Dear all, I am new to this forum. Let me share my story with you, if it takes at least one of you to a better place, I will be grateful. What I want to tell you in this post is in short, how I used to be very very happy, how I had an accident that crushed my life and left be in a terrible dark place, how I thought ending my life was the only way out, how I managed to stay alive by desperately searching for the return of some light into my life, and how I found it in spirituality and how I am now holding on day by day, step by step, moment by moment and for the rest of my life. A few days ago I turned 27. When I was 24, I started on a serious quest to deal with my life and with my insecurities and find true happiness. I left my ex, moved out from our appartment, left many friends behind and set out into a new adventure. All things around me changed, new hobbies, new people, new places, ignoring my parents and grandparents concerns for me, just deciding what was good for me all by myself, listening to my heart and dreams, knowing that the best part of my life was still in front of me. And I found a lot, nice people, my own room with nice housemates, an ex-psychiatrist and his wife who had both intensively studied many many years to help others, and who deeply cared for me and who taught me how to embrace my feelings and emotions, how to be gentle to myself and with life, how to make the best out of myself. At the same time, I studied ancient hindu wisdom and new western spirituality to further develop myself too. Within 2 years I was radiating with joy, I was extatic and people new me for my infectuous laughter and soft, mindfull hugs. At the top of my explorations, I was a talented dancer (Argentine tango), a singer, an actor, I loved to swim, do yoga, go for walks, I liked to cook, to meditate, I did some karate, I had met someone special and I was buidling up confidence to ask him out for a date (I am male, so yes that makes me gay). And I combined this with a very interesting thesis in organizational leadership research, based on my own dancing leading and backed up by ancient wisdom (such as the scripture Tao Te Ching by Lao Tse). Life was perfect. Then I had an accident. It came all of a sudden. It is too complicated to tell exactly what happened, but let me say that someone tried to "help" me and that turned out bad. My life turned into a nightmare, I was hospitalized against my will and was forced medication (the doctors were trying to cure my psychosis, indeed I had one, but it was a mild one). What followed was a true nightmare, all in all I suffered intensely for months. I felt totally crushed, only 3% left of the one I once had been, I've recoverd somewhat now, and feel like 10-15% of the old me is still intact. I can't dance anymore, nor sing, nor work nor study, my body feels heavy and shapeless like a bag of potatoes, many friends have forgotten about me, I have had terrible nightmares, that's getting a bit better now, I need medication to sleep, I was devastated and so utterly suicidal that I never would have believed it possible to live up to my next birthday, which happend just a few days ago. My life was a hell on earth, and it still is excruciatingly difficult. What saved me, was my search for meaning and purpose. I wanted to know what had happened to me and why, and whether it could have been otherwise or whether it was meant to be. So I set out on a new quest, this time getting to the bottom of topics like pain and suffering and why they are part of our human existence. Also, I wanted to know what happens when we die and whether we live on after death. I searched the whole worldwideweb, read many many books, and accessed sources and documents I otherwise never would have accessed, including psychic mediums, hypno- and regressiontherapists, channeled books, Akashic Record readings, and reports of people who had had near-death experiences, especially after failed attempts of suicide. So during my first quest (for happiness) I had learned one thing: happiness is real and it can be found. Make the decision that you want to find it and you will, by reading about it and by slightly gravitating towards it day by day, until one day your life situations will have changed. During my second quest, I learned many other things, some of which I will list down here below, together with the sources where I found the information. - Life is beyond good or bad, and we are here with a purpose. live in the moment, this is where you can find a peacefulness that goes even beyond happy and unhappy. In the book "Power of the now", by Eckhart Tolle, a world famous spiritual teacher who suffered severely from suicidal depression, until his suffering grew so intens that his egoic mind could not bare it anymore and that night, he reached enlightenment. - Prior to life, we as eternal souls plan our sojourn on earth, we know which lessons we want to learn and through which situations, relationships and challenges we will learn these lessons. Suffering has great meaning because it makes us grow as humans and as souls. You yourself have designed every aspect of your life, with help from your guides. Source: the books Your Soul's Plan and Your Soul's Gift, both by Robert Schwartz. Now, these are powerful books (they are one of the two sources that saved my life!!), with a provocative but very refreshing perspective. Must read for anyone who is suffering and is open-minded. The second book has a chapter on suicide. - Suffering is part of life and it has great purpose. http://www.near-death.com/experiences/research01.html and