I'm tired of living life without my husband. He <Mod Edit:Methods> last year and since then I cant seem to find any purpose in anything I do anymore. He comes to me in dreams asking me to join him and more and more I want to. I keep praying that God will take me - the sooner the better. I bought a motorcycle because it offers a potential opportunity but I'm afraid of taking the risk that an accident wont actually kill me and would instead leave me disabled in this horrible world. I have a couple more options in mind that might be more certain but thought i'd take a last-ditch approach by joining this group for advice. Please don't tell me to go to a therapist or call a hotline. For one, my health insurance has an unaffordable deductible and I have PTSD about the health profession that provokes panic attacks just by pulling into the parking lot of a clinic or hospital - let alone entering its doors. thus, the reason I joined this forum instead. All I see ahead in life is more pain, suffering and loss as I grow older. There is only one antidote to getting older . . .