Spiraling Down Again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Astarael, Oct 24, 2009.

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  1. Astarael

    Astarael Member

    I was feeling somewhat better (which is absolutely relative for me), but lately I've felt depression gaining a foothold again. And it's getting worse by the hour. Yes, there have been some triggers. Yes, this may be a med issue. Doesn't matter, because I've already reached the point where I don't want to feel better anymore. I don't want a fucking pep talk, or 10 reasons not to "Do It," or more, different, better meds... I just want to die.

    And I don't know why I'm writing this, because it's irrelevant. I probably won't act on any impulses; I know better. I have a shit-ton of responsibilities that I can't let down, and that I resent more and more each day for keeping me here. But even if I did put into action any one of the growing number of plans I'm currently fixated on, there is not a thing anyone could ever say to stop me.

    I guess I'm writing this because I really need to say it "out loud," and there is no one else I can tell.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Well you don't leave us much to work with.. You don't want to hear anything that may be helpfull..When you decide you want to talk we will be here..The members here take suicide very serious..
  3. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Hey Susanne, you have a kid, right? And your kid only has you? Well even if he/she does have anyone else you're still his/ her mom. I remember we talked about this when we joined the forum, how the kids are the only reason for us to stay alive. That's still very true for me, and for you it seems. But you know what? As I have this feeling of obligation to my kids, and I know I owe them love and feeling of security which I never got from my parents, I do not want to repeat the same mistake with my kids. They didn't ask to be born, just like I didn't. It was my decision to have them and now I'm responsible for them.
    I know what's it like, to wake up and fall asleep in tears, to have only one wish all day long - dissapear from this world, to have a burden on your shoulders and the unbearable pain in the chest, and to live like that for days, sometimes weeks. Even something that may seem horrible - hating my own kids for being the only reason that I'm alive, yes I know how it sounds, but that's how it was, and this is the only place I could admit it. But I've made the commitment - I will not ruin my kids' lifes as my parents did to me. I cannot abbandon them, I must not, I wish not to. I wish them to have all the love from a parent as any child should have.
    That said I also slowly changed my life, became less shy, I joke a lot more then before, I make fun of myself, laugh as much as I can, sometimes I'm cynical and I don't like it, sometimes I overdo with jokes and don't like that either, but all that is better then being miserable all the time. And I don't care, as much as I used to, what other people think of me, do they approve of my jokes, my music, my clothes, my way of raising kids,...I especially mean my parents, relatives and neighbours, not friends and brother - I do care what they think.
    As long as the kids are with me I'll try my 100% to stay alive, but not only that, I'll try to make my life as enjoyable for me as I can, provided I don't harm anyone doing that. This decision helped me a lot, I do hope you can find something of help for you in it as well.
  4. Astarael

    Astarael Member

    I am in crisis. I realize I'm angry, frustrated, and it pisses people off that I don't want help right now (is this not fairly common amongst the truly suicidal?!) but I don't need to be told to "buy a 10 dollar gun and ventilate my brain a bit."

    As Ana obviously knows, the only thing standing between me and a solution like that is my son. Which is a barrier whose thickness fluctuates depending on my level of depression. At this very moment, that barrier is frighteningly thin.

    I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I am so fucking exhausted. I fight and fight against this, only to see my progress dissolve overnight. It is incredibly hard not to keep coming back to the same thoughts again and again.

    Don't assume I haven't tried hard enough; the reality of the situation is that I have spent the last year in full clinical depression, with only short bouts of relief. In that year I have checked myself into the ER *FOUR* times to prevent myself from ending it. I have been in therapy doing serious work on myself. I have waded the pure hell that is my county-run psychiatric hospital to get on, adjust, adjust, adjust, and readjust a tremendous amount of medication. I have borne the burdens of rotating psych residents, outrageous med costs, and painful side-effects like a trooper. I have forced myself to be social even when I don't feel like it. I have maintained friendships, and many serious responsibilities in spite of my crippling depression. I have every reason to feel better about life in general. I have every reason to be proud of myself and want to thrive. But I DON'T. The fact that I have done all this and am still absolutely MISERABLE just makes me feel all the more pathetic and hopeless.

    And I would've thought there would be a lot of people in this community who would understand that. People who could commiserate. I guess that's why I wrote this. Why I came here. Because I thought there might be some company down here at the bottom.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There are alot of people who understand and are in the position you are in right now. It is hard and you should be proud of all your efforts I understand i stay because of obligations to. I also want my daughter to see my happy not sad not depressed so i put on the face for her and others. The only thing i can truly hope for is my therapist and his work with me. If therapy is not working then you have not got the right therapist If medication is not working then again even today new medications are out there every day new ones developed to treat hard to treat depression. Get on the newer ones My own daughter is getting well now after 2 years of this shit the thing that is working for her is injections every 2 weeks the injections of medication resperidal 25mg keep her baseline more stable and it is working I almost gave up hope so many times even contemplating taking desperate measures Please i do understand the feeling of hopelessness but its not new medications every day try them try injections please keep trying and do understand we are here for you anytime you need to vent go ahead as i do understand the need to do this. take care
  6. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I am not sure what to say. Your post is very delicate and I know those emotions you type of very well. It's a feeling that very few people can really penetrate..

    One thing I also know is that you are actually writing here because you want help, people to listen. You say you aren't, but you are. You want to feel a release from your pain. We all do. A lot of us don't truly want to die, we just want to be at peace while we're living and we feel like we can't take any more disappointments in the future. Another loss, another disapppoint, it's one more thing to send us over that edge.

    I also say hold on and stay here at the board and vent openly. Vent as much as you want and anchor onto others for support.
  7. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I think I know how you're feeling Sussane, I think I'm around that place you are right now. Sometimes we think it's so impossible for life to be kind to us that we just wanna give up because we believe that even if life smiles one day, in the other everything will be wrong again and the pain will double.

    Well, when that happens there's only one thing to be done. Steel yourself, look reality in the face and say no. You don't believe in life, it's ok, I also don't, alot of people here may not, but we gotta fight to prove ourselves wrong, because life can be enjoyable, even if right now we can't seem to find that.

    There must be things you like to do, things that keep you entertained. Keep yourself busy, change your routine, do those things you're always posponing to "someday". Now's the time because the other way shuts all the doors for you. That's fighting for your life, and that's what I hope you'll do.

    No matter how hard things get, we're here for you. Talk, cry, shout and get pissed at anything you want in here, we'll be here to support you no matter what.

    Take care, I know you can pull through this.
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