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Spiralling out of control.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Naturestrikes, Jun 21, 2008.

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  1. Naturestrikes

    Naturestrikes New Member

    I'm so nervous posting on here. I keep thinking I'm making a fool out of myself for doing it... I mean, I haven't lost anyone in my family recently or anything like that. So why am I feeling so... I don't know, I read up about depression but... Oh God I'm crying already. Uhm. I read about it, thought it was pretty much what I'm suffering from, confronted my mum seriously who snorted and asked me "Why would you be depressed, don't be silly. If anyone was to be depressed in this family it would be me."

    Am I just being a silly teenager? I'm 15 years old, and over these few months, every day I've thought of nothing but ending my own life. I keep thinking I'm a burden to everyone, that nobody'd be so goddamned stressed all the time if I left. Do they really love me? I don't actually know. Every time I cry out loud (not for being told off or anything), they walk past my room door. Or occassionally come in, ask what's wrong to which I'd mumble "Everything" or "Nothing." and then they'd shrug and shut the door. Which makes me cry harder. I mean, they used to comfort me and everything, what did I do wrong?

    I just can't cope anymore. It's not right, I don't feel like me at all. My school grades are dropping dramatically, I'm skipping meals more often because I'm just not hungry. When I stand (not quickly), my vision blackens and I almost pass out. My sleeping patterns are changing; IE, I'm sleeping too much. My mother doesn't seem to notice a change, making me go about doing housework and then telling me later I do nothing around the house which makes me feel like a complete failure when at least I tried. I'd do a set of dishes at dinner, then she'd yell for me to come downstairs because I didn't do the rest (meaning her's and her boyfriends') which therefore means I never did the dishes in the first place. My effort doesn't count.

    A few months ago she sat me down and told me that her relationship with her boyfriend (who, God bless him, has been looking after two kids who aren't his along with his own child for 8 years) is falling apart. Why? because I never do my chores. *weeps* I try, I really do. I really really really try. I'm not enough for them.

    For ... the majority of this year, I've been leaning on my online friend for support. I've made a horrible mistake because I talked to him everytime I wanted to... y'know, end my life. And it scared the hell out of him. It scared me too, but no friend should make their friend go through that stuff. It's getting to a point where... y'know, now I'm posting on a forum instead. Leon doesn't deserve anymore of this. And though it was helpful talking to him, nothing was solved.

    Another big problem is my parents acting like they know me. Making assumptions of what I would do given a situation and so making decisions for me. My brother, earlier, needed help setting his computer up. But while I was getting changed, I told him I'd do it later. My mum's boyfriend chipped in and said I wouldn't do it, that I couldn't do it and that's why I wouldn't help him, that I was lazy and that my brother was best off waiting until my mum got home.

    Another incident was yesterday. My little brother (younger, mum's boyfriend's actual son) went into the lounge when I was washing the dishes and told my mum I'd called her evil. Mum called me in, and asked me why I'd called her. Frowning, I'd asked "Called you what?" and then when she explained, a look of absolute confusion and bewilderment must have come up on my face and I stuttered "I didn't!" Seriously, why did my younger brother say that? He never ever has told lies about me before; as much as he hates me. I told my mum I swore I hadn't said anything like that and she laughed, which hurt me more, and said "I've never seen you look so guilty." I burst into tears, because she just didn't believe me. It hadn't helped that my older, younger brother came in and said the little one wouldn't lie like that. I threw the tea towel down and stormed into the other room to cry alone. Mum just yelled at me to pick the towel up. Why? Why?

    She's constantly nagging me. I have exams coming up, pressure's building and I feel like a pressure-cooker, the whining of it becoming unbearable and it's come to a point... Well, writing this has helped me calm down some but what about next time?? What will happen to me next time? I'm so miserable, it's not... It's not me. This isn't me! This isn't me writing this. Who am I? I've confronted my parents about this. I mean, she just walked in, saw me crying, told me to go and clean the bathroom and walked back out.

    And again. She just came in, reminded me about the bathroom then told me she needed the house cleaning because it's a pigsty. It's not, it's as clean as clean! I'm gonna cry i'm gonna cry I'm gonna cry again...

    Is it me? It's me isn't it.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's not you! anyone can get depressed, and it sounds like you have all the symptoms. is there anyone who can help you get some help, other than your mom and her partner (who sounds useless around this topic!!!)... i'm thinking a counsellor or teacher you trust? i ask because it can really, really help to talk openly to someone about feeling suicidal. i know it's a huge step, but well worth taking. what do you think?
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You need to set up the little shit to teach him not to f--- with you. See if you can get one of those minature tape recorders. Then sit down with him and start out casually talking. Then ease into the interesting shit he has been dealing out. Then one evening when everyone is sitting around for dinner turn the tape on and let everyone hear it. I'll be suprised if his bottom jaw doesn't droop open. ~ Got you, you little shit~.I think you will regain some of your pride.
    While you are still feeling good ask your mom why the little shit can't take over some of the chores. Hell my parents never pulled there punches. Every one got there fair share.My dad would make up a rotating schedule so you didn't have the same chores in a week time.
    I hope this helps you to feel a little better. Especially the tape recorder...:chopper:
  4. Naturestrikes

    Naturestrikes New Member

    I've talked to my teacher about stuff that happens at home. I think, when once I'd run away from home, I told someone I'd rather be dead than anywhere else right then and that person worried their butt off for me.

    Mum caught be crying over dinner yesterday. She didn't sound concerned or anything, just had a go at me because my dinner was going cold or something. She ended up asking me what the heck was wrong and I just looked at her and said "Everything." ... I think I need a doctor.

    And as for the eight-year-old-brother problem, I've tried that when once he went beserk with a knife (it's happened multiple times when my mum left the house). He's calmed down a bit now but that lying-thing made me think a lot. I actually confronted him on his own afterwards, and he was like "But you did call her evil." And I protested and called him a little liar, to which he went downstairs and told mum I'd called him a liar. Nice.

    It doesn't help that the whole family seems to be at my neck lately, telling me what I'm doing wrong, nagging me a helluva lot. It seems everything I actually do is unappreciated...

    Posting here helped me calm down. When I wrote my first post, I was in a state, thinking about what way I could end my life easily.

    I'm scared of next time.
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