Spiralling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by violetskies, Apr 17, 2009.

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  1. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    Every day gets just a tiny bit harder. If you take it as one day, then it's hardly noticable, but it all adds up. Little by little, until you open your eyes and realise you passed breaking point a month ago. How did that happen? How did I fail to realise just how far I'd come? Why did no one stop it getting this far? Why IS there no one to stop it getting this far?

    Now the "support" I tried so hard to get put in place is gone. I stopped it, because it was making me ill. They're going to forward me details of the complaints procedure. Oh what fun.

    I also wrote an email to my mother, who I haven't spoken to since November. The number of F words in the email is ridiculous, as is the fact that I told my mother that if she didn't like it.... to "bite me". But that's how it goes when it all flows out in a crazed stream of angry consiousness. In amongst all the swearing though was a very clear message to her... Help me.

    I haven't heard from her. It's been a week. I didn't expect anything, but I am disappointed. Always disappointed. She cares more for her own pride, than to help stop my sink into oblivion.

    I want help, I need help and there is none. Even here.. I don't know how to connect with people, so I write.. mainly to myself. The only person that I managed to make any kind of connection with may or may not be gone. I wish I had some alcohol so at least I could get myself through another night by drinking myself to sleep.
     
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    All I can tell you is that my situation happened in a similar way. You're right, as far as I'm concerned, that it happens slowly and then 'bang' it's there and smacks you in the face. If it were noticeable, maybe we'd be able to react to it sooner. I know this hasn't helped much so far other than to let you know you are not alone and there are so many of us here to talk to and to try and help.

    As far as parents go, there aren't many who can be supportive. Either because they don't have the answers, or because they are too close or too distant from us to be of any help.

    So all that's left are therapists, meds, friends and support groups. I'm not telling you or anyone not to drink. But I've tried that and while it gets you through one day, afterward the same problem is there and it's just another day gone. Have you tried meds or therapy? I'll try and keep a dialogue going here if you want, but it's difficult as the threads drop down the list pretty quickly. However, feel free to send me a private message if you want. I respond to all.
     
  3. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    Thanks for your reply shades.

    I tried every anti depressant on the market i think. They just don't work for me. As for therapy.. I've been fighting the stupid resource centre to give me treatment. The last appointment a couple weeks back they told me I had to wait for a review, and today I get a letter telling me I've got an assessment in 6 days time..

    I find it so hard to get out the house. The support is now non existant, I wonder how they expect me to get there. Even if the support was in place, they need a week's notice to arrange anything like that. I feel they're just messing me around.. Telling me one thing, doing another. Expecting me to just adapt to everything they throw at me and be grateful about it. I don't adapt well.. it's something that I just can't do due to the asperger's syndrome.

    It's all to much. I can't do this. Any of this. It's too hard. And don't anyone tell me that life's hard, get used to it. I know that. I've been through 9 years of hell. I know life is hard. But it's more than I can bear. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep taking hold of the reins and keep going on regardless of how I feel inside. I cry but it doesn't help.

    I ask for help and people tell me that they can't do it for me, or tell me what to do. And while I understand all that... it's exactly what I need. I don't want to be strong. I've been strong for 9 years. I'm tired of being strong.
     
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You're welcome. I don't think they're messing with you, the system is just screwed up. I'm hoping that some others will chime in here. There are some very caring and insightful people here. Some helped me greatly when I first came here and continue to be supportive. What else can we do but all try and help one another by talking it out?
     
  5. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    I feel like I want to scream, to grab hold of the "system" and tell them they're killing me by standing by and watching me drown. I suffer more than I can take, and the people who are in a position to "help" don't. They just keep expecting me to go on and on. I'm not the energiser bunny!! (sorry.. ranting).

    I even get stupid thoughts where i think.. If I do something stupid and end up dead, then at least they'll realise I was serious. Then they'll be sorry they never helped. I know it's stupid and childish. I just feel so frustrated and bitter. Very very bitter.
     
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I can guarantee you that there will be people that care..very much. Especially the people here at sf and I'm sure some personal friends and family members (hopefully anyway). Even some of the state workers and therapists I have come in contact with over the years seem to care about we...the sufferers. But overall, most have been desensitized to the losses and expect them. If the meds aren't working and you've tried them all, most likely you don't need them. That's how it was explained to me anyway. When I asked if I needed meds, they said "here, try these; if they work, you need them". So maybe a good therapist is all you need, and you may have to go through a few to get a 'good one'. Please hang in there as long as possible, you'll get through o.k. I've been on the brink for about 20 years, made the plans and came very close a couple of times. I think this site may have saved me this time. Before it was my sister and a couple of friends and maybe some meds. Hope you stay awhile and give it some time.
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Violetskies,
    Have you been hospitalised for you depression and thoughts?? My very first time being hospitaised had a great impact on my life.. When I got out I had them give me a letter stating what my problems were.
    I found that letter very helpfull in getting me thru all the red tape..For some people it takes years for them to get help but for me having the letter got me thru the system in six months..
    I am currently set up with a shrink, on a regiment of meds, see a therapist and my life is lsowly turning around..If you are in that kind of shape why don't you write down your thoughts including the suicidal ones and go to the hospital, ask to speak with someone in mental health.. Let them read what you have written and they should admit you..When you are ready to be discharged ask for a letter.. That should help you get the support you need.. In the mean timeKeep posting here and open up with us.. There are many here who have been in your shoes. Some still are..I hope we can offer you some support to help keep you going...
     
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