Splitting up as a trigger

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by triedtoomanytimes, Jul 16, 2012.

  1. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    It's probably daft, and shows me up for the weak sod I am, but failing at any relationship has always been one of the triggers sets me off down the road to yet another attempt. You'd think by now I would have learnt some coping strategy, or at least learned how to come to terms with such events, but they always hit me like a ton of bricks.
    Does anyone else have troubles like this ? how do you cope or what do you do to help yourself ? Do you think it's to do with the type of people you're attracted to ? For me, I always seem to fall for the ones who can't/won't make a relationship work.

    If this has been done before and is old hat to some of you, my apologies.
  2. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    It's been over 4 years since "the big break up" for me. The 5 or 6 months after were extremely difficult, and I was very suicidal. While it was tough, though, I did manage to get through the intense depression and the suicidal thoughts. I have to admit, despite this, I still to this day get sad thinking about it and I do still miss her (we were engaged and very much in love for a time) but those thoughts are not severe. They feel the same to me as getting nostalgic about my childhood and missing the simplicity of things. Anyway, these are some things I did to get through that time and recover...

    I got rid of almost everything that reminded me of her (within reason). Obviously, I didn't throw out clothes or pillows, but I got rid of pictures, small gifts, little sentimental things like movie stubs, etc... Another thing I did was avoid contact with her. We were both in college at the time, I knew where she lived on campus and where her classes were and I made it a point to not be where she was for a time. This may sound childish, but for me just seeing her was the biggest trigger. I remember having a couple of progressive weeks, then I would see her across a parking lot and I would be right back at the bottom. I also made it a point to not keep up with her. We had a lot of mutual friends, and I did not ask them about her and when they mentioned her in conversation I either walked away or politely asked them not to. They sometimes got a little perturbed with me about this but, truth be told, it was a lot easier to deal with them getting irritated at this than talking about her. I also deleted her from all my social media outlets (Facebook, Twitter, email, AIM) and did not look her up.

    She knew I had issues in the past, too, and at one point during those 5 months I simply told her the truth, that seeing her triggered me. She respected my request and stayed away which I greatly appreciated. Once enough time went by, and I made some new friends and found some new interests, it was easier to deal with the break up. I honestly think if I had tried to "stay friends" or just keep up with her that I wouldn't have been able to over it, and I may not even be here today.

    People used to tell me to "get over it" or that I was "running" from the problem. I believe that we eventually will have to confront these things, but I also believe that you can take your time and build back your mental health and strength first. I had to take the stance that I wasn't going to let people force me into something I wasn't ready to do.

    I hope this helps you or anyone else in this situation.

    - J