splattered in a corner

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pit, Dec 2, 2007.

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  1. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    This is my worst day ever. When I got home from work, I thought I could talk to my friends about it, but they're unavailable. So I'm talking to you. Aren't you the lucky ones?

    I started my job back in October. It's retail, so I'm putting in extra hours for Christmas. Every time I go to that job, I get the message I'm no good at it. Despite doing the best I can, sometimes I have trouble finding products, and sometimes I have trouble selling them. I get the message daily that I'm slow and stupid. It breaks me down.

    My boss has said nothing to me. He only complimented me once since I started. That compliment referred to me unpacking Christmas ornaments. He has no trouble communicating with other employees, but he avoids talking to me as much as possible. I don't know if I should worry about this or not.

    I feel as if I have an invisible sign on my forehead that says WEAK or SCAPEGOAT or MISFIT. I don't mind the environment, but retail is something I am not a master of. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated most of the time. But I don't feel like quitting. I need the money.

    I'm going to school at the same time and trying to get a new career. I know I shouldn't worry about the retail and should concentrate on the new career, but I feel so powerless and weak that I feel like I can't do anything. Not a damn thing.

    There's this one worker who makes me feel like shit. She's very manic and wants to succeed in the store. She's shown me up a number of times. It doesn't upset me that much because I don't care to stay there for five years. But I'd like to feel valued and that I'm making a contribution at least once in a while.

    Overall, my life keeps getting more and more painful. There's nothing I excel at, not romantic relationships, not work, not anything. And I feel ashamed that I should feel this self pity. I feel trapped in a corner I can't get out of. And I wish I knew how to write a sentence without so many I's!!!

    I was thinking of calling a crisis line and talking. Sometimes I wish I could go back and not have gone to school. Nobody really gives a shit about me. I can't tell you how much anger boils inside me. I'd like to shoot a fucking CEO of the school or that fucking job for making me so godamn miserable.

    I tried to write an original title for this post to get your attention, because I really need it. My soul cannot breathe.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are being treated that way on the job. Is there a possibility of finding other work. It really does not benefit any of you if you do not like what you are doing. Your colleague should not be treating you as if she is more important than you are. She isn't. I would say to talk to your supervisor about how you feel, but if they are like you suggest it probably wouldn't do any good. If you choose to continue working there, you will have to learn to ignore the comments and give yourself positive self talk. In the meantime, keep your eyes open for something else. It may come along soon. Hang in there and take care. :hug:
  3. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Wow ! Spattered in a corner ! Great attention grabber. Thats how I used to describe how and where my ex would serve my dinner !

    But serious, it's clear that you have every intention of being the bigger person . . . . Your career changing studies ! These will take you to a level far higher than those who have caused you so much anguish and pain !

    Calling a crisis line would be a great idea. I always thought that there was a bit of a taboo thing to call. I did it . . . just about a week ago and to be honest, one of the best things that I have done.

    The second best thing that I did was joining this forum and getting support from people like you. You mean so much to us all.

    Please stay safe and be strong . . . You WILL come through this ! I will come through this . . . it's simple belief that keeps me going !

    Stay Safe

  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    She doesn't insult me or bad mouth me, but she makes sure to outdo me in performance. Very competitive. If I complained about her to my supervisor it would make me look bad. I guess the best thing I can do is learn from her and maybe even steal an idea every now and then.

    We get along well and kid around sometimes, so I don't totally hate her. It's just that I feel incompetent around her. You might say that I should improve my performance. But I do the best I can every day. I can't quit. I'd rather have my boss tell me to my face that I don't fit in. But he doesn't say anything. Maybe I make my own little contribution and that's good enough for him. I really shouldn't compare myself to other people.
  5. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Hey ! I was a salesman for a number of years and there was always the guy that did the most sales (only cos he pounced on the customers first) . . .

    With your Boss, think about this . . . why not try to come up with a suggestion . . . . you can think long and hard about this.

    It is the boss afterall that marks your work and gives you that grade.

    It will show that you are constantly thinking about the job.

    Stay safe

  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your advice and support JayJay. I'll definitely pick up something constructive to tell the boss. But I won't let it drive me crazy. I have enough problems as it is!
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