This might be very confusing, but I want to try and explain something. Imagine living for many years in darkness, believing the sounds you hear are normal. Believing the actions by others is normal, so normal that you actually believe this is how all families are, that using they hands is how they show love, that to show someone that you love them means to hurt them, but you don't understand why it hurts but its normal so you learn to block this unusual feeling. The normal way to show feelings is to show violence, talk with your hands, if you want respect in the world you have to use your hands. If you want to show someone you love them you have to be cold towards them, you have to be nasty to them. If you want to get respect from a man, you done this thing to him ~ at a young age you don't know what it is, off course you have heard the word sex, but don't understand the meaning of sex. Isn't sex what mum and dad do that's gross. You do something you don't like, but he's happy and that makes you happy but something doesn't feel right but you don't understand so you say nothing, this is normal anyway, its how you sure someone love, if they happy it means they love you. If your taught that if you don't understand something don't speak about it, if you don't have the words to make sense don't speak. If your not spoken to first, don't speak. That was the rules by mothers family, my mother and her many partners. You wasn't allowed to say anything. For many years my mum struggled to feed, clothe her children, went without food herself to feed her children. However the cost was, that her mother (aka Nan) would take this out on the children, if she saw you eating sweets, crisps or anything other then the jam sandwiches you had for dinner she would take it away from you. When you stayed at her house, depending on her mood, the day, and also who was there you wouldn't be feed but would be made to stand and watch the others eating if she caught you looking you would be hit, and if she saw you wasn't watching you would be hit. You couldn't win. When you ill, there is no warmth shown towards you, just the normal coldness and bitterness, but its normal. very normal. You always feel cold you won't wear warm clothes, you always have to feel the cold. You start to fear being around people, men and women, people in authority, teachers, the police, nurses, doctors. So much so that you distance yourself from people in the same class as you, always being naughty so you get sent to referral, excluded or even behaviour school. You don't interact with people and become a loner. Your not bullied, people are scared of the way you are and they fore distance themselves from you. The learned behaviour is, darkness is normal, have no feelings that it doesn't hurt, use violence to show your not scared but only towards people that you don't feel threatened by, have se* with men as its what they want. Don't let people see you eat, don't eat too much. Never speak unless spoken to, never speak of something you don't fully understand and never never never never speak about what happens behind closed doors and bring disrespect on the family. Darkness for me was/is normal. Then........you hit something...not lightness, but something else that I can't explain. Everything you believed was normal, possibly wasn't normal ~ so you deny all the past, you somehow move on, using drink, drugs to escape even se* with strangers, you put ur life at risk, you put urself in dangerous positions, you live life on the edge but your indestructible and no one can reach you. You cut, but why are you cutting, you have these feelings you can't describe, you don't understand but you can't express them, you can't tell about them, so you cause the pain to yourself the pain you know also well, to block the pain out. Then the darkness comes back..but has it really ever gone? Wasn't the darkness just a shadow, wasn't the shadow you trying to convenience yourself that your not hurting, that your actions are normal. Everything comes crashing down, your world, you own little world, is about to end. Then two word hits you in the face, se*ual ab*se, everywhere you go, the words are screaming at you. You argue, you fight, you tell the demons to shut up, you drink more, but the words get bigger, you take drugs but the words still remain, you can't escape these 2 words. Then the spot light: Feelings you have never felt hit you in the face, spiral out of control, you don't know how to deal with them so you do what you always do you violence, use negative attitude towards people, you try to hurt people with nasty words...you try to go back into your own little world, you comfy zone with a expiry date on. Your perfect world, your believes that your childhood was normal all come to an end. You start to find out about se*ual ab*se, you start to discover things about your family, you start to realise that the learned behaviours are not normal. You know that violence isn't a way to show love, or care and hate seeing violence, hate seeing arguments and yet part of your is still the violent. You know that love isn't shown in a se*ual way towards a child, and yet part of you still believes and holds onto the fact that it was love. Its like living in darkness for many years, and then having the blanket ripped from you exposing your eyes to this big bright light, you eyes can't adjust, your mind can't adjust, you feel trapped, you feel alone, all these feelings come flooding in and swamp you, you don't know how to deal with them, you can't even name them, the only thing you know is that your not right, your heading for a fall, you have fallen before but the darkness, the blanket always provided some sort of security, its what you know. The bright light is blinding you, you can't see a way out, you can't find your blanket to cover your eyes.... your eyes are opening up to what the world is, the what the past was, and you can't explain, reach out, ask for support because you don't understand. You don't have the tools to deal with these feelings, you don't have the words to describe what's happening. All you know, is the world you knew, the darkness you lived in has changed...and your not able to cope with it and somehow need to find a way back into the darkness, an escape from reality or some rope that can hold you up for a little longer until you can adjust to this bright light shining in you eyes, before the end is the end and there are no more tomorrows.