I'm so nervous posting on here. I keep thinking I'm making a fool out of myself for doing it... I mean, I haven't lost anyone in my family recently or anything like that. So why am I feeling so... I don't know, I read up about depression but... Oh God I'm crying already. Uhm. I read about it, thought it was pretty much what I'm suffering from, confronted my mum seriously who snorted and asked me "Why would you be depressed, don't be silly. If anyone was to be depressed in this family it would be me." Am I just being a silly teenager? I'm 15 years old, and over these few months, every day I've thought of nothing but ending my own life. I keep thinking I'm a burden to everyone, that nobody'd be so goddamned stressed all the time if I left. Do they really love me? I don't actually know. Every time I cry out loud (not for being told off or anything), they walk past my room door. Or occassionally come in, ask what's wrong to which I'd mumble "Everything" or "Nothing." and then they'd shrug and shut the door. Which makes me cry harder. I mean, they used to comfort me and everything, what did I do wrong? I just can't cope anymore. It's not right, I don't feel like me at all. My school grades are dropping dramatically, I'm skipping meals more often because I'm just not hungry. When I stand (not quickly), my vision blackens and I almost pass out. My sleeping patterns are changing; IE, I'm sleeping too much. My mother doesn't seem to notice a change, making me go about doing housework and then telling me later I do nothing around the house which makes me feel like a complete failure when at least I tried. I'd do a set of dishes at dinner, then she'd yell for me to come downstairs because I didn't do the rest (meaning her's and her boyfriends') which therefore means I never did the dishes in the first place. My effort doesn't count. A few months ago she sat me down and told me that her relationship with her boyfriend (who, God bless him, has been looking after two kids who aren't his along with his own child for 8 years) is falling apart. Why? because I never do my chores. *weeps* I try, I really do. I really really really try. I'm not enough for them. For ... the majority of this year, I've been leaning on my online friend for support. I've made a horrible mistake because I talked to him everytime I wanted to... y'know, end my life. And it scared the hell out of him. It scared me too, but no friend should make their friend go through that stuff. It's getting to a point where... y'know, now I'm posting on a forum instead. Leon doesn't deserve anymore of this. And though it was helpful talking to him, nothing was solved. Another big problem is my parents acting like they know me. Making assumptions of what I would do given a situation and so making decisions for me. My brother, earlier, needed help setting his computer up. But while I was getting changed, I told him I'd do it later. My mum's boyfriend chipped in and said I wouldn't do it, that I couldn't do it and that's why I wouldn't help him, that I was lazy and that my brother was best off waiting until my mum got home. Another incident was yesterday. My little brother (younger, mum's boyfriend's actual son) went into the lounge when I was washing the dishes and told my mum I'd called her evil. Mum called me in, and asked me why I'd called her. Frowning, I'd asked "Called you what?" and then when she explained, a look of absolute confusion and bewilderment must have come up on my face and I stuttered "I didn't!" Seriously, why did my younger brother say that? He never ever has told lies about me before; as much as he hates me. I told my mum I swore I hadn't said anything like that and she laughed, which hurt me more, and said "I've never seen you look so guilty." I burst into tears, because she just didn't believe me. It hadn't helped that my older, younger brother came in and said the little one wouldn't lie like that. I threw the tea towel down and stormed into the other room to cry alone. Mum just yelled at me to pick the towel up. Why? Why? She's constantly nagging me. I have exams coming up, pressure's building and I feel like a pressure-cooker, the whining of it becoming unbearable and it's come to a point... Well, writing this has helped me calm down some but what about next time?? What will happen to me next time? I'm so miserable, it's not... It's not me. This isn't me! This isn't me writing this. Who am I? I've confronted my parents about this. I mean, she just walked in, saw me crying, told me to go and clean the bathroom and walked back out. And again. She just came in, reminded me about the bathroom then told me she needed the house cleaning because it's a pigsty. It's not, it's as clean as clean! I'm gonna cry i'm gonna cry I'm gonna cry again... Is it me? It's me isn't it.