http://whitecrowbooks.com/features/page/the_reason_for_suffering_by_silver_birch - People who try to take their own life and fail at the attempt but do have a near-death experience are happy that they survived, and in most instances their lives change and improve dramatically afterwards due to their experience. http://www.near-death.com/experiences/suicide04.html (with more interesting stories on the same website) and http://www.nderf.org/NDERF/NDE_Experiences/suicide'.htm (google "suicide NDE nderf", first hit). - What happens when you commit suicide, and that taking your own life is never a way out, because you will meet the suffering you've gone through and that brought you to this point in a different situation in a next life, until you finish the challenge. http://www.channelingerik.com/the-akashic-records-and-suicide/ and http://www.freewebs.com/ebabeiknarf/White Feather/Question & Answers/WF QA - Troubled Minds.pdf - Why some people go through more pain and suffering than others, and that there is a balance in this and that you have to know darkness in order to know light. http://www.freewebs.com/ebabeiknarf...n & Answers/WF QA - Suffering & Innocence.pdf - That instead of having a near-death experience as mentioned above to reconnect with your light, you may also choose to do a past life or between lives soul regression by a specialized hypnotherapist. Google it, or search for Michael Newton (and his book Memories of the Afterlife) or Robert Schwartz and his books I mentioned above. There are many hypnotherapists all over the world, some better than others. I am planning on doing a session myself in a year or so from now to get more clarification about my current situation. - Lastly, I have done 3 Akashic Record readings. These readings have deeply transformed the way I experience the things that have happened to me in the past few months. An Akashic Record reading allows you to look at your life from the level of your soul, it can reveal to you your challenges, your talents, your pitfalls, your mission in this life etc. etc. The information you receive is very loving and compassionate. These readings are the number 1 reason I am still alive, I had given up already and expected to live only days to weeks longer, when I got the first reading. The value of the information I received was lifesaving, for example did I learn that I myself chose this challenge before I was born, and that the accident was not a mistake, nor is the life I am leading now. I am supposed (and my soul desires) to go through this, because it will eventually result in an enormous step of growth in my soul development. Now I am to take good care of my self, and in time, with talents I possess but that I am not consciously aware of yet, I will bring light into the darkness and suffering of many people. Also have I learned, that no one is to blame for what happened to me, that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be, and that ending my life is not a way out. (Akashic Record readings are avalaible all over the world, google Akasha/Akashic Records reading and find someone you trust near your place, or at a distance via Skype). I still lose hope, I honestly don't think I can do this, but I hope I will, I still feel weak, my life situation will not improve, but I am determined and through the readings and the sources mentioned before, I have transformed all my anger, frustration, dissapointment and resentment into compassion and gratefulness. Even though I am broken, my spirit is whole again, and I am no longer a victim. Life is hard for me, but every day I live is a tribute to my self. I look only at the positive things in my life and tell others to do so too, I practice gratitude and compassion every day, and I noticed that happiness is not dependent on circumstances, but is always available within oneself, even in the unbearable times I still had this option of choosing happiness above unhappiness, of choosing light above merging with the darkness. I hope this will help you. An excerpt from my first Akashic Record reading (translated from Dutch into English): "Feel your left fist. Remember the power in your left fist. Stand strong in the midst of the storms. Stand in the darkness, like the warrior, who is ready to go the path that he is being called to go, and the warrior who knows that he will conquer all challenges, and in so doing, will fulfill his mission, because he knows, from own experience and knowledge, what he is talking about. And the warrior who knows, that fear only exists in the imagination of the mind. (...) When it is night, and you are surrounded by darkness, then you know that it is the darkness of the night, and not a lasting darkness. That everything still exists in that darkness. Such is the darkness of the night, such is the darkness of the fears, such is the darkness of the imagination. (...) The darkness is not your tiran, it is not your master, you are your own master. You have not come here to serve the darkness, or to serve illusions, you have come here to serve the light within yourself and to stay connected with it, through all burdens, worries, pain and sorrow. It is not an easy task, but you have chosen it. In our dimensions it is easy to remain connected to the light that we are, because here there is only light. It is, we say, a gift from the gods, that you may do this task, that you may bring this light, that you may show your warriorship, and we are always at your side, and in fullest confidence, and knowing that you can do this, that you can do this what you are being called to do. Are we clear?"