Hello, The past couple of weeks have been extremely tough. I felt happy for a couple of days which kind of alienated me as it made me realize how much I am either flat-lining or depressed most of the time. I have been feeling worse every single day since. I haven't shown up at work. I tried to see my GP, unfortunately she is on holidays for a couple of weeks. Don't have a therapist. i tried to see someone else at my surgery but to no avail. I have been in a state of flight since. Last time I went to A&E when feeling suicidal I was referred back to my GP after seeing a psychologist ( there seem to be a catch 22 that because I had done the right thing by going I could not be referred to the Crisis team). I tried to chat with a friend tonight but he was not available. Today I tried to take things further. A few years ago I was diagnosed with BDP, and it took me a long time to get my life in order again ( I cut off all ties with my family for 18 months, still haven't dared getting in touch with some of my friends since). I was utterly out of control for a few months. And I don't want to get back there. I just feel very low, and silly for what I did today. I have been staring at the crisis number for 2 days now, and still haven't dared to call them as I feel ashamed of what I tried to do, I also feel very stupid for not noticing the severe mood slip before I was in crisis. I am also worried of the consequences. I just feel that all the progress I had made over the past few years have been wasted, if I always end back in square one.