm a whole person. I have not felt excitement or happiness in so long i've forgotten what it feels like and that it is possible. I don't consider myself depressed though because i think i've gotten to a point where i've spiralled down so many times before that unless it reaches crisis point i can't even be bothered to be worried about myself. In clinical terms people would consider me to be depressed as i am emotionless with no motivation, i do nothing except go to work because nothing else seems worth the hassle, i cut when emotions eventually do overtake me and sometimes just to feel something, i drink every evening in order to make life easier, i drink otc medicine to get the high i no longer get from real life. Some might say my life is a bit of a mess, but i'm so apathetic i don't worry about myself in the slightest. I used to hate my depression because i had so much guilt surrounding it and how much the illness was limiting me in life; now i just don't care. It is so terrible to say but i am so apathetic. In many ways i used to allow myself the chance for recovery by going to my drs and getting medication, but i can't be bothered with that anymore. I have gone down that path so many times before and it does lighten the depression but right now i'm so unmotivated to start the battle that comes along with medication. Medication means starting the long haul again and i'm actually so tired and apathetic i'd rather just get through by pouring a drink night after night. That makes me sound so bad and i know my way isn't the right way and i'm not going to excuse what i'm doing with any crap about the pain of depression because at the end of the day i know that clinical depression is a mental illness that needs an all round life style change and that it is an ongoing battle, and i know many others suffer terribly but still battle.
    So i'll just admit i'm too tired to do that right now. I hate admitting to myself and others my life is being swamped by the depression because it has taken over my life so many times over the years that even i am sick to death of having these thoughts! At 16 depression was really painful but it was relatively new. Now i can't admit to others what the depression is making me do because it seems so pathetic to just give up - i can only hope that some of you understand the absolute blankness that the depression brings. When i was younger I used to feel dramatic depression that was too painful for words, i read so much of that kind of depression on this forum, but now i just live in a chronic slump that i can't even be bothered to deal with. I hope so much that the younger members of this forum get the treatment they need so their depression doesn't continue to spiral like mine.
    I really hope someone out there understands what i'm trying to say.
  2. legend135

    legend135 Member

    I wouldn't be one to say I understand because I feel that everyone feels their own way.

    However, depression seems to have worn you down. As if the question is, "What's the point in taking the energy to feel this bad?" Feeling no emotions is the easiest way to avoid depression. You'll find that it doesn't take much effort to shut yourself off and drift.

    But that doesn't mean it's the best way to live permanetly. I do believe there is a time and place for being numb, though. It can be a survival mechanism of sorts.

    Maybe, if you use your ability to drift, you may be able to ease the feeling of past depression. And that may leave room for something else to feel.

    I don't have much to say, and I understand if you feel that I don't understand. I'll take no offense to it.
  3. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Can i ask one question? and can you answer with pure honesty?

    Are you one bit at all bitter about something that has made you become a lifeless bot?

    I myself am beginning to take the life and role of a lifeless bot, i find it much easier to cope with everyones bullshit by living abiding my own rules, living where i dont give a fuck anymore. It seems such a peaceful path, but i want to understand it more. I want to feel the purity of letting go of all the bullshit, and being able to wake up without any sense of bitterness, just a plain grin on my face that reads 'think i give a fuck'. It seems beautiful almost, but surreal and so close.
  4. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Legend - The depression has worn me down, mentally i'm exhausted doing from doing battle with it. My defense mechanism always has been to shut down in order to avoid painful feelings, sometimes i am glad i do this because it has kept me alive, but sometimes, especially when i look at others, i feel quite lonely and seperated. I wouldn't wish others ever felt the bleakness of depression but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't envious of their success/happiness. Time always changes everything even if i'm not able too. I very much doubt my depression has changed over the yrs due to anything i have done to beat this illness, but time and changes in events have certainly contributed so i guess i'll just be waiting it out till something forces my hand. I certainly take no offense in your reply, i'm glad you did.

    Angelo - i have many things i am angry and bitter about. I'm angry that the pain i felt as a young child, which my parents recognised was unusual for a child to have, was left to 'sort itself out on its own'. I am angry and bitter that adults at school believed that as i was a quiet child i lacked confidence, which was never the case but their words certainly led to me having self-doubt! I am angry that my dyslexia and dyscalculia were never identified by the education system and i was left believing that even when i worked my hardest i was average at best. I am angry about all these things and i guess you could describe me as bitter in ways, but i don't blame anyone else for my illness. I sometimes wish i could because, in many ways, that would make it all easier.
    To be honest you will never get to the point where you don't care about anyone or anything. You will never experience that freedom because it isn't freedom. If you don't care then you are trapped by your indifference - that is my cage too. But despite it all, i still care to a degree because i still get up and go to work with my mask on, i still don't want people to see me in pain and unable to make a contribution to the world because of the depression. There are things in life that we can step away from, for e.g, i no longer waste any energy on people that don't understand me, i am not bitter that they don't but accept that they won't for many different reasons.

    Not having a care in the world is actually rather painful not beautiful. I want badly to love my family and friends but i've forgotten what love feels like. It is horrible having no feelings towards the very people that support me daily.
  5. legend135

    legend135 Member

    Waiting for something can be very trying, it takes effort to keep your patience. That's because when you're waiting, it feels like you aren't going anywhere. But if you were able to keep on waiting for something or anything, you'd be a pretty strong person in my book.
  6. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Thanks legend - that means a lot. I don't feel like a strong person right now because i'm doing nothing to help myself beat this depression. But you're right, sometimes just staying alive is enough.
